I quit my depression meds, and here’s what happened.

Back in June of this year, I was listening to a famous podcaster tell her amazing story about quitting her depression meds. She wanted to see if she could live a good life without them. Her story had a positive ending and turned out she probably could have quit her medication long before. Her life improved. I am always up to try new things and after hearing her story, to think I could potentially live without taking my own depression meds was a thrilling thought. It just so happens that at the time I heard this woman’s story in June, I was in a good place. I had a community of supporting friendships, marriage was going well, family life with my kids was awesome. We had just moved to a new house in a quiet neighborhood. I was eating more balanced and exercising daily. Going to church, praying more. Basically having better habits. Could I get off medication and sustain all the good things I had going on?

I made a doctor’s appointment asap. At the appointment, my doctor agreed that not only was I in a good place, but that it was a good time to wean off Zoloft since it was summer time (which apparently is always the best time to get off meds under supervision). Tapering off my daily Zoloft regimen with my doctor’s orders was a process that would take around 8 weeks, and just like that my journey to being med-free began.

As I decreased the dosage every 7 days, the process was harder on me than I expected, which was disappointing. I like things that come easily, and this was painful. If you’ve never experienced the slow withdrawal of medication like this, I can personally describe it as feeling dizzy, almost vertigo, and the minute-by-minute inner feeling in my arms, legs and face of being constantly zapped by lightning/being electrocuted. Apparently this is a common experience because of the amount of the drug leaving the blood stream. Even with the slow tapering off, it is pretty harsh physiologically. I knew this drill was going to be difficult. I kept up my spirits the best I could, leaning into my spouse and friends, hoping that once I was completely off the medication, I would feel like a new woman and would never have to rely on pills again.

About 2 weeks until I was off the Zoloft, it started to happen. All of the dreaded things that used to happen before I was ever on medication. Things I dealt with for years that hindered my life in almost every area.

The best way to describe it is a constant feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin. My skin crawled. I was shaky all day long. I felt like anyone or anything that disturbed me could set me off. I would have the urge to throw something across the room, to see something break in order to feel relief, to hit or punch a wall or kick a chair, anything to get out that urge. I know that sounds crazy, but for me it was such a normal feeling that I’d always had in my 20s. This may have been attributed partly to ADHD (though I am not officially diagnosed) along with depression and PTSD from childhood trauma.

I wanted to crawl up into a ball on my bed for entire days and interact with no one. I wanted to hear nothing, not one noise. Any noise, loud or small, physically hurt my head and my face. My husband would come in a talk to me as I would lay in bed, and I was angry at him for just speaking words. And furthermore, I had trouble understanding actual words from anyone. My kids laughter from another room was beyond disturbing to me physically. I was also upset at my dog for just wanting attention from me. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. My mind could never settle, and the agitation was unbearable. I felt deeply lonely, which was probably the worst thing of all for me, because in reality I was loved. I just couldn’t see it.

I tried to read my Bible. I longed for some peace and joy from my Bible, but I could not read one sentence without getting distracted. It took me half an hour to get through just one chapter, pushing myself hard. Trying to understand the context and the words was like pushing a train car. It was impossible. My brain felt fuzzy. Sheer rage and panic struck when I would try to do my reading or my morning routine. “I can’t live like this, I’d rather die,” I thought. I kept pushing forward, knowing I was almost completely done with the meds, believing things were about to get back to normal.

Then, the day came when I was completely off Zoloft. I was anticipating I would begin feeling better very soon. I had to! I did all of this work to get off of medication! But it didn’t get better. A new experience formed for me: a state in which I couldn’t stop crying. In hindsight, I know that I was mourning. While it’s true that I couldn’t stop crying because my brain not working right, there was another more prominent reason. After spending all those early years living with depression BEFORE ever starting Zoloft, I had never known how amazing life would become AFTER getting life together with a fully-functioning mind with medication. Before meds, depression and PTSD affected every relationship and my life was just broken because of the mental state I was in. When I was heavily in therapy at the end of my 20s, I took the chance and began a Zoloft regimen based on a trusted counselor’s recommendation, and almost immediately everything turned around. For the past 8 years, I have been able to do things I never thought possible. I could hold down a job long-term, try new things, be a good friend, marriage partner and mother. I could read 5 chapters of my Bible in 30 minutes with great understanding. I could handle my kids’ laughter and screaming for entire days. For someone like me, medication offered me a life of peace I’d never known.

And that is the reason I was crying non-stop after getting off the meds, because attempting to have this same life without Zoloft is what I wanted more than anything. I wanted to have this same normalcy without relying on medication. I think most people want that, too.

Some people get off of their meds and experience success. Some people don’t. I cried knowing that I was not one of those success stories. I was “broken” in my mind, be it genetics and/or the childhood trauma I endured. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m thankful for the people in my life who could remind me of that.

A mom-friend of mine happened stopped by my house during my crying phase. As she walked into the house, I didn’t even fake a smile, I just broke down in tears (again) and explained. She hugged me tight and told me she understood. She went through the same thing with a different medication for anxiety. I needed her encouragement that I wasn’t broken. That I needed some help from medication to be my real self. There wasn’t anything wrong with me.

My husband said the same thing in a different way: that I needed a cast for something that was broken, and that the medication was a cast that healed an injury and allowed me to bring out the personality traits that were already in me. He and I cried together during those few weeks I was off depression medication. I confided in him every day that I felt horrible and that I missed our relationship, the loving one I had with him when I was on my meds. And he confided in me, that he missed the “real” me too.

I had to be brave. The only way to describe getting back on medication was bravery, but I had to do it for me and everyone around me. I called my doctor and she was ready to put me back on Zoloft immediately, that I shouldn’t live feeling this way. I immediately felt like a new woman the day I started medication again. Things weren’t perfect, but I did wake up the very next morning feeling able to handle being in my own skin and ready to tackle the day.

That first week after I resumed Zoloft, I played with my children. We screamed and ran around the house playing tag. I playfully punched my husband’s arm and he chased me, too. I scratched my adorable puppy’s tummy for an hour! I wasn’t shaking and miserable in my skin. I felt able to handle life’s difficulties better and revel in life’s joys. And life got back to “normal” quickly, and wonderfully.

*This story is very personal, and I know not everyone has the same experience. Please leave a comment and let me know if you have ever been on depression medication. What’s your story? I’m here for you.

Xo,

Jessica

Originally published at extraordinarymomlife.com on February 22, 2019.