I, Santa, Attach My Letter of Resignation
The time has come to move on
Dear Children of the World,
I know that my timing might be inopportune but I am hereby submitting my resignation.
While I have found the past 2000 years to be rewarding and have appreciated all the gracious feedback (including the generous abundance of milk and cookies), I have experienced some negative occurrences which I feel I must share as I take my leave.
In the past few hundred years, I have been facing a toxic workplace. A faction of those working in my direct command known as, “The Millennial Elves,” has become quite unprofessional and frankly, impossible to work with. Their lack of commitment around the demands of the job, especially during our busiest month of the year, combined with their ambivalence and antagonism has resulted in a hostile workplace environment.
Additionally, I oversee a squad of hoofed ruminant mammals. These mammals, known as my reindeer team, made a decision some years ago to stop their exercise regime in the off-season thereby resulting in a much slower and stressful delivery service.
I have also heard stories of bullying and of some who have targeted one particular reindeer by laughing at him, calling him names and never letting him join in any of their reindeer games.
As the founder of the business as well as the CEO, COO, CFO, CIO, CHRO, CAO, CTO and driver, I feel that there is a lack of opportunities for future career advancement.
My pay, beyond the aforementioned milk and cookies, does not afford me with any disposable income. My wife and I would enjoy some streaming services as an example, but my current earnings put me out of the Netflix purchase bracket. (and I understand that David Beckham has some sort of documentary? I’d love to see the story of another Boss!)
Additionally, while the temperatures at the North Pole have risen over the past number of years, the cold has taken a toll on my health and relocating to a warmer locale would be a welcome change.
If there were opportunities to continue my career virtually, I would stay on in the role, but I don’t foresee this possibility.
Before I take leave of my position, I would like to clear up some rumours which have arisen over the years concerning my conduct.
Never once did I kiss anyone’s mother underneath mistletoe. I love and respect Mrs. Claus too much to have been involved in such activities.
Additionally, I do not know when you are sleeping or when you’re awake. I have never taken to any methods of stalking.
And, yes, there was a grandmother run over by a reindeer. It was tragic. But I must vehemently disagree with any assertion that said reindeer was a part of my team. Why would one of my reindeers even be in that part of town?
I appreciate being able to provide you with so much happiness over the years. I hope that someone else takes on this role so as to continue to bring you the joy you deserve.
If you’ve been nice.
So as I bid adieu,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
p.s. could you talk to your parents about having their chimneys cleaned? It’s shocking I don’t have some sort of pulmonary disease!