I Refuse to Be Depressed

I’m over it. I’m through with it. I’m over being depressed. I have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder: Bipolar type. I’ve been diagnosed for about 8 years now. I’ve had happy times in those eight years, but in the past two years I have struggled deeply with psychosis and depression.
Depression is linked to psychosis and even when I’m not actively psychotic I am usually depressed over intrusive thoughts, sins I feel I’m committing in my mind, what I will call my situation, and feelings that I’m not good enough, or not enough.
For those who are interested, I wrote a previous article on what its like to live with Schizoaffective Disorder.
It often feels like I am losing a war with the darkness.
I used to let depression tint my perception but no longer. I decided I don’t care how I feel. I don’t care if I feel depressed. I’m still going to force myself to do everything I would do on a day I’m feeling well. That includes taking long walks and exercising, writing, playing guitar, sewing, and studying for an exam.
I no longer care how I feel. Feel depressed? I don’t care.
I will not listen to the excuses anymore. Whats the point?
The point is I have goals set and a purpose I will see manifested in my life time.
The point is I care about myself enough to say F-U to depression and suicidal thoughts.
I’m going to make the best of my life. I am going to stick around.
I am going to rejoice with the people God put in my life.
When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t care how I feel, I’m doing amazing. I’m awesome. I’m great. Thank you. How are you?
Depression? Nope. Not here.
I will accomplish my goals.
Goal #1 Wake up and thank God for another day.
I am currently on disability but I have plans to work again and bless others and be a blessing. I appreciate that in my time of need I have disability to fall back on, for that I’m grateful. But I’m not gonna sit around and do nothing with the rest of my life. I am going to make something of myself.
Everyone who has ever been depressed knows how hard it is to keep up with your activities and your daily routine while depressed. I struggled for years, letting depression get the best of my talents and abilities. But not anymore. Like I said before, I do not care how I feel. It is of no importance to me. I simply keep going in the direction I wish to go in.
I have goals to work again. I have creative goals to write books, give lectures, and make music. I have goals to write everyday.
In the midst of what was once depression I find myself, pick myself up, and start living my best life. No one is going to live my life for me. I have to live it myself. I’ve let depression get the best of me for too long. It no longer has a hold on me.
