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Abstract

ir, and that often leads to a child emotionally pulling away from both parents as an adult.But creating working boundaries is not always possible. Too often children find themselves trapped between two people they love, creating a situation they hate.Which brings us to the issue of those dreaded post-divorce parental encounters. Encounters between two people who once loved each other but then suddenly couldn’t be in the same assembly hall, church, or hospital room without using the occasion as an opportunity to start an argument.Looking back, many children speak of these times as being incredibly stress-producing. Some describe each visitation as starting off with a mad dash to a waiting car, hoping that if they’d only run fast enough the two people they love the most would not get an opportunity to confront each other.And at the end of each visit, with each drop-off, there were the predictable questions from the greeting parent. Those interrogations thinly disguised as conversations.In study after study, and anecdote after anecdote adult children speak of feeling like carrier pigeons as they were asked to carry passive-aggressive messages back and forth between two adults perfectly capable of texting and emailing.An although many adult children of divorce report that things tend to get less complicated with time, the feelings of being placed in the middle often do not go away until and unless the situation improved either by the parents mellowing out or by the child demanding for things to change.And here lies the number one complaint of adult children of divorce. The fact that so many divorced parents continue to fight long after the papers are signed and the divorce dust has settled is the one major issue preventing children from getting passed parental divorce.The fact that one parent might have left the other, spent too much or too little time with the child, that the child had to get used to two sets of house rules and different expectations was not as taxing on a child as parents not getting along and placing the child in the middle of their fights.Hostility between parents is the acid that prevents other scars from healing. While many other aspects are impossible to control, the ability to get along or the ability to contain arguments to texting and emailing can be mastered.And this aspect of co-parenting is often the one issue with the largest impact on whether a child will adjust to a tough situation or continue to struggle for decades with the risk of internalizing the issues that are supposed to belong solely to the parents.Leah Miller, the author of The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak, explains:“When the parents reject each other they are rejecting half of the child”Of course, there are other issues that can make the process of divorce extremely challenging but none leaves deeper scars than the parents continuing to stay in their marital pre-divorce roles when they inst

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ead ought to be focused on developing a co-parenting partnership.With approximately 40 percent of children under the age of 18 having experienced a parental divorce, should we, as a society, not be better at divorcing?It seems as though we are trying. Children who grew up during the 1970s, when divorce rates skyrocketed, are now adults with children of their own, making them more aware of and empathetic to the effect divorce has on a child.Also, many courts now implement mandatory family counseling prior to granting a divorce. Programs such as M. Gary Neuman’s Sandcastles Program are used by courts around the US and in several countries to help children navigate parental divorce through play, art, role-playing, and moderated parent-child discussions.Although this is a step in the right direction, programs with an emphasis on effective co-parenting would be even more beneficial since this would prevent much of the trauma experienced by a child.And preventative, inexpensive assistance is also available in book form. A search for divorce and self-help books on Amazon yields more than 7,000 titles.Studies show that children who spend close to equal time with both parents, whose parents pay regular child support, maintain a good working relationship with the ex, and refrain from starting a new relationship immediately after a divorce have an easier time adjusting and have fewer lasting scars.Studies also show a large majority of children going through a parental divorce adapt fairly well after an initial two year adjustment period.It doesn’t mean divorce is pain-free. Having thoroughly studied the issue I am convinced that a child growing up within the perimeters of a well-functioning low-stress structure has an advantage over those who don’t. The fact that a majority of children score well on psychological tests, and perform satisfactorily in school two years after going through a life-changing event such as divorce is, in my opinion, often due to the fact that children are generally resourceful and adaptable, and not as much due to exceptional co-parenting.For many parents, getting out of bed in the morning is hard enough after a divorce. Add to that the economic changes that often follow and one can see why children so often have to pay a price.Although the stigma surrounding divorce is decreasing as divorce has become more normalized, the changes that come with parental divorce still generate pain asking children to develop complex skills in order to cope and to heal efficiently enough to move forward.Unless we take a preventative approach to children and divorce and unless we listen to and learn from the adults who have experienced the transition, the scars will not heal, however.If you’re interested in reading my full meta-analysis, with all supporting data please contact me at <a href="mailto:[email protected]">[email protected]</a>, and I’ll be happy to email you a copy.</article></body>

I Read 100 Studies and 10 Books About Children and Divorce

And the #1 most painful aspect of parental divorce is fully preventable

They met, fell in love and there you were. A bystander looking in at that thing called marriage. Maybe your parents got along at first. Maybe it seems as if they always did and the announcement came as a shock to you.

Either way, from the day they told you, life as you knew it would never be the same.

After reading more than 100 studies, 10 books, numerous articles, and writing a master’s thesis on the subject of adults looking back at parental divorce, I’ve come to the scientific conclusion that divorce sucks but that it would suck less if we knew how to do it.

Divorce could be so much less anxiety-producing and leave less long-term scars if we were good at it. But we’re not.

Adult children who lived through it tell us that going through a parental divorce is tough.

Adults looking back at their experiences speak of losing their footing after being told their parents would no longer live together. And many describe their parents’ announcement as unexpected, orchestrated without much of a warning of what was to come. One day both parents are together, sharing a home and a bed. The next day one parent is gone. The clothes are gone. The car is gone. The physical being who used to occupy that chair at the kitchen table is replaced by a voice, a nightly phone call, a text, or an email. If one is lucky.

