How not being my friend’s maid of honor taught me a lot about relationships.

It’s much more than an autograph on a piece of paper.

Where it all started

We randomly met, at the farewell party of a friend we have in common. We were going to the same school in Paris, but in different places so we didn’t know each other. We started talking and both embarked in a flow of words. It didn’t feel as usual.

That woman in front of me was powerful, she had charisma: I instantly felt safe and taken care of. She’s one of the purest beauty I’ve seen in my whole life. I can’t remember what we talked about, besides one topic we both value today, but I remember how I felt.

That night, she told me something a lot of people say nowadays but can’t seem to honor a few seconds after they pronounce it. We exchanged our facebook. When leaving the table, she pointed her index right at me, looked me in the eyes and said: “I’ll see you again”.

We did see each other again. And again. We eventually became best friends. I called her my sister, my twin, my everything. We’re the same age, but she had been through a lot and looked like a grown-up when I was still a kid. Back in time, my self-esteem was close to 0, I was lost in life and didn’t think I was worth it. She proved me wrong and always uplifted me since we met. I considered her as my role model and mentor. We were always there for each other. We’ve shared the best times but also the most difficult periods of our lives.

When life comes in your way

Year after year, we evolved, same city, different goals. Work. Boyfriends. Commitments. We got separated by our own daily lives. Nevertheless, we kept in touch and saw each other once in a while. New Years Eve. Birthdays. We could still rely on each other but something had changed. We ended up being never available for drinks, dinners, movie nights or even for calls, we always canceled last minute.

We kept that “best friends” label, but did it still meant something?

Friendship is like being in love, but with a friend. It means loyalty, trust, respect, and compassion. We had all that, but the magic had disappeared. Nothing was aligned. All of a sudden, our friendship had faded away.

A new hope?

A year ago, she wrote to me and needed to see me right away. It had been a long time since we had not spent time together and I was extremely happy to see her! She came to announce that her boyfriend proposed! She was engaged and asked me to be her wedding witness.

Wow.

I was full of joy. I had never been a wedding witness before! I was shy, surprised and enthusiastic at the same time. She had chosen me over the rest of the world to be her wedding witness. I looked at her ring, caught my breath, smiled and said “yes” instantly.

The tipping point

After a few months, something happened. She told me about issues she had and explicitly made me understand that she’d require my presence, my attention, and my support.

To my surprise — and to hers — I couldn’t help her.

Something unconscious I still can’t explain today happened in my brain. I was rejecting her. It felt anxious just talking to her. Even sending her a simple text was difficult. When we saw each other we yelled and got angry for no reason. I felt guilty because I wasn’t helping her and I didn’t know how to act. I felt powerless, selfish, arrogant and needless to say, a shitty best friend.

Was I scared to lose her? Did I rely on a past loss involving medical issues of a close family member? I still haven’t figured that out.

The downfall

A few months later, after a violent disagreement — when she needed my attention and couldn’t understand why I was acting like nothing she had known before — we talked about it. The Wedding. The witness “thing”.

We both stated that, regarding the situation, I couldn’t be her wedding witness. Nevertheless, she would still invite me to her wedding, because: “you are still someone I highly value in my life” she said. I declined to be part of the bachelorette party I was supposed to organize in the first place, but I finally took the decision, almost last minute, to go to her wedding.

It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. She had been my best friend for life and I felt ashamed of my attitude towards her, I didn’t know how to fix things.

How would people aware of our story react when they see me at the wedding? How would she see me? Would she even want me here?

I was about to find out in just a few weeks.

The reunion

It’s 4 pm. My palms are sweating, I feel my heart beating in my chest, I am tense and impatient. I want to be there and to run away at the same time, I want it to end and it’s only the beginning. I have that stupid fear of looking into people’s eyes. Some I know see me, smile and make a sign, and some turn the eyes away, as if I was just a stranger.

Discomfort? Shame? Lack of self-esteem? I felt them all.

My uncomfortable thoughts are interrupted by the soft purr of an engine. A few seconds later, an old white and blue Citroën Méhari appears. Here they are; they both look happy, elegant and proud.

My friend and I shyly exchanged greetings. I felt like a random person at that moment. I was expecting more enthusiasm, a complicit gaze, a smile, a taste of the past. In fairness to her, she was stressed, and I had been disloyal. I deserved it.

As she was saluting other guests, I looked at her shine. I was proud of her.

The day after was the big dinner and party — yes, that moment you’re gonna be stuck with people you probably don’t know and unless they’re interesting, dinner will last forever — I was lucky enough, my table was pretty amazing and I had a good time.

By refusing to be her wedding witness, I was downgraded to a seat at table 4 instead of being part of the newlyweds fancy table.

One speech after another, I was carefully listening.

By refusing to be her wedding witness, I didn’t have my word to say and couldn’t express my feelings at that very moment. I thought “what would I have said anyway?”, “would she even believe my words after the attitude I had had towards her?”

When the Universe leads you exactly where you ought to be

The party finally starts. People dance, drink, have fun. I’m having fun too, singing and dancing like crazy. I begin being myself again, but I feel something I can’t leave unnoticed.

I am a spectator watching a movie. I keep looking at her, I want to make sure she is OK.

When she designated me to be her wedding witness, she made me promise two things:

“Promise me you’ll help me with my dress when I need to pee and you’ll make sure I don’t drink too much because I want to remember this day all my life.”

I had forgotten those two promises I made back in time, but it seems that they came back naturally. I couldn’t behave any other way than being there for her. Besides having fun that night, I spent my evening bringing water to both the bride and the groom, always making sure they were alright.

My friend sometimes needed to be cheered up to bring her mind back into the present moment. We went to pee on the grass (twice), yelled at the moon to discharge some of our emotions and drank liters of water. I massaged her neck, head, and even her feet.

Love lead me to where I needed to be.

I felt being myself again. My compassion for her was back and the struggle came to an end. I was aligned.

The mind shift

During dinner, I beat myself up thinking “I should never have refused to be her wedding witness”. I wanted to be at that fancy table. I wanted to give that speech. I wanted the glory, the red carpet, and the glitters. But mostly, I wanted her attention.

After I noticed my compassionate behavior during the party, I came to realize that glory and red carpet were not the “why” I was here for, and I wasn’t seeking her attention at all.

No one asked me to, but that night, I did what I felt was the best, and I wasn’t expecting anything in return. I felt like I was some kind of angel delivering what she needed, discreetly keeping an eye on my protégée. From that moment, I knew I’d be there for her no matter what. I had accomplished my mission.

The lesson I was taught that night

To me, caring is more important and more meaningful than signing a piece of paper. That night, I wasn’t “labeled” as a wedding witness or bridesmaid, but I was there.

Actions are louder than words.

It’s not about your status, your label or a paper you sign. It’s about what you do, how you feel, and about how you make people feel.

Closing thoughts

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

— Maya Angelou

Maybe she won’t remember any of what I did for her that night, and to be honest, it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t mind that she didn’t spend time with me that day, that I didn’t get to sit at her table, that I didn’t get to make my speech to pour my heart out that day. I just hope I contributed to making her feel happy and that she, and her husband, made the most of their wedding day.

The reason for my presence to that wedding was that I had to be there for her that night, and every other day. Not just today. Not just one time.

Every time.

“Friendship is not about expecting, but about giving and sharing unconditionally.”

Real friendship is not some kind of expectations from one to another. It’s about love, it’s sometimes tough, and it’s part of the game.

❤️ There is more to come. Follow me!

I’m always happy to read your comments, answer your questions, and share my experience. ️

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