I Quit Using Cannabis Because It Became Like a Toxic Relationship

A few red flags to watch out for

Several months ago, I decided to quit cannabis (specifically edibles) after having used it on a regular basis since the start of the pandemic. Over this time period, I gained a lot of useful insights about myself and how I relate to others, which has had a very positive impact on my life. But last year, I went through some rough patches, and I started using it as a way to escape my problems. I felt like the experiences I was having with cannabis were becoming increasingly negative as a result. I eventually came to my senses and realized that it was a good time to quit.

In this article, I thought it would be fun to attempt to describe my past relationships with cannabis in the form of analogies, specifically to different types of relationships between couples. There are three major relationship categories that I came up with based on personal observation. I refer to these as shallow, abusive, and loving relationships. While most relationships will have all three of these characteristics to some degree, one of them usually predominates over the others. I’ve gone through all three types of these “relationships” with cannabis, as I’ll describe in the following sections.

One other thing I should mention before I get into it is that the title of this article is kind of misleading. It makes it sound like I have a physical relationship with the plant, but a better way to describe it is that it is a relationship with my unconscious mind. Cannabis is simply acting as the gateway between my conscious and unconscious mind, which is what establishes the “relationship” between the two. It is often recommended to set an intention before using certain drugs, such as psychedelics, because it can influence the direction of the experience. What you put out and seek from your relationship with your unconscious mind will reflect what it gives back to your conscious mind, as I’ll describe here. It is actually very similar in some ways to a person-to-person relationship. Now let’s get into it.

1. The Shallow Relationship

This is probably the most common of the three relationship types, at least in the United States, as it is a very materialistic society. This type of relationship is characterized mainly by escapism and pleasure-seeking behavior. A constant flow of dopamine is necessary to keep this type of relationship going. Dopamine hits can come in the form of lustful sex, excessive gifts, money, and superficial compliments. There is a strong emphasis on physical and material things in this type of relationship, and there are usually high expectations that need to be constantly exceeded. More often than not, the people involved in this type of relationship are unhappy on some level with their lives (whether they are conscious of it or not) so a consistent source of pleasure can provide them an escape from their unhappiness. But once the constant flow of dopamine starts to wear off after a couple weeks, months, or years (think of the tolerance effect), these relationships usually die as they become impossible to sustain, mainly because the two people don’t actually have a strong enough love connection for each other, and the expectations only continue to grow over time.

There were several times where I’ve felt that my relationship with cannabis has been “shallow”, particularly when I was going through a stressful period in my life. During these periods, I would use cannabis as a way to escape reality. Cannabis can lead to a dopamine rush and feelings of euphoria. When your intention is to experience euphoria with cannabis, you’re unconscious mind will help you find it very easily. I would not call marijuana a strongly addictive drug, but it can be if your relationship with it is “shallow”. I found that during these periods, I would use it several times a week instead of once a week or less when my relationship was “loving”. Cannabis would be on my mind constantly. I would often be asking myself, “I am so bored right now, when can I use it next?” Sure a euphoric experience with cannabis can be a fun source of temporary pleasure, but I almost never felt great the next day. Usually there would be some feeling of regret because I felt like a lot of time was wasted instead of being used for something more productive, like socializing or writing. I would also get a lot of random thoughts from my unconscious mind that were bizarre yet intriguing. Almost all of these thoughts turned out to be meaningless garbage when I went through them the next day. I would especially notice the effects of tolerance during “shallow” phases. The more I used it, the larger the dose I needed to attain a similar level of euphoria. And the more frequently I used it, the less happy I was when I wasn’t using it.

