I Realize I’ve Been Happy Only When I’m Sad

So I sulk with heavy eyes and sit with my sadness for a little while.

I am still. It’s impossible to keep my eyes open. My cheeks are sticky with tears that dry slowly. I feel a dull headache peek through my skull, a typical side effect of crying for me.

My lips are dry and they hurt. I move in slow motion as I try to match the dance of trees with my head as I watch from my second-floor window. The howling wind soothes me a bit, and I try to ignore my palpitating heart.

My fingertips are cold. I keep my eyes closed and listen to the sound the keys make. Surprisingly, I am able to write without even looking. This brings some humor to me, but it still feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

I try to breathe deeply but end up with a cough. The blister I noticed this morning feels like it’s stretching.

Yuck — I’m ugly enough.

Who cares? I don’t see anyone anyway.

I take a sip of water and it calms me a bit.

Feeling Ugly

I look at myself in the mirror that sits on my windowsill.

“Damn, I look like shit,” I think as I stare at my horrid eyebrows and scars that won’t leave.

I swallow but I still feel a lump in my throat, even though I just cried for an hour. My eyes are so puffy, the right one has closed on its own again.

My negative mind spirals. I only wish I could take my own advice. On the outside, it must look like I have my life together, but I don’t. I keep experiencing bursts of shivers every few moments.

I scrunch my nose like a child who is misbehaving.

Am I depressed again or just having a moment? I’m not really sure. My knee pulsates in pain.

I know that nothing bad can happen from crying.

I should let myself feel vulnerable. I’m partial to feeling anger as my primary reactive emotion. It’s just easier that way.

It helps me pretend I am in control of my mind, and I almost feel a bit powerful. But when I’m sad, I know I have made progress. It just doesn’t feel as good as anger does.

I want to be able to understand what my emotions are. People call me sensitive and intense. I don’t know why. It makes me sadder. My eyes well up at the thought of others dismissing my pain, and I find a frown on my face again.

I sigh as I look up to the clouds. I pray, “Universe, I could use some strength right now to make the best decision with the information I have. I trust in you always to help me.”

I decide to leave it at that and go on with my day.

🆂🆄🆉🍊

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