I Rejected the Flirting Culture. And How Did This Help me Get To Know Myself Better?
I reinvented myself as a romantic woman
Since I know myself, I have a firm stance against flirting. I’m not sure what the reason is. I was opposed to dating, perhaps because I dislike the nature of fleeting things, or perhaps because I prefer deeper relationships. Or I’m afraid that if I become too attached to the person in front of me, I’ll lose control. Because I know how difficult it is for me to be superficial. As a result, I tried to be cautious even when making eye contact with people. Looking at someone once may be a coincidence, but when that look is repeated twice and lasts over 3 seconds, it’s like an invitation to certain emotions.
I tried to flirt a few times. I won’t lie. But my actions were so far from the purpose that I didn’t feel honest neither looking at them nor sending different joking signals to someone. I said what am I doing? I don’t like this person so why am I pretending to care about him? The problem comes back to deepen relationships. But at the core of everything was a love-hate relationship with myself. So I was burying myself romantically attractive. This made my every move seem childish.
But then I realized I didn’t understand the true meanings of dating. Flirting was a broad field that included both implicit and subliminal messages. It doesn’t have to be anything obvious if you think you’re flirting with someone. I even told myself, “You don’t have to be someone to date,” to bring out the shy but flirtatious side of myself. It was a step that opened up all possibilities and brought out the romantic woman in me.
I don’t regret rejecting dating culture. Because it served a great purpose for me. I don’t know if I would be happy to date random people.
Understanding flirting as a socializing tool
When we all think of flirting, a romantic relationship comes to mind. But Scientific American explains the concept of flirting socially.
Flirtation is an art. It is also a deftly employed social tool.
it does help us determine the social investment potential for romantic relationships.
Since most flirting depends on non-verbal cues, it may also have to do with how we communicate as social creatures. So maybe you like to talk to someone or to joke with someone other than a romantic meaning. However, some of us (like me) may distance ourselves from our social identity and act more distant from those around us, since unwritten rules in society may accept this as flirting. That’s why I think we need to expand the idea that flirt can be handled away from sexuality and romance. Because I dealt with the subject of dating individually on my own and I learned a lot.
How did rejecting flirt culture help me identify myself as a romantic?
I saw dating as a huge social uproar. Meaningful signals, responding to the signal, rising hormones, then the same stories going on with someone else. This created a vast cloud of anxiety in my head. I am a person who cannot jump right into the event without analyzing something inside me. That’s why there were so many times that my ineptness at dating made me miserable.
Mostly when we can’t do the things that everyone does easily, we look for the deficiency in ourselves. But dating was not an area where I could improve myself. Because I didn’t want to apply. So I created my dating habits. Including no one in my story. Just because I don’t enjoy dating doesn’t mean I won’t explore this field. Because damn, no one knew the romantic potential in me better than I did.
How do you flirt?
Everyone has flirting potential. These dating habits affect our romantic life closely. I used to make a lot of observations before I discovered my potential as a romantic. Besides, I would sit outside and watch the passers-by and watch their movements. I used to read a lot and watch a lot of movies on relationships and romantic behaviors. As an actor prepares for the role, I would first observe some ideas and behaviors and then try to put them into practice.
As I am a very good observer and researcher, it was easy for me to find out what I liked romantically. Studies show that every person exhibits at least one of the 5 dating behaviors dominantly. I now know that I belong to the traditional and polite types from these dating behaviors, which are divided into traditional, physical, Polite, Sincere, and playful.
I’m traditional because I don’t like extremes, too much sincerity. I want things to go slower in all my interactions with people, including relationships and dating. That’s why I’m the one who takes my relationships slowly, even in friendships. I also belong to the kind type because I don’t like to intrude on people’s territory or give them more obvious flirty messages. I like to impress people with my kindness.
When I think about these 5 dating behaviors, I understand better what I like. I like to experience things mysteriously, so I like the hit-and-run method sometimes. I like to confuse the other person with my meaningful words. I know I traditionally like to get date offers and do old-fashioned activities on dates. So when I need something romantic, I make myself the main character of a movie. That sounds more appealing to me than dating for real. I know that these selective behaviors do not protect me from making mistakes in my relationships but I am still learning to establish deeper relationships because I am not afraid of making mistakes.
Finding my love language
I was relieved when I realized I wasn’t shying away from flirting; it was just that the fleeting nature of flirting wasn’t for me. But the matter did not end here. There was something else in life that I needed to improve or change, rather than flirting. It was also discovering my language of love. You know, we all show our love in other ways. The way we accept love and the way we show love determines our relational needs as individuals.
Among the 5 love languages, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, I love to show my love by spending quality time and sometimes by preparing small gifts for the people I love. I can say that spending quality time is the purpose of my life. I care more about what I talk to someone than what I do, but the quality of what we do also changes from time to time.
Discovering my love language has stabilized not only my social relationships but also my relationship with myself. So by drawing sharp boundaries, I loosened my ties to my taboo thoughts. I thought maybe I’d propose for a coffee, to go to an exhibition, for a date or a relationship. Or I would like to open a chat and talk at length about a movie I love. I’ve done these before. I do these all the time. The people I just want to spend quality time with are very limited. But now I’ve learned not to worry about that either. Because before I reach the top of a ladder, I recognize myself on the bottom steps. Yes, this is how I answer those who say why I don’t flirt with anyone.
Show and receive attention
I realized that I made a promise to myself. Seeing my constant effort to keep this promise, I changed my word, not myself. I thought I had to show interest to get attention. But as someone who mainly dislikes attention, I decided I should take care of myself first. The interest overwhelmed me. So is staying with myself. I went through a long process of finding out what I like romantically by practicing staying with myself. Here I found out what my limits are, what I like, my toxic habits in my thoughts about love.
Of course, finding such habits was not by reading a book or watching a movie, saying, “I know this behavior, or yes, I feel that way too”. I learned my behaviors about receiving attention and accepting love by doing my deepest studies, shadow work, counseling, and learning astrology. And even now, I wouldn’t want to shorten discovering my feminine side and finding my romantic self.
As I explored myself on a deeper level, I stopped experiencing superficial excitement and began noticing a deep emotion. When I realized that every event on the earthly plane was a spiritual contract, I no longer questioned why I didn’t flirt with anyone. Because in this life, I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with anyone as I want without correcting my relationship with myself. Shyness was my biggest mask in this life.
I currently give myself a 7 out of 10 for showing and accepting attention. I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m not in a hurry. Because I no longer compare myself to other people’s behavior. The way I am. I know what I want. And the things I want are too normal to make me look deficient in society.
As a result, before things flared up in a relationship or dating, finding things I was excited about brought me closer to my romantic identity. And now I don’t feel clumsy or callous in these matters. It may have taken a while to just find the things I like to spend time with and work out my communication language, but if I’m still alive, why would that be a problem?
- What am I forcing myself to?
- What is my love language in a relationship?
- What do I enjoy romantically?
- What are my material-spiritual expectations from a relationship?
Now, you can apply the same steps to yourself in your past relationships or dating. And with questions like these, you can start to guide yourself.
Hi, I’m Bensu. I write about mind, hard feelings, and self-love. If you enjoyed my articles about surpassing yourself and achieving your dreams, you can start your medium subscription from this link:
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