I Stopped Saying ‘Never’ When My Take on Having Kids Turned 180 Degrees

It’d be dumb not to accept an alternative viewpoint.

The older you get, the more categorical your judgment.

I was talking to a 60-something Ph.D. living in a small town with limited access to the Internet. What the university had taught him is long gone.

Who’s always right? You guessed it.

He thought he could show off his skills in natural sciences and lost me after the second sentence. My bad I didn’t keep my mouth shut.

But.

It was clear a minute later I couldn’t change his mind. The human brain loses its adaptability as we age. Adults could learn from the younger generation to be less stubborn.

I try to accept alternative viewpoints. My recent take on having kids made a U-turn.

Raise yourself before becoming a parent

I’ve always been curious about parents’ relationships with their kids.

Parents must cultivate the best in their offspring. Yet parents often screw up their kids’ lives.

My colleague’s mother told her she wouldn’t make it as a woman so long as she wasn’t married and had no kids. The young lady let everyone know she was on the lookout for a husband.

A guy willing to try that role was quickly found, only to discover he was better off as a bachelor. She became a single mother at 24 and quit a career she’d barely started.

I’ve seen a classmate’s dad enter our classroom in the middle of a biology lesson and punch his son in the face. It’s doubtful a bad note for a chromosome test justified this kind of punishment.

I understand if you don’t want to have kids. Many things can go wrong. And you’re never ready for the most important life decision. The new layer of responsibility is overwhelming.

So when I imagine myself as a father, I ask myself this:

• Have I read at least one book about raising kids?
• Do I have a ballpark figure of how much money I’ll need to spend on my kids?
• Is my mental health in order so I won’t traumatize my children? (admittedly, my judgment is subjective here)

My friends, siblings, colleagues, and classmates have kids. It’s never bothered me I have none. Making kids isn’t rocket science and requires no superhuman skills. I’ve never considered this an achievement. An achievement is raising an 18-year-old with a decent set of values.

So I was truly happy when I could afford to take off for Thailand instead of rushing to the family doctor because my kids have an infection.

But my take on kids has changed.

They’re beginning to make sense to me. “To continue the family” isn’t good enough. I’m no king to pass my castles and land onto them. The reason must be more profound.

What it takes to be a good parent

My mother knew that a good education is a ticket for a good life. She tried to find something I could seem at least remotely talented at.

We started with a local art studio. Several months down the road we realized I had no talent for painting.

Then, there were martial arts and swimming lessons. I didn’t stand out.

The trial and error stopped when I was 11 and physics lessons started at school. My young brain found nature fascinating.

It was cool to calculate the kinetic energy of a stone falling from a tower and explain the procedure to the whole class. My classmates had zero understanding of me rushing home to solve physics problems instead of ice-skating. I went to a local bookstore to buy yet another edition of the book I Learn About the World.

That was good but not good enough for a bright future.

My mother sent me to English lessons, made me change high school, and ensured I enrolled in the best (local) university. I had evening courses, science-packed weekends, and private teachers.

Children can be expensive. I was expensive to my mother.

She was still helping me when I graduated at 23. I went to work in research where 12–14 hour days are a norm. A warm dinner was always waiting for me in the evening.

Although I have no children, I know that it takes time, money, patience, and willpower to raise them. I’ve made a conscious decision to have kids.

I don’t want my mom’s love to go to waste once I’m no longer here. What she invested in me should be passed onto the next generation. I want to teach my kids what I know and give them a good life.

My mom says every parent wants their kids to be smart to make their own unbiased decisions. That’s what my decision to have kids is all about. Nobody was telling me it’s late for my 37-year-old self.

It’s a conscious choice, one that took me years to make.

The bottom line

Not being categorical is admitting the world may not be what you think it is.

I changed my opinion on having kids and realized I’m ready for the most important life decision.

There’s a lot to learn. I’m open to challenging my opinions again.

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