avatarSusie Kearley

Summary

The author's tyrant father underwent a drastic personality change due to Parkinson's Disease, transforming into a kind old man before his passing, allowing the author to experience a positive relationship with him for the first time.

Abstract

The author recounts a challenging childhood under the harsh criticism and domineering behavior of their father. The father's tyrannical nature made the home environment toxic, leading to the author developing mental health issues. However, after the father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, his personality softened, and he became a pleasant and attentive figure in the author's life. This transformation allowed for a newfound connection and some meaningful interactions before the father's peaceful passing.

Opinions

  • The author harbored resentment towards their father for the relentless bullying and criticism experienced during childhood.
  • The father's change in behavior, attributed to Parkinson's Disease, was perceived as a positive shift by the author, who appreciated the newfound kindness and interest in their life.
  • Despite the father's improved demeanor, the author acknowledges that elements of his old personality occasionally resurfaced, particularly in his preference for television over personal interaction.
  • The author expresses gratitude for the opportunity to have spent quality time with the father in his final years, experiencing a side of him that was previously hidden.
  • The author reflects on the possibility that the kinder, more accepting side of their father might have been the traits that their mother initially fell in love with.

Parkinson’s Disease Turned My Tyrant Father Into A Sweet Old Man

It was nice to see the good side of him, before he passed away

© Susie Kearley

Growing up, my childhood was tough. I was bullied relentlessly at school, and when I got home, dad would lay into me too.

My father was a tyrant — always right, incredibly judgemental, down right nasty sometimes, and always laughing at someone else’s expense. Usually mine. I had a lot of resentment growing up in that atmosphere. I felt suffocated and the criticism was relentless. I couldn’t do anything right.

He’d burst into a rage over nothing — for interrupting the radio, saying the wrong thing, or looking the wrong way. He’d call me names and humiliate me routinely. It was like being raised by the school bullies, except he was bigger and more powerful than they were. Sometimes, I was scared of him.

We didn’t have much of a relationship growing up. Dad thought children should be seen and not heard. He demanded silence, and expected me and my sisters to stay out of the way when he sat down to dinner. It was a bit like living in Victorian England.

Dad didn’t do chat, so we never had a proper conversation, just instruction, correction and discipline. No discussion of anything. I resented his total disinterest in my point of view.

A mental health nightmare

By my teens, the atmosphere was toxic and I’d developed mental health problems. I wanted freedom, but he didn’t like me growing up and didn’t like my friends.

Eventually, I got married and escaped from the family home. Dad continued to be his charming self — if I went to see mum, he’d be rude, wanting me to go away. We barely exchanged two words. I was always interrupting, inconvenient, or just unwanted.

Then something odd happened

Strangely however, everything changed about seven years ago, when out of the blue, he had a personality transplant. He started being nice. It was weird. He started not having an opinion. Not caring. Letting mum make decisions. This was totally out of character. My dad became chilled.

When I visited mum, rather than be rude or ignore me, he’d join the conversation. He started complimenting me. This was surreal! I was used to hearing how ridiculous or inappropriate I was, but not that I looked nice… wearing ex-military gear! He would normally disapprove!

He turned into a pleasant old man. The effect on his personality was dramatic and strange. I liked the sweet old man he’d become.

The diagnosis

Dad was like this for a few years before he got a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, and even then, because he was chilled, he didn’t care. “You’ve got to die of something,” he said, when I suggested he went jogging or cycling, because it can slow the progression of the disease. He declined and went downhill fast. Within a few short years, he was on end-of-life care.

In the months before the pandemic, mum, dad and I would sit together, looking at photographs, chatting about what I’d been doing. He was attentive and listened. He couldn’t speak much and could barely stand up, but he seemed interested in my life. Interested in a way he never was before.

As we all faced the prospect of his imminent death, I saw this helpless old man, resigned to his fate, his tyrannical personality gone. But part of him was still inside — he still enjoyed reading and keeping up with the sport. Occasionally a glimmer of old dad snuck through, when he was more interested in television than in me. But mostly, he became a kind old man, who was more attentive than he’d ever been.

Slipping away

We never got to do father-daughter stuff, like going to the game, or walks in the countryside, but it was nice to spend some quality time with him in his twilight years. It was strange watching someone slip away. His body gave up, and his days came to pass in July, when he passed away peacefully in his sleep.

I’m pleased to have seen that kinder, more accepting side of him, and had some pleasant moments together before he passed away. I wonder if I finally saw more of the characteristics that mum first fell in love with, so many years ago.

© Susie Kearley

Read my related blog: My Dad Died This Morning

Death And Dying
Parkinsons
Abuse
Mental Health
Beyourself
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