I Run From the Confrontation My Ex-Friend Thrives On

I plan my life so I don’t have to face her

“Is Meghan coming?”

I pretend indifference as if their response will have no effect on my actions.

“I don’t know. Why?” The host of the event asks.

“Just curious.”

The truth is if Meghan is attending, I won’t be.

It’s cowardly on my part but I shrink from the confrontation she thrives on. She’s a five-foot-nothing emotional bully, and I don’t have the guts to face her.

If I can get a copy of a guest list and her name is on it — I can make a plan to be otherwise engaged that night.

See, I’d rather do anything including dental surgery, standing in line at the DMV, or cleaning a ripe litter box, than deal with her adorable brutality.

Meghan and I had a huge falling out and the ash from our relationship going up in flames still hasn’t settled, or maybe I’m covered in ashes and can’t see any other option than avoidance.

I’ve missed parties, shows, and even funerals because I don’t want to run into Meghan.

When I have no way of knowing whether she’ll be there or not, I have to suss out the situation on my own.

Will it look good for Meghan if she attends?

Can she meet someone who can help her career?

Does she genuinely like the person?

If I have no insider information, I err on the side of caution and stay home.

She’s so adept at social situations, people can’t tell when she’s being nice to them because she thinks they can do something for her.

You can be in a conversation with Meghan and if she sees someone who is a bigger name, she’ll graciously excuse herself and will be gone before you even know you’ve been tossed aside.

My Meghan fear has cost me dearly — not only in the social events I miss but in the friendships I’ve lost.

When we first start a relationship, even a friendship, we tend to be on our best behavior. It may not even be conscious, but we want to make a great impression.

You don’t have to be the perfect friend — that will come later, but you do put the best version of yourself forward.

Hook them in with the positives of your personality — your sense of humor, your kindness, and your generosity. Hopefully, by the time your shyness, awkwardness, and irrational fears start to seep out, your friendship will already be in place.

And you’ll already be firmly established as a dear friend.

The early months of my friendship with Meghan were great. Then I relaxed and trusted Meghan enough to show my vulnerability.

Big mistake, for she found fault in nearly everything I did and thought. It was as if my existence insulted her sensibilities.

The real me became Meghan’s project, and like water on a stone, she tried to smooth away my perceived flaws, though deep inside, I’m sure she knew I’d fall short.

On the other hand, Meghan didn’t feel she needed to hide her negative personality traits, she simply made them virtues.

She wasn’t cruel but mercilessly honest.

She wasn’t judgmental but a weakness detector.

She didn’t lack empathy but had faith in one’s ability to save themselves.

Nothing was ever her fault, and in her mind, she rarely made a wrong move.

If you didn’t praise her enough, you were jealous.

If she made you cry, you were weak.

She welcomed criticism but only from people who were more successful than she was.

When every encounter with Meghan included a debriefing of how I’d screwed up or failed, I knew it was time to disengage. I’d stupidly brought her into my friend circle, so I knew it would be impossible to cut ties entirely.

I’d distance myself from her and avoid any one-on-one meetings, and she’d get the message as if through osmosis. Eventually, at parties, we’d be pleasant but uninvolved.

It wouldn’t be a full-on ghosting, more of a fading. I’d be perched on the outskirts of Meghan’s life, but far enough away she couldn’t hurt me.

It didn’t take her long to realize I was no longer part of her ride-or-dies.

“I need closure. Let’s meet for coffee and discuss things,” Meghan wrote.

I thought about meeting her, discussed it with a few friends, and knew it wouldn’t solve anything. I didn’t respond to her request, which infuriated her more.

Meghan was seething and looking for blood.

When a party for one of our mutual friends was suddenly being held at Meghan’s place, Meghan came up with an ultimatum.

“If you want to be allowed in my house as a guest, I suggest you get here an hour early, so we can talk about what happened and you can apologize.”

I wanted to celebrate our mutual friend, but I knew that I wouldn’t get through that conversation unscathed — I’d end up in tears like I always did when Meghan wanted to make a point.

No, I was tired of Meghan making me feel bad for being human and not her perfect little sycophant.

Instead of responding to her email, I simply sent the invitation back with my regrets that I would be unable to attend.

But it wasn’t over. No, all I’d done was put a bullseye on my heart.

When Meghan was half across town, I felt a little safer, but then she moved two neighborhoods closer to me.

“I saw Meghan at the grocery store,” my boyfriend told me one day.

Yikes! Our local store that was once so convenient was a field with deadly Meghan landmines ready to detonate.

What would I do if I saw her? Where would I hide? Would I abandon my cart filled with cat food, yellow papayas, and toilet paper in the bread aisle?

I found a new store — I couldn’t risk a chance encounter.

When I didn’t show up to a friend, Cary’s birthday party but Meghan did, it ruined my relationship with Cary.

I tried to explain to Cary that I had been out of town visiting my mother, but he didn’t buy it. He thought I’d deliberately scheduled the trip so I wouldn’t have to face Meghan.

I’m not denying that could have been the case, but this time it wasn’t.

Although I never asked anyone to choose between Meghan and me, many people did, and those friends just seemed to fall away.

I don’t have any regrets about not being friends with Meghan, but I do have some about the way I’ve handled or avoided dealing with our breakup.

I may hate confrontation, but by hiding from it, I only made it worse. Running away from a problem doesn’t solve it, and it doesn’t make it disappear.

The conflict may still be scary to me, but I’m sure Meghan has moved on. I don’t think she sits in a dark room thinking about how badly she wants closure.

It’s time to stop hiding from Meghan and stand up for myself. I’ve lost too much — friends, a sense of freedom, and self-respect.

She’s not my boss, my judge, or my family.

If I run into her at a party or the store, I can woman-up and be pleasant as if she were an acquaintance.

And if she wants to get into it, we can have a conversation. I can stay unemotional and composed. She has no power over me anymore, and her opinion of me has no bearing on my life.

Now, whether or not Meghan is attending, she won’t have any influence on my decision. I won’t run scared any longer.

Here’s my permanent R.S.V.P. — Christine will be attending, no matter who’s on the guest list.

Thanks so much for reading! I truly appreciate it.