Marriage tips inspired by Mitch

I Need To Win The Battle Of The Toilet Lid

Please keep it open!

Ok, I fully admit I ripped off 🌬️Mitch’s title for this little story. I did change a few words, though, and imitation is the greatest form of flattery, right?

Mitch wrote a story a few weeks ago about the toilet lid war between himself and his wife. I was reminded of it last night after my own mishap with a toilet seat, courtesy of my husband.

Toilet humor isn’t really my style, but I’ve been stuck lately, so forgive me for having some fun at my husband’s expense. He doesn’t mind. Really.

My man is not good at keeping a house clean. He has piles of useless junk everywhere, and you can’t step into his garage without having something fall on your head.

But the one thing he is meticulous about is the toilet seat lid. He hates to walk into a bathroom and stare down the open maw of a toilet. Even if it’s clean.

Therefore, he always closes the lid on any toilet he uses, anywhere he goes.

Here’s the thing — I’ve had three children, including a set of twins. I pushed all three of those babies out of my body the old fashioned way, which is to say that my body has seen some shit, and it’s not always happy.

There came a time after the wonder of childbirth that a few of my internal organs thought it might be fun to live outside of my body, causing me no end of trouble.

It got so bad that when I went to the doctor to have my condition checked out, he turned to his nurse while peering between my legs and said, “Wow, you have got to come over here and see this! I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Just what you want to hear with your feet in those cold stirrups.

Anyhoo, the problem is called a prolapse, and is remarkably common in older women. It is also easily fixed with a surgical procedure involving staples and a gynecological version of super glue.

The surgery was successful, but it couldn’t calm one of the pesky legacies of labor and delivery. That is, when I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go.

As in, I can’t take even two additional seconds to lift a toilet lid.

I was reminded of Mitch’s story last night, after I woke up suddenly and realized that I had to sprint to the bathroom or risk an embarassing moment.

Not wanting to wake my husband or myself too much, I kept the lights off and my eyes closed. No problem; I knew the way.

I got to the toilet and sat down just in time, only to discover that the toilet lid was down and an accident was imminent.

So I screamed bloody murder and hurled a few not-so-nice words at my sleeping hubby.

I wanted him wide awake and aware of what he’d done. It was my version of shock therapy.

After I’d gotten back in bed, my husband apologized profusely and swore he’d never do it again. I even got a promise for a visit to my favorite Italian restaurant tonight.

It almost makes up for the fact that I missed my beauty rest and had to shower in the middle of the night. At least he brought me a warmed towel.

Gentlemen, keep peace in your marriage by leaving the toilet seat down and the lid up. I can honestly tell you I’m not the only woman on the planet with this problem. Have a heart, would you?

Here is Mitch’s story, if you want to read about another couple’s toilet war. He’s a funny guy.