DON’T BELIEVE THE MOVIES

I Painted a Fence and Still Got My Ass Kicked

Karate Kid was a lie

I binged Cobra Kai then went back and watched all the Karate Kid movies including the stupid ones that weren’t the first one. I had all the instructions I needed to be badass.

I waxed my car like it was the 1950s. I sanded the floor, even though it was linoleum. I painted our brick house, side to side, side to side. I bought chopsticks and waited for a fly to cross my path.

I was ready to take on the world as a honed muscle machine after I finished the Teriyaki Chicken. I needed an opportunity to take to one leg and crane the first MOFO I found not keeping socially distant. You know who you are.

I went grocery shopping and found who I was looking for. She was making a fuss at the cashier about her rights. She has a right to run away from my brand of whoop-ass. The rent-a-cops got to her first. She was lucky — this time.

I stopped at the gas station and I was the only one at the pumps. I kept up my training though and stood on one leg. I found some flies there but they were too interested in the garbage to cross me. Pussies — and ewww.

The flower shop people made me wait outside but everyone was wearing a mask and being all respectful-like. Frustrating. I couldn’t even find a fly. I did find a bumblebee in my flowers on the walk home.

Grabbing it with my fingers was a mistake then I felt bad about the environment for killing a bee. I can use mad though. Mad will make me fierce.

Finally, I found someone. She followed me around, taunting me. She got too close. I sat there with my head to the ground, plotting my tactical plan, she skipped away. She grabbed a shovel. Game on, bitch.

I picked up a piece of wood I found lying around and smashed it over my head. It was too pliable to make an impact and didn’t even snap in half. She skipped. I schemed. Finally, I struck.

When the police arrived at the scene, the sandbox was filled with blood. My blood. No one makes me bleed my own blood.

She ruled the sandbox that day and that shovel wasn’t plastic. She was on the swings crying, and a bunch of pansy parents cooed all around her. When she looked at me I didn’t see remorse, I saw a hint of a smile before she placed her hands at her chest and bowed. I heard her say, “arigatou gozaimashita.”

Oh, I’ll thank you alright. Once I’m out. For now, I’ll be scrubbing the floors, painting the bars, and dodging in the showers. I’ll be ready.