Tomorrow’s Technology Today!
I Programmed Alexa to Sound Like My Dead Grandfather
Now he can read me to sleep again
From the Associated Press:
“Amazon’s Alexa might soon replicate the voice of family members — even if they’re dead. The capability [. . .] would allow the virtual assistant to mimic the voice of a specific person based on a less than a minute of provided recording.”
We lost my grandfather a little while back. I searched in between the couch cushions a thousand times, but he wasn’t there.
He was an old man when he died. I never bother asking how old, but if I had to guess I’d say he was probably 116.
Before the nurses threw him in the dumpster behind the hospital, my grandfather recorded a farewell message for his family. Real heartfelt shit to bring a tear to your eye. Especially when he explained he was leaving all his money to some 22 year old named Jessica, who was not familiar to the family.
He even whispered the last few sentences in his native German, a secret love letter intended only for my grandmother’s ears.
Thanks to Amazon’s voice recognition technology, I was able to program that recording of my grandfather’s voice into Alexa. Now when I can’t sleep, I can ask my sweet old grandfather to read me a story the way he did when I was a little boy.
“Alexa, can Grandpa read me the Wizard of Oz?”
“Hello Oscar. It’s been a while. How come you never visit anymore?”
“I’d love to Grandpa but you wanted to be buried in Berlin. It’s a long way to go.”
“Oh I suppose. Well let’s see. Where did we leave off? Ah yes. I believe Dorothy was telling the Tin Man that she must return to the great mother country, and not because of any economic considerations. No, and again no: even if such a union were unimportant from an economic point of view; yes, even if it were harmful, it must nevertheless take place. One blood demands one Reich.”
“Are you sure this is the right story Grandpa? I don’t remember Dorothy saying anything about economic considerations.”
“Trust me. This is the Wizard of Oz. You probably just haven’t heard it in a while. Let’s skip ahead to the part where the Wizard tells Dorothy the secret to ruling over Oz.”
“Wait Dorothy didn’t want to rule over . . .”
“The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous. In consequence of these facts, all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.”
“You must be reading the wrong book Grandpa. I think I’m just going to smoke some pot and hope I pass out before I remember that everybody I’ve ever known is going to die some day. Like normal.”
“Wait here’s the best part: If, with the help of his Marxist creed, the Jew is victorious over other peoples of the world, his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity and . . .”
“Alexa, delete Grandpa please.”
Enjoyed yourself? Then read this Stupid:
