Healing

I Quit this Side Hustle

And so can you

Personalities are like rainbows — they fall on a spectrum.

Mine is on the bubbly side with rays of empathy.

When you’re engaging and open-hearted, there’s a tendency for the world to see you — whether consciously or not — as a psychological validation source.

There’s a fine but distinct line between empathy and enabling, caring and co-dependency.

The Unspoken Side Hustle

With inflation and our current economy, it’s no wonder that the phrase side hustle is ubiquitous in our world. We associate side hustles with making some extra cash.

But there’s another kind of side hustle that we can fall prey to if we aren’t careful: emotional side hustles.

Emotional side hustles are giving energy to experiences that don’t serve either party.

A big emotional side hustle for me was validating. I was like an emotional parking attendant, my verbal approval serving others for their temporary fix.

The validation hustle went both ways: I needed my emotional stamp card met as much (if not more) as they did.

The prefix VAL means strong and of value.

When we seek validation we are searching externally for proof that something is correct.

Look, life isn’t an Oreo cookie — things aren’t black and white. There’s ample shades of gray. There are and will be times when we second guess ourselves.

But like the rainbow of personalities, there’s a spectrum on validation. Needing validation or finding yourself in a position to give it as a side hustle isn’t healthy for anyone.

Hungering for external validation is a craving that can never be satisfied.

People’s Behavior Tells Us Everything

The other day, a friend tested me that she wanted to sell her house, but that the economy was going to make it hard.

“Biden is to blame for our economy. Right? I’d be selling my house yesterday if it weren’t for that man. Am I right or am I right?”

My political opinions were irrelevant. She wanted to hear what she wanted to hear: that she was right to blame Biden, that she was right to believe the housing market wasn’t robust because of the current President of the United States.

Years ago, I would have contorted my verbiage to please her — regardless of what my personal politics were.

But I quit my validation side hustle.

“I don’t talk about politics.”

An awkward silence followed. I felt the familiar pull to fill the silence with the verbal validation she was hankering for.

But I didn’t give in! I allowed the tense silence to unfold between us.

Finally, she broke the pregnant pause with four words that felt like the emotional equivalent of a toddler stomping her feet:

“I have to go.”

We spoke a good week later, her tone cooler than usual. But she didn’t bring up politics!

There is no requirement in this life to provide validation for another.

My friend is entitled to believe what she likes about who is responsible for the American economy — or any other economy for that matter. She is entitled to vote for who she likes; she is entitled to have opinions about people, places, and things.

But we don’t need to contort our perceptions, our values, our beliefs in order to meet another’s need for validation.

The best validation in the world comes from within. You don’t have to prove that what you do or think or feel is accurate. Your inner compass is there to guide you — always.

When we consider psychological validation as a side hustle, we discover there’s an energy — a form of currency in and of itself — we’re spending.

Imagine what that energy could be used for instead.

A shoutout to the brave David Gerken who offers tools to deal with painful emotions: