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sted him and I felt comfortable around him since he was so open to me despite my personality.One day, I decided I needed to get the words out. I had to tell somebody and Brandon was the only one I trusted.“Brandon, I have something to tell you,” I exclaimed.“What’s up, Gerald? Is everything okay?” He asked, sounding worried“I have a crush on one of the girls in my class. I think you know her. Her name is Sara,” I replied with a bit of trepidation.“Oh, wow, have you told her about your crush?” He asked excitedly.“Of course not. I could never tell a girl as pretty and as smart as Sara that I like her. I’ve got the smart thing down but the pretty ship sailed long ago for me…” I quipped with a forced attempt at humor.I still remember this conversation very vividly. My confident, charismatic friend then took it upon himself to go up to my crush and tell her exactly what I had just said. I tried to stop him with minimal effort.He wanted me to break out of my shell and gain more confidence. He went up to her from a distance, as I watched horrified. He told her. They had a good laugh. They then had a little more unheard conversation.He came back to me with some news.I could tell by the way he was walking and by the expression on his face that she didn’t return the crush. I just wanted to have a crush. I didn’t want her to know about the crush. I was nervous. I was anxious. And worst of all, I didn’t have the chance to be comfortable or be able to talk or walk around her anymore without reminding her of what he had just said.I was the most awkward fifth-grader in our class. There was no way that she was going to say anything other than the appropriate response she gave to such a statement.It hit me like a brick. I felt weird even being around her. I found every excuse to avoid talking to her about it. I just wanted to be left alone. I know Brandon meant well but his plan backfired and I felt worse afterward.His goal was probably to get me to be more open but I didn’t like being rejected. This felt much, much worse than anything I had experienced in my personal life to this point. That fear of rejection had carried on into my adult life and well into my dating life in my 20s and early 30s.We were still in the same grade. I knew I’d have to see her constantly throughout the rest of elementary school at the very least. That, to me, would consist of just the last partial part of the fifth-grade year and one more in the sixth-grade year.In middle school, I didn't know if we would end up at the same school. I just had to get through less than two years and find every excuse to avoid the situation or even talk about it.Middle school came and all of the relevant players, including my best friend, were all at the new school. Brandon was a grade ahead of me so he had already acclimated himself to the new school. Sara and I were just arriving as newcomers. Now I had to avoid her for two more years, I thought.I think there were a couple of times in middle school when Sara t

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ried to approach me or talk to me. I found ways out of it each time. I would turn a corner pretending not to hear her. I would pretend like I was talking to someone else in the hallway, even if it was a complete stranger or someone I didn’t care for much. I would hang out with other friends, including Brandon, to avoid her.I didn’t want to deal with it. With the limited interaction she had with me, I wasn’t sure she did either. It was that or she knew I wasn’t ready to confront the rejection or my feelings around the whole situation. We had some classes together.I just didn’t want to confront her, I didn’t want to confront anything. I liked the way I had it set up. Anyway, I was long over my crush on her by then. It would just be awkward now.Another new school.Will I get to continue avoiding her as we will be at different schools or will she end up at the same school yet again leaving to confront this once and for all?High school, ninth grade. Just my luck, she’s still at the same school as me. I think it’s probably time to try confronting things. I’ve gotten older. It’s been a while. I no longer had a crush on her. We were both more mature and I’m sure she had long forgotten about it all or at least she was unaffected by it by now.“Hey, Gerald,” Sara said one day.“Hey, Sara, how are you, I feel like it’s been years since we’ve talked,” I said, knowingly.“Yeah, I know, about that thing,” she started.“What thing are you talking about? I don’t know anything about a thing.” I said, thinking I was sly in acting cool about it.“You know, in fifth grade, you told Brandon that you liked me.” She said bluntly and to the point, looking mildly annoyed at first.“Yeah, well I mean, I don’t have a crush on you anymore. I’ve just been too awkward to confront or deal with it so I’ve been avoiding you. Nothing personal,” I said with a little more confidence.“Oh, okay,” She responded with a sense of relief.The air of awkwardness had been lifted. I don’t know if acting any sooner than that would’ve cleared the air but that just wasn’t my style when I was younger.It seemed that I would rather let certain things fester than just confront somebody about something with the fear of hurt feelings and rejection being my deterrent. I didn’t have to make it weird or awkward, but that was just my personal style.I didn’t have a crush on her anymore and things seemed to be good between us after. We would always pass and say hi to each other and I no longer actively avoided her at school. I think this lesson taught me that I should confront things earlier and process the emotions and feelings around something sooner rather than later.Or I could just be more like my friend, Brandon. Much like the person, I’ve become as an adult, being more direct, confident, and outspoken. I still have my moments where I just want to avoid confrontation. I’m slowly learning that being avoidant and non-confrontational when the situation warrants it is definitely not good for me.</article></body>