Suddenly one parent becomes a visitor — someone who rings the doorbell or waits in the car. Visits are scheduled and less spontaneous. Conversations are orchestrated. Words deemed frivolous are omitted because time is limited.

And as time with the non-custodial parent is condensed so is time spent with aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents on that side of the family. This change is often permanent.

After a divorce, the relationship between the parent with primary custody and the child often changes as well. Expenses that used to be divided into two are multiplied making it necessary for many parents to increase working hours which leaves less time for the family.

For a parent, divorce is also an emotionally draining, energy-zapping life change that takes years to recover from and one that too many times puts parenting on the back burner. In the process, children are often asked to take on adult responsibilities.

Not only are newly divorced parents asking children to pitch in with chores and babysitting, they often lean on their children for emotional support as well — especially if the divorce wasn’t amicable. For many children, this parentification, or role reversal, becomes a burden, one that often leads to alliances and warped one-sided views of the other parent that might take years to repair, and that often leads to a child emotionally pulling away from both parents as an adult.

But creating working boundaries is not always possible. Too often children find themselves trapped between two people they love, creating a situation they hate.

Which brings us to the issue of those dreaded post-divorce parental encounters. Encounters between two people who once loved each other but then suddenly couldn’t be in the same assembly hall, church, or hospital room without using the occasion as an opportunity to start an argument.

Looking back, many children speak of these times as being incredibly stress-producing. Some describe each visitation as starting off with a mad dash to a waiting car, hoping that if they’d only run fast enough the two people they love the most would not get an opportunity to confront each other.

And at the end of each visit, with each drop-off, there were the predictable questions from the greeting parent. Those interrogations thinly disguised as conversations.

In study after study, and anecdote after anecdote adult children speak of feeling like carrier pigeons as they were asked to carry passive-aggressive messages back and forth between two adults perfectly capable of texting and emailing.

An although many adult children of divorce report that things tend to get less complicated with time, the feelings of being placed in the middle often do not go away until and unless the situation improved either by the parents mellowing out or by the child demanding for things to change.

And here lies the number one complaint of adult children of divorce. The fact that so many divorced parents continue to fight long after the papers are signed and the divorce dust has settled is the one major issue preventing children from getting passed parental divorce.

The fact that one parent might have left the other, spent too much or too little time with the child, that the child had to get used to two sets of house rules and different expectations was not as taxing on a child as parents not getting along and placing the child in the middle of their fights.

Hostility between parents is the acid that prevents other scars from healing. While many other aspects are impossible to control, the ability to get along or the ability to contain arguments to texting and emailing can be mastered.

And this aspect of co-parenting is often the one issue with the largest impact on whether a child will adjust to a tough situation or continue to struggle for decades with the risk of internalizing the issues that are supposed to belong solely to the parents.

Leah Miller, the author of The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak, explains:

“When the parents reject each other they are rejecting half of the child”

Of course, there are other issues that can make the process of divorce extremely challenging but none leaves deeper scars than the parents continuing to stay in their marital pre-divorce roles when they instead ought to be focused on developing a co-parenting partnership.

With approximately 40 percent of children under the age of 18 having experienced a parental divorce, should we, as a society, not be better at divorcing?

It seems as though we are trying. Children who grew up during the 1970s, when divorce rates skyrocketed, are now adults with children of their own, making them more aware of and empathetic to the effect divorce has on a child.

Also, many courts now implement mandatory family counseling prior to granting a divorce. Programs such as M. Gary Neuman’s Sandcastles Program are used by courts around the US and in several countries to help children navigate parental divorce through play, art, role-playing, and moderated parent-child discussions.

Although this is a step in the right direction, programs with an emphasis on effective co-parenting would be even more beneficial since this would prevent much of the trauma experienced by a child.

And preventative, inexpensive assistance is also available in book form. A search for divorce and self-help books on Amazon yields more than 7,000 titles.

Studies show that children who spend close to equal time with both parents, whose parents pay regular child support, maintain a good working relationship with the ex, and refrain from starting a new relationship immediately after a divorce have an easier time adjusting and have fewer lasting scars.

Studies also show a large majority of children going through a parental divorce adapt fairly well after an initial two year adjustment period.

It doesn’t mean divorce is pain-free. Having thoroughly studied the issue I am convinced that a child growing up within the perimeters of a well-functioning low-stress structure has an advantage over those who don’t. The fact that a majority of children score well on psychological tests, and perform satisfactorily in school two years after going through a life-changing event such as divorce is, in my opinion, often due to the fact that children are generally resourceful and adaptable, and not as much due to exceptional co-parenting.

For many parents, getting out of bed in the morning is hard enough after a divorce. Add to that the economic changes that often follow and one can see why children so often have to pay a price.

Although the stigma surrounding divorce is decreasing as divorce has become more normalized, the changes that come with parental divorce still generate pain asking children to develop complex skills in order to cope and to heal efficiently enough to move forward.

Unless we take a preventative approach to children and divorce and unless we listen to and learn from the adults who have experienced the transition, the scars will not heal, however.

If you’re interested in reading my full meta-analysis, with all supporting data please contact me at [email protected], and I’ll be happy to email you a copy.