I no longer feel at home.

Since the virus has taken the whole world in its fist, fear and uncertainty have become our second home. We are continually being exposed to a new story every day.
Be it the deadly EEE, how every life matters, locusts damaging our lands, someone leaving the world, people losing jobs, or the surge in domestic violence. It is all so overwhelming. These unsettling times have made us realise plenty of things, causing us to question what makes us and what we could be.
As I sit on my bed, clearly violating my work-life balance, trying to be extra productive, having no fixed mealtimes, and also wanting to go out and find peace; the child me is always wondering.
Am I mentally exhausted? Or is it because everyone is suddenly talking about the same things that make me worry? Is my brain over-processing every word that comes my way? When we finally unmask, will it resurface our insecurities? Will we finally breathe a new-found air when we go back to our pre-pandemic lives? Will we go back to that life at all?

Confined within these walls is a heart that is continuously telling me to stay safe, and a mind that is wishing to fly away.
In a tug of war, the restless mind converses with the fragile heart. “We are so much more than the dubious thoughts that engulf us.”
I remember the last time I hugged a friend, shook hands with a colleague, visited a cafe and spent hours talking about ordinary things, things that are no longer ordinary. The time I drove around the city and stopped at a signal, flashed my travel card at the train station to go to work, made weekend plans and was happy coming home. I feel grateful to have been able to do all that. But, I no longer feel the same.
I have made peace with living two lives under one roof.
I take a break from any screen after every 30 minutes. It makes me stay fresh and active for a longer time.
I split my tasks into smaller chunks and try finishing it within a decided time frame.
I read now and then, be it a poem, an article or a book. I watch funny videos. I sing and record myself. I drink a lot of water.
I try channelling my emotions into anything that makes me happy.
I wear all kinds of masks, N95 masks, face masks, eye masks and hair masks.
Most of the times, I do nothing at all.
These things are pretty basic, which I was doing even before. The realisation of how these things helped me cope with day to day life came only later. I do get tired, distracted and frustrated, and I am thankful for having friends and family who help me get through each day. I am grateful I am still employed, I can enjoy good food, and I am healthy.

The world is full of hope, and every situation teaches us a good thing or two.
And once this ends (we all know it will), I want to experience and appreciate all that I took for granted.
I want to say one more thank-you, pass an extra smile, greet a stranger just one more time.
I want to let sand slip through the fingers and look at the sunset without fear.
I want to laugh with friends at a bar chugging beer.
I want to hug, and I want to cry, I want to feel free and touch the sky.
My heart is hopeful, it is kind, it is warm, and it knows things always get fine.