I Spent Four Years Avoiding My Crush

A Story About Unrequited Feelings, Rejection, and Avoidance

I was a fairly shy and reserved kid when I was younger. I only met my best friend, Brandon, in elementary school because he came up to me during lunch and got me to sit at the table without eating lunch under my jacket. It happened that we lived in the same apartment complex and we would for a few years.

My friend, Brandon, plays heavily into this story. It’s because he’s more of an outgoing, outspoken, charismatic, and impulsive type. He’s the type of person who speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to try something new.

I was the very opposite. I always had to consider all of my options and wouldn’t act on something unless I had a plan or some idea of a plan. I’m still pretty indecisive to this day. That’s because I’m constantly thinking about my next move.

My friend Brandon seemed to live every day like it was his last. I’d certainly like to be more like him and I think that’s what initially drew me to him.

There was a girl that I started having a crush on as my mind became more aware of good-looking people around me. I had mostly been fairly asexual in terms of attraction. It didn’t ever really cross my mind about whether people were attractive or not.

Honestly, even though my crush, Sara, was very pretty, I think it was honestly her personality and her intelligence that really drew me to her. I enjoyed being around her. I enjoyed working with her in class. She made me feel happy.

I was a very studious and awkward kid. I was nerdy to the point of being uncool. In fact, when I ran for President of my sixth-grade class the year after I had developed a crush on Sara, I finished in last place.

I was the opposite of my friend, Brandon. I was uncharismatic, awkward, and nervous around people. I lacked basic communication skills with other students. The only thing that got me to talk about anything with anyone in school was academic pursuits.

Fifth grade was a really eventful year for me. I had just placed in my first school spelling bee. I came in second place that year but I should’ve finished in first. It was just that when I got on stage in front of the large audience, my mind froze up and I was distracted being in front of so many people.

I misspelled some of the easiest words I had encountered, school, nighttime, etc. It was embarrassing not just for me but for everyone who knew how competent my spelling skills were. I had the chops to make it to the national level but in my elementary spelling bee years, my stage fright got the best of me.

Placing in the school spelling bee that year gave me a little more confidence, however. It gave me some confidence to at least confide in my charismatic best friend, Brandon. I told him all of my deepest, darkest thoughts. I trusted him and I felt comfortable around him since he was so open to me despite my personality.

One day, I decided I needed to get the words out. I had to tell somebody and Brandon was the only one I trusted.

“Brandon, I have something to tell you,” I exclaimed.

“What’s up, Gerald? Is everything okay?” He asked, sounding worried

“I have a crush on one of the girls in my class. I think you know her. Her name is Sara,” I replied with a bit of trepidation.

“Oh, wow, have you told her about your crush?” He asked excitedly.

“Of course not. I could never tell a girl as pretty and as smart as Sara that I like her. I’ve got the smart thing down but the pretty ship sailed long ago for me…” I quipped with a forced attempt at humor.

I still remember this conversation very vividly. My confident, charismatic friend then took it upon himself to go up to my crush and tell her exactly what I had just said. I tried to stop him with minimal effort.

