Quit a Job I Liked — A Slow Brew Story

My first words to my new manager went: “ Umm, this is going to sound weird, but I want to resign”. I had been in my job for around 7 years now and liked my work, had nice colleagues, was proud of the company I work for, and the new boss seemed to be cool. And yet here I am, writing this article on my last working day.

This is not a story with slamming doors or passionate speeches; nevertheless, walk with me, for this is a slow brew story about taking the first step towards crafting a life I like.

The ‘manufactured’ Epiphany

I suspect it all started with the accident. We were driving to a work meeting on a highway and a pickup truck slammed into us, our car flew up in the air, hit another car, and crashed into the side rails — real Hollywood style. No major injuries, but it took around three years of physiotherapy to recover. Having epiphanies after near-death experiences seems to be common, and I waited for mine to arrive. But it didn’t :/. So I decided to ‘create’ my own epiphany through self-reflection. Somewhere in all the physiotherapy trips, this voice within me started to say,

“Something is missing at work.”

Like any sane person, my first response was to give myself a ‘you have a good job’ pep-talk or ‘everyone feels like this’ and do nothing.

Wandering in the valley of indecision

Life continued, as it does :). And I learned new things (belly dancing, calligraphy, painting, yoga, Dutch, Spanish), made lots of art, ran art fundraisers and struggled with things like learning to drive, backaches, everyday sadness … and that voice continued chirping…

Over time, the voice turned into this constant feeling of restlessness. I thought I need to ‘take it easy’ to feel at peace, so I started working one day less. After a few months of part-time working, I found myself talking to close ones about possibly quitting and starting on my own as a freelancer. Of course, there were questions! “Why quit this job? Why a business? Why not another job?” I would get nervous answering them but would also get glimpses into what I might be looking for — more diversity in projects or domains, trying new and different kinds of work, owning my time, flexibility… All great stuff! But no clear way ahead. And this feeling of being ‘stuck’ in indecision was constantly gnawing on me, making me even more restless. Until I started to meditate and in January of this year, I told myself,

“If you haven’t quit so far, there must be a reason, so listen to yourself. If you don’t quit, that’s okay too.”

Phew! Such a relief. (I guess the Headspace subscription is worth it ;)).

Finally!

Once the pressure to decide was off, my mind cleared up; I looked at my fears — What if I end up penniless? Is this irresponsible? A stupid idea? Am I not too lazy to run a business? What if I fail? What if I don’t like it?

But strangely enough, it was also a fear that helped me make a decision. The fear that I might become bitter in life if I don’t listen to my heart.

I had this argument with my partner:

Me: “If you were working, I could go on and try something else” Him: “Don’t worry about me, go ahead and do what you need to do, we have enough saved for a few months.”

This argument freed me from the need to sacrifice my desires for practical reasons and just like that, after all this time, this idea of quitting my job became real. I started to think about the savings needed (~5–6 months), the notice period(~2.5 months) …

Since this decision had taken so long, it took me practice to say it out loud at work. In the middle of a conversation with a colleague, I said suddenly ‘I think I am going to resign.’ He continued talking but later was like ‘ That was a shock!’. ‘I am practicing’, I told him.

The Beginning of an adventure

Something in me has been freed and is slowly unraveling. I am more open to meeting new people, to asking for help from friends and family, and am trying new things, e.g. taking a fiction writing workshop, joining a Sustainability Hackathon, attending a workshop on making perfumes from armpits, socks and underwear, and writing stories:)!

A lot of details still need to be figured out — what do I want my days to look like, what kind of business do I want to grow into, the visa details of my partner …

Over the past decade, I moved between four countries and disciplines but always knew my next steps. This living with uncertainty and making peace with my fears is new. Meditation, making art, writing, and reading — especially reading encouraging stories* help a lot.

No idea where this journey leads me but am open to finding out and hopefully sharing it here.

There are moments of freaking out and moments of grace. I don’t have any evidence that this works or that it doesn’t, all I have right now for you is that “It feels right” and that seems to be enough for now. Wish me luck :).

* It has taken me at least 3 years or more to reach this first step. Thank you to all the generous souls who shared their stories, and inspired, soothed, and challenged me: Family, friends, Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Big Magic,’ Tama Kieves’s ‘This time I dance’, Dr. Viktor Frankl …