Summary

The author recounts the experience of entering into a romantic relationship with their landlord's girlfriend, who was exploring her sexuality.

Abstract

In a confessional tale, the author describes a time in their early twenties when they moved into a house and became infatuated with the landlord's girlfriend, who was later replaced by another woman named Kat. Despite the author's straight orientation and self-acknowledged insanity, they pursued a relationship with Kat, who was a lesbian dating a man. The author's need for attention and a phase of exploration led to an intimate encounter with Kat while the landlord was unaware, resulting in a brief relationship that ended due to the author's heterosexuality. The landlord showed forgiveness by allowing the author to continue living in the house, and the author reflects on the experience with a sense of regret and acknowledgment of the complexities of sexual identity and attraction.

Opinions

The author admits to not being proud of their actions, suggesting a sense of guilt or moral conflict over the situation.
The landlord is portrayed as having a "stellar character" for not evicting the author despite the betrayal, implying the author's respect and appreciation for the landlord's forgiveness.
The author's description of their younger self as "horny, attention-hungry, and insane" indicates a level of self-critique and recognition of their past behavior as problematic or irrational.
The narrative conveys the author's belief that their landlord's girlfriend, Kat, was using the landlord to explore her sexuality, which the author seems to justify their own actions.
The author reflects on the fluidity of sexuality, as seen in their own exploratory phase and Kat's identification as a lesbian dating a man, suggesting an understanding that sexual identity is not always binary.

I Stole My Landlord’s Girlfriend

I was horny, attention-hungry, and insane.

I’m not proud of doing this. I stole my landlord’s girlfriend.

I was in my early twenties, just out of college, just starting to make my way in the world.

I answered an ad to rent a room in a house. I showed up and was confronted by a beautiful woman.

She had short, black, pomaded hair and was wearing a tiny dress. She held a small dog in her arms. She kept stroking the dog and something inside of me wanted her to be stroking me, too.

She was the girlfriend of my landlord-to-be. Mind you, she wasn’t the girlfriend I stole. This girlfriend dumped my landlord about six months after I moved in.

Soon, he brought home a new girl. He wasn’t bad-looking himself. He had gone to film school and had family money and that was how he’d bought himself this house.

Me? I was the hoi polloi who paid rent each month. But I had something he didn’t. I had a vagina.

The problem was this girl he brought home was actually a lesbian. She was exploring her sexuality by dating a man.

He’d lured her to our house with promises of cooking her dinner. Little did he know I was dessert.

Kat had that naughty schoolgirl thing down to a T. She wore barrettes in her hair and had on a miniskirt with knee socks and Mary Jane’s. Her shirt was very small and clingy and she used a microscopic backpack as her purse. I decided she was hot and that she belonged with me and not with my landlord.

Problem was, I was straight. Not a problem. I was in one of my exploratory phases. That and I needed attention like I needed oxygen. Also, I was single. I didn’t have a boyfriend because I was insane.

I was straight, and so the relationship came to an end when my hetero-ness reared its ugly head.

I skulked about the kitchen as my landlord prepared dinner, stealing glances at Kat.

He shooed me away when dinner was served, but I invited myself back when they put on a movie.

My landlord didn’t shoo me away again. Big mistake. Maybe he thought he was going to get lucky. Dude was going to have a threesome.

He wasn’t. He was just going to get cock-blocked by his tenant.

My landlord went to the bathroom, and Kat and I began to kiss.

By the time he returned, we’d absconded to my bedroom and locked the door.

Like I said, I’m not proud of this. That my landlord continued to let me live in his house afterward was an example of his stellar character.

Or maybe he already sensed that Kat wasn’t worth the trouble. She was only on a date with him because she herself was exploring her sexuality.

In fitting comeuppance for splitting on him, Kat got stuck with me.

I was straight, and so the relationship came to an end when my hetero-ness reared its ugly head and wouldn’t let me fall in love with Kat.

Luckily I still had a place to live. I felt forever indebted to my landlord for not kicking me to the curb.

I Stole My Landlord’s Girlfriend

I was horny, attention-hungry, and insane.

I Had an Un-Awkward, Totally Amazing First Threesome

And that’s the best kind of first threesome to have.

I Explored Bisexuality Because My First Sexual Experience Was With a Female

I learned sexual identity is not binary, but on a spectrum