Weird Stories
I Play Escape Games Alone Because Everyone Else is Dumb
Unlock! The Formula (MINOR SPOILER)
Unlock! The Formula has a problem. Near the middle of the scenario, it’s possible that a particular wrong answer to a particular puzzle could lead to an unrelated card. According to the denizens of the BGG forums, it’s not uncommon to stumble on to this. When I encountered this glitch, it ruined the experience. The game felt broken.
If this had been a real life escape room, I don’t think I would have cared as much. I would have gladly taken advantage of the design flaw just to look like the smartest asshole in the room to my teammates. Of course, this is a purely conjectural scenario because I would never be caught dead in a real life escape room.
Last year I landed a contract gig with a swanky advertising firm. Near the gig’s end, which happened to be the week before Christmas, the manager booked a team outing to an escape room. We would have left work early and been done by 8-ish. When I saw the invite to the “meeting” in my inbox, I ignored it. When the manager asked me face-to-face, I told him I had prior commitments. I added that I was rarely available after work, in case he thought about moving it. To avoid what was already an awkward situation, I hid in the restroom around the time the team was due to leave.
Coworker outings are the pinnacle of awkward situations. I stopped trying to bond with coworkers years ago. I avoid company parties. I don’t go to lunch with coworkers unless it’s a team lunch and my absence would be noticed, or they’re kindred spirits who share my contempt for office work. I don’t tell anyone when my birthday is. I don’t even sow discontent among the entry-level kids and interns anymore. But as bad as company parties and team lunches are, going to an escape room with people from work would be the absolute worst. It would be a contrivance on top of a contrivance. And I despise contrivances. Besides, I’d probably tear through an escape room made for mundanes. That would ruin it for everyone. And I am notorious for ruining social gatherings.
The proliferation of escape rooms puts me in a bad position. Escape rooms are the hot new almost-cool-but-still-really-nerdy thing. I’ve already had to dodge three of these invites. I’m tempted to go and ruin the whole experience on purpose, just to burn that bridge for good. Besides, telling people, “it’s not your fault you’re dumber than dirt under a rock” is one of my favorite things. But in the end, it wouldn’t be worth the drama. Besides, when I found out that they don’t actually lock the door, any potential thrill evaporated.
So I resign myself to the tabletop variety. If I try another Unlock game, I plan on scanning the forums to make sure it’s not broken. As for The Formula, unless you’re looking to study the mechanics, don’t buy it.