2. The Abusive Relationship

The best way to describe this type of relationship is that it involves a struggle for power and is driven by fear. Usually one person is more dominant and the other is more submissive, but not always. In some relationships where the power levels are mostly even, the dominant and submissive person can switch roles frequently. Fear is used by the dominant person as a ways to control the more submissive person. Some form of psychological manipulation is almost always involved. The dominant person knows how to make the submissive person feel like they need them in order to get by. This is a truly messed up relationship. Both people are driven by fear but it just takes different forms. The dominant person has a fear of losing control while the more submissive person suffers from a fear of rejection. It is almost impossible to feel a true mutual love and trust in this relationship because of the strong power dynamics involved. But there is a high level of co-dependency which can give the illusion of love and trust. Unfortunately, these relationships can last a fairly long time because both people are usually afraid of breaking apart. Sadly, it often takes a tragic or violent event to break apart this type of relationship.

The worst points of my cannabis usage were periods where I felt like the relationship I had with it was “abusive”. Like an abusive relationship, the key ingredient was fear. This manifested in the form of paranoid thoughts and ideas. In the altered state, many thoughts would come to my mind that would make me question my past decisions, my trust in other people, and whether life was “out to get me”. Strangely, my unconscious mind would often trick me into thinking the paranoia was a good thing. I needed to keep using cannabis because it made me aware of the things that could go wrong in my life or of people who could betray me. I needed the knowledge to protect myself from harm. But constant exposure to the paranoid thoughts would seep into my life when I was sober and make me more fearful overall. Luckily, I recognized this danger and got out of the relationship.

3. The Loving Relationship

This is the type of relationship everyone truly wants, whether they are conscious of it or not. A truly loving relationship is not built upon material things, a means of escape, shallow expectations, power dynamics, manipulation, or fear. Instead, it is built on honesty, a mutual trust for each other, and a captivation of each other’s soul. Both people have a strong interest in connecting with their partner on a deeper level and growing together spiritually. Because of the high levels of mutual trust that are needed, both feel comfortable opening up about insecurities that they feel are holding them back in life. The reason they feel comfortable opening up is because, in their back of their mind, they know that their partner would never use their insecurities against them as a way to manipulate them. They are both on one team, so when one person succeeds, both succeed. The relationship is relaxing, much more so than the other two types. But it can also be a lot of fun. The only requirement is really to maintain complete trust in each other, which can be easier said than done. Mutual trust cannot come through force or trickery, it must come naturally. This type of relationship is becoming a rare one in today’s society, as we are a very materialistic culture, so the shallow relationship type usually predominates. But when two people are lucky enough to find themselves in this type of relationship, it can last a lifetime.

The periods where my relationship with cannabis was “loving” were also the most rewarding. My experiences during these periods involved deep introspection and a connection with my feelings. Often, I would become aware of certain fears and traumas I had, but instead of my unconscious mind working against me like it would in the “abusive” phase, in the “loving” phase it would help me in working through and processing these fears and traumas. It was very therapeutic and I learned so much about myself and how I relate to others. I had a deep trust that whatever issues or problems came up, my unconscious mind would help me find a positive solution to resolve them. It also gave me a countless number of new insights about life in general, many of which I’m still incorporating into the articles I write. I also treated the trip more like a sacred experience than a drug of abuse during my “loving” phase with cannabis, as opposed with my “shallow” phase. I would typically only limit my cannabis usage to once a week or less and would dedicate the time to introspection and relaxation. I felt like my relationships with myself and others were much healthier during this period.

Thoughts on Relationships

Ok, I originally intended this article to mainly be about my relationship with myself and cannabis but it ended up turning into a hybrid of that and relationship types. I will discuss human relationship types a little further as I think there is more to be said. Feel free to skip to the next section if you want to get back to the cannabis discussion. One thing I should highlight again is that I think all relationships have at least a little of all three of these qualities. It is almost impossible not to unless both people are extremely self aware and have done a lot of inner work on themselves. The important thing to keep in mind, though, is that if you want the relationship to succeed long-term, you must aim to have a mainly loving relationship with the other person, and they must reciprocate that intention. The fact that love and trust are essential to this type of relationship can only bring people closer together over time. There is nothing divisive or destabilizing about it as long as it is unconditional. However, shallow and abusive relationships are destabilizing over time, but for different reasons.

In the case of shallow relationships, the condition that is required is that each person is expected to provide the other person with a constant source of dopamine or distraction so that they can escape their life problems instead of facing them. Bad events and traumas build up over time, but a shallow relationship can help bury these problems so that the couple doesn’t have to go through the pain of working through them. Escapism is seen as a temporary easy fix, which reflects how our current culture tells us to address pain. But unaddressed traumas leave unconscious scars and resentment that will seep into the relationship in different forms as time goes on. Also, the constant dopamine hits needed for this relationship to function leads to an unsustainable addiction, and when the dopamine dries up it can cause painful withdrawals, leading to the inevitable breakup.

Abusive relationships are destabilizing in a different type of way. They directly attack the mutual trust that the couple shares with each other, forming a power dynamic in its place where one person (or both) essentially tries to gain autonomy over the other. Manipulation and fear are central to this type of relationship. This makes true love and trust impossible, as either one or both people places the satisfaction of their own ego over the well-being of their partner. I would be astonished if there is any couple out there that has gone back to a loving relationship once this type of relationship has taken control. Both people would need to work together as a team and see each other as equals, and I just don’t see how this can be accomplished if the relationship is already built around power dynamics and ego satisfaction. And no, I don’t think that fights are good for a healthy relationship, even though our culture may suggest otherwise. There are better ways to communicate frustrations about a relationship than through fighting, which essentially functions as a form of emotional manipulation.

Like I mentioned before, virtually every relationship will have all three qualities mixed in. But each couple will have a unique tolerance for how much shallowness or abuse they can tolerate before it becomes destabilizing and makes a loving relationship impossible to sustain. Some might be able to tolerate say 20% of both types combined; others more and others less. But once the loving relationship takes a backseat, it is extremely difficult to reclaim. This explains the high divorce rates, number of unhappy couples, and the number of couples that need couples therapy to continue on. These relationships may have started out as loving, but over time a shallow or abusive relationship was chosen to replace the loving relationship.

I should also mention that these points don’t only apply to romantic relationships, either. Friendships, and any other type of relationship for that matter, can also be classified as shallow, abusive, and loving. The main ideas behind each share substantial overlap with romantic relationships, minus some obvious differences.

Why I Quit Cannabis

I’ve had a lot of experience with cannabis, but I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. I have positive and negative opinions. I’ve definitely had many great insights from my experiences when my relationship with my unconscious mind was “loving”. But I would notice that when I went through rough periods in my life, my discipline would slip, and my relationship would transition into “shallow” and “abusive”. This is precisely why I quit. At the time of quitting, my relationship with it was purely “shallow” and “abusive”, to the point where it was impossible for it to be any bit “loving”. It was analogous to a Fifty Shades of Grey type of relationship. I don’t blame the drug, though. I blame myself and my mental state. If I had more self-love and better discipline at the time, I think I could have maintained a “loving” relationship during the rough period.

I think I am lucky in the fact that I had a bad relationship with marijuana as opposed to a harder drug. It was difficult quitting, but I never felt like I was physically dependent on it. It was more of a psychological dependence. The first week was the hardest, but after that it got much easier. I think I will eventually go back to using cannabis again knowing what I know now. But next time, I want to focus on having a strictly “loving” relationship with it (“it” being my unconscious mind). Now I know that it will take high levels of discipline, trust, and self-love to maintain this type of relationship.

I don’t think that these analogies apply to just cannabis. They can apply to any type of drug that one has a relationship with, even something seemingly innocuous like caffeine. I think a key idea to recognizing whether your relationship with a drug is unhealthy is that you need to be honest with yourself. Is your relationship a purely “loving” relationship or are there “shallow” or “abusive” qualities mixed in? If these bad qualities aren’t constantly tended to, they can quickly turn a healthy relationship into a toxic one.