He wanted me to break out of my shell and gain more confidence. He went up to her from a distance, as I watched horrified. He told her. They had a good laugh. They then had a little more unheard conversation.

He came back to me with some news.

I could tell by the way he was walking and by the expression on his face that she didn’t return the crush. I just wanted to have a crush. I didn’t want her to know about the crush. I was nervous. I was anxious. And worst of all, I didn’t have the chance to be comfortable or be able to talk or walk around her anymore without reminding her of what he had just said.

I was the most awkward fifth-grader in our class. There was no way that she was going to say anything other than the appropriate response she gave to such a statement.

It hit me like a brick. I felt weird even being around her. I found every excuse to avoid talking to her about it. I just wanted to be left alone. I know Brandon meant well but his plan backfired and I felt worse afterward.

His goal was probably to get me to be more open but I didn’t like being rejected. This felt much, much worse than anything I had experienced in my personal life to this point. That fear of rejection had carried on into my adult life and well into my dating life in my 20s and early 30s.

We were still in the same grade. I knew I’d have to see her constantly throughout the rest of elementary school at the very least. That, to me, would consist of just the last partial part of the fifth-grade year and one more in the sixth-grade year.

In middle school, I didn't know if we would end up at the same school. I just had to get through less than two years and find every excuse to avoid the situation or even talk about it.

Middle school came and all of the relevant players, including my best friend, were all at the new school. Brandon was a grade ahead of me so he had already acclimated himself to the new school. Sara and I were just arriving as newcomers. Now I had to avoid her for two more years, I thought.

I think there were a couple of times in middle school when Sara tried to approach me or talk to me. I found ways out of it each time. I would turn a corner pretending not to hear her. I would pretend like I was talking to someone else in the hallway, even if it was a complete stranger or someone I didn’t care for much. I would hang out with other friends, including Brandon, to avoid her.

I didn’t want to deal with it. With the limited interaction she had with me, I wasn’t sure she did either. It was that or she knew I wasn’t ready to confront the rejection or my feelings around the whole situation. We had some classes together.

I just didn’t want to confront her, I didn’t want to confront anything. I liked the way I had it set up. Anyway, I was long over my crush on her by then. It would just be awkward now.

Another new school.

Will I get to continue avoiding her as we will be at different schools or will she end up at the same school yet again leaving to confront this once and for all?

High school, ninth grade. Just my luck, she’s still at the same school as me. I think it’s probably time to try confronting things. I’ve gotten older. It’s been a while. I no longer had a crush on her. We were both more mature and I’m sure she had long forgotten about it all or at least she was unaffected by it by now.

“Hey, Gerald,” Sara said one day.

“Hey, Sara, how are you, I feel like it’s been years since we’ve talked,” I said, knowingly.

“Yeah, I know, about that thing,” she started.

“What thing are you talking about? I don’t know anything about a thing.” I said, thinking I was sly in acting cool about it.

“You know, in fifth grade, you told Brandon that you liked me.” She said bluntly and to the point, looking mildly annoyed at first.

“Yeah, well I mean, I don’t have a crush on you anymore. I’ve just been too awkward to confront or deal with it so I’ve been avoiding you. Nothing personal,” I said with a little more confidence.

“Oh, okay,” She responded with a sense of relief.

The air of awkwardness had been lifted. I don’t know if acting any sooner than that would’ve cleared the air but that just wasn’t my style when I was younger.

It seemed that I would rather let certain things fester than just confront somebody about something with the fear of hurt feelings and rejection being my deterrent. I didn’t have to make it weird or awkward, but that was just my personal style.

I didn’t have a crush on her anymore and things seemed to be good between us after. We would always pass and say hi to each other and I no longer actively avoided her at school. I think this lesson taught me that I should confront things earlier and process the emotions and feelings around something sooner rather than later.

Or I could just be more like my friend, Brandon. Much like the person, I’ve become as an adult, being more direct, confident, and outspoken. I still have my moments where I just want to avoid confrontation. I’m slowly learning that being avoidant and non-confrontational when the situation warrants it is definitely not good for me.