I Paid a Therapist To Understand Why My Dating Life Was a Shit Show!

If your romantic life is hell too, let me spare you the expense.

Ever heard of the concept of ‘negging’?

Best $100 I ever invested! Only one hour with the mental health specialist gave me perspective on four years of romantic struggles.

Over a thousand matches on dating apps resulting in only one (failed) relationship of three months, many horror stories and no current boyfriend. These statistics got me to severely question myself over the past years. My crippling fears hit a summit this year, as I was still single and on the verge of hitting 40.

What could be so wrong with me that I couldn’t keep a guy interested in seeing me for more than a few weeks?

I almost dropped my rock tunes and turned into a Swifty, because I resonated so highly when Taylor said, ‘it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me!’. Yet, the tune was off. I couldn’t be so bad! I’m educated, fairly kind, pretty funny, slightly smarter than the average, and kinda cute — even sexy, provided the right clothes and makeup.

My colleagues and friends have been praising me. My family too, for the most part. These are people who have been in my life for decades. I understand that it takes an entirely different skill set (and mindset!) to become someone’s girlfriend, but if the people who know me the most stuck around for so long, I believed I had some great human qualities… and thus I had potential to become someone’s official +1.

Yet, for years, I questioned myself deeply after each ‘breakup’.

*Note to my dear readers: mostly we weren’t in the relationship stage but I feel that casual dating has no proper term to designate the ending of it. If you have one please share it in the comments.

Sometimes, the abrupt ending would drove me into a depressive state. Yet, every time, I overcame the lousy feelings, found some lessons from the experience and worked on myself to give myself a better chance of succeeding with the next guy.

When in the same week, I accumulated one-too-many stop-and-go communications from someone I was head over heels for, the worst date of my life (in part because the dude’s confusing orders pissed off the whole restaurant crew and I have a feeling someone might have spit in my bagel), a sudden ghosting after weeks of written courtship and a Romeo who told me how amazing I was but how boring our date had been, I resorted to the big guns: Therapy!

After explanations, the mental health specialist asked me, ‘are you familiar with the concept of negging? I know you’re not from Canada, but this is unfortunately something pretty common here’.

Every day I learn a new word so I’m used to having the dictionary tab on a short finger-dial on my phone. I browsed as we spoke and discovered the definition of negging: “the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person” (source — like everything– Google!).

3…2…1… WOW — Mind blown! So that’s it. The low-key critics. The ‘I want you now’ followed by days of silence. The breakup excuses about aspects that were well-known from the start (like my age, location, background). I wasn’t responsible for the shit show… Canadian culture was!

I wish I could have had a few seconds to be in rage then, like the way passive-aggressive behavior fires me up. But my therapist was quick to add, ‘little boys start using this technique at the playground. By the time they reach adulthood, they aren’t even aware of what they are doing. It’s so deeply unconsciously ingrained that they don’t see the issue with this conduct’.

I immediately felt sorry for all the guys who gave me shit. I don’t excuse their behavior but I felt bad for them, being stuck in a toxic pattern they can’t even see.

Also, I felt an immediate relief. I could keep my self-confidence high. I’m a great person (at least according to my own book).

If someone calls me on my bullshit and it’s deserved, then I’m happy to work on it and improve. But if I notice that someone wants to belittle me to get fast lane access to my panties, then ‘move on, dawg!’

I’m glad I can continue singing out loud to the rock and pop-punk tunes of the Beaches, Demi Lovato, and Avril Lavigne. I take pride in being myself, all while adapting to my adopted culture and connecting with many Canadian natives. So, let me politely say:

‘I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna apologize for being my confident-ass self!’ 😉

And I hope, dear readers, that if you are amazing but someone else tries to make you feel any other way, you won’t allow it either.

If you’re vibing with this article, I encourage you to listen to this song I adore: FREAK, by Demi Lovato.

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…And, by the way, who is your favorite band? Let me know in the comments; I’m always eager to discover new artists. Music is my drug!