I no longer date (f)alpha males
When I was at my most vulnerable I had a penchant for the (f)alpha male, one scalding wasn’t enough, I would only come to learn when life got real serious.
Ok, so a (f)alpha male isn’t a real thing; it’s the name I used to describe the kind of men I was dating at the time; before I knew or understood the concept of narcissism - A buzzword within society today.
Narcissism, a term being thrown around and applied to pretty much anyone and everything. That bugs me quite a bit, I don’t like the overuse of the term, which becomes a little difficult when I have family and ex-boyfriends who can only be put in that box.
I think when some behaviours border sociopathy, you kind of have to call a spade a spade.
Anyway, back to my (f)alpha’s… Fake alpha male was where I was going with this.
I would end up being courted by a man who was posing as a night in shining armor. They could smell the desperate, tender soul of a woman crushed under the weight of grief and loss; thinking bingo, I’ll have this one.
Through the fog of bereavement, having lost my mum; my best friend (who was subject to multiple phonecalls a day from yours truly thanks to cross country distance); I saw this caring, loving, hunk of strength and a shoulder. to snuggle into — Missing the dead behind the eyes.
It’s said that we tend to date what we learn of love from our parents while growing up.
I was doomed if that were the case.
My mum and dad, glued together by matrimony, didn’t share love between them from what I could see.
My dad was deeply alcoholic and spent most of his time being a noctural creature holed up in the living room surrounded by cans of white lightening while mum raised us, took care of the house and bills, later returning to work.
My dad was emotionally and financially abusive to boot, it was a little longer before seeing those behaviours come out in mum, when she later met the same demise as an alcoholic.
I didn’t see them hug or kiss; but I did see them try to strangle each other once.
I loved them both so dearly and they had so many wonderfully redeeming characteristics; they both loved my sister and I. Unfortunately addiction wins in this story and it took them both away before I hit 30.
I became a woman that decided to live life by playing opposites. Doing the opposite of what I thought my parents did. Little did I know that my subconscious was in the driving seat; veering carelessly towards other love damaged individuals.
I faced attempted baby-trappings twice, that was weird and totally not a thing that I thought happened. One of these ex-boyfriends later got with someone close to my heart when we broke up, which they both did to show me — seemingly because I went to University to get a Degree.
Wow.
What Is A (f)alpha then?
These guys would date me, learn an awful about me; what made me tick, what I loved and didn’t, would shower me with affection, until this feeling of love strengthened me back to my feet.
My self-sufficiency arrived and I remembered all the things I could accomplish after all that had gone before, I felt stronger and I was loved up, amazing.
They didn’t like this. I’m guessing it felt like rejection, I didn’t need them anymore, merely wanted them; loved them. This is not enough, apparently.
Then came the ghostings, the bullying.
One had been at work. He pushed me until I lost my job. The next had sent me malicious emails from a fake email address, which became so vehement I felt sure this person on the end of the emails was trying to push me to take my own life. Telling me that my mum and my gran deceased would be ashamed to have a daughter/grandaughter like me.
According the the agenda of the (f)alpha’s, I needed to be pushed to the ground, into it would be better if possible.
There was no protective alpha male about this behaviour; as an alpha male simply isn’t threatened if his queen has stature. It only strengthens their position as a couple. A (f)alpha male is one who likes to feel in control at any cost — A narcissist.
I held tightly onto the pain. Going over and over what I could have done differently, obsessively. Only when I finally got over them would I see that I’d moved on, I was ok. While they were still there in the background stalking my social media from different accounts for eternity.
A few years on and it would all change. I’d become a mother and deal with a few more hurdles, the difference being I had a beautiful little sidekick in tow. All of a sudden, the game changed.
It was no longer acceptable to play games with these types of hell-demons.
One day, someone on my social media would enlighten me to CPTSD, saying it was something they had been diagnosed with it sounded like that was what I was dealing with too.
It opened up a world of learning for me and with it answers to so many questions surrounding my self-worth. I began to understand boundaries; crying when I realized I didn’t know what boundaries were and that I didn’t have any.
I’m sorry guys, I’m not married with more babies. I haven’t got you a Disney end, but I am happy; which is ultimately much more important. I’ve dated, still seeing I’m drawn to the same types at time, yet I notice the red flags and get out.
Old me associated love with having to work hard to attain it; lots and lots of emotional pain, with passion and strong emotion chucked in, so as to leverage the torture side.
Have you any idea how empowering it feels to have a failed date and see it as a win?!
Amazing, is the answer. My healing journey has led me to grow into myself as a woman and a mother; and for the first time in my adult life I see that I’m actually worthy of love, happiness, and an un-weird, fulfilling and balanced relationship.
The trick to fucking off the (f)alphas, the narcissists, is to heal and work on seeing strength in yourself; forgiveness and compassion, then to build on it. (f)alpha’s won’t go there and you’ll spot them right away anyway. Like the advice on stray dogs in Bali, you just cross the road.
