I Stopped Answering My Ex’s Calls

How I Mustered The Strength To Break An Emotional Tether

I always answered my ex’s phone calls after we broke up. Regardless of what I was doing, who I was with, or what time it was, I always answered his calls.

Then one day, I didn’t.

It took a long time to gather the strength to let my phone ring out or to reject the call altogether. You see, I have always had a hard time saying ‘no,’ especially to him. I shy away from doing anything that would hurt someone else’s feelings — even if necessary. I put my dignity and my feelings ahead of whoever I’m dating (or dated) even if it’s not emotionally healthy for either of us.

Maybe that’s how the breakdown of our relationship began.

I realized that my ex felt comfortable treading barriers. Whenever I drew a line in the sand, he stepped over it, confident I wouldn’t stop him. He was right. I didn’t. Not even after our relationship dissolved.

He was always able to convince me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I attended events I was uncomfortable at, accepted his toxic friend like family, and slackened our finances even if it was detrimental. When I had finally had enough, I resorted to ultimatums. Those fell on deaf ears; he knew I wouldn’t follow through anyway. When I asked, then begged, then demanded he gave up toxic habits to save our relationship, he didn’t.

Then, he cheated on me. I took him back and continued to feed his pipe dream. I poured into him because I believed every word he spoke. That was my error.

Love doesn’t just speak. Love walks the walk and talks the talk. Love exemplifies what should be. Love keeps its promises. Love doesn’t hurt in the same way at the same wound over and over again.

This wasn’t love. This was life with a narcissist. Whenever I brought up the credit card payments, his broken promises, and the need for resolution, he turned the conversation on me. He pointed out my flaws and asked that I take responsibility for at least some of his failures because of my lack of support.

One day I had enough.

I walked out and promised myself I would never answer another phone call. But I did. And I kept answering his phone calls. He wanted to ‘just be friends.’ I foolishly allowed this then realized that the same traits were slowly beginning to creep in and that nothing had changed at all.

To muster the courage to decline his calls, I had to ask myself difficult questions. I had to define who was in charge of my life, my circumstances, or myself? How long would I continue to conjure excuses out of fear? Did I know I deserved better, not from anyone else but from myself?

To answer these questions, I had to position myself to receive the brutal reality of life. I had to accept what I had allowed. Responsibility and accountability had to be my motto going forward.

The next time I saw the phone ring, I asked myself, “what does he want? And can I afford the time and care to give it to him.”

The answer was, and will always be “no.”