I Need to Get Organized
In More Ways Than One
I feel like I may have developed ADHD.
I don’t know if that’s possible, though.
Or maybe I’m lazy.
I have gone through most of my life doing things that take no real thinking on my part. So, maybe I DID get lazy. In the back of my mind, I remember feeling the same way about school. When I had to work at something I didn’t understand, I would just… give up. It was easier than asking for help. I knew I wouldn’t get the help I needed, and it was always too much trouble for people to help me. (According to their body language, attitude, etc) So, instead of worrying, and stressing, and growing more depressed, I just avoided it. Gave up. Felt like a failure, but couldn’t show it. I put on my pollyanna face every day, just hoping someday I’d get it all figured out.
That never happened.
So… Here I am, going on 61. I’ve learned a lot, healed a lot, and realized a lot. I realized that Nobody has it figured out. Ever. Life is like that. If I hadn’t been avoidant, I’m certain I would have figured it out sooner. Healed. I think that’s subjective. I still have a ways to go, obviously, but I have made more progress in the past 3 years than I ever thought I could. But I want More. I get impatient sometimes. I feel like I’m running out of time, just when I’ve finally gotten a grasp on life. I think that’s my fear and avoidant nature trying to get me to give up, and take the easy way again. I have to pull myself out of it. Learned. I have learned I have a little bit of writing talent, that I could probably get better at, if I put more effort in. I learned that I have let fear of the unknown keep me from a comfortable, successful life. I could have done so much more than I did.
So now, where do I start? Which way should I go? I have so many choices going through my brain. I know I can’t go back to school to get degrees in Psychology. My last attempt cost me a lot. I had to take out a 1500 dollar student loan to get a computer, printer, and internet. I’m on an income driven loan payment program. My payments are zero. That loan is up to 15,000 dollars now. And climbing each year. There’s no way I can go back to school.
I could write more, start researching subjects to write about, like the reports I did in school. I’m all over the place in subject matter, though. Maybe I could write about 3 or 4 things simultaneously? My list of unfinished stories is getting pretty long, though. Maybe I could go back, and put some effort into finishing what I have… I have one I could tweak a little about my experiences with a young, then older Dr. Ingrid Rimland. Since starting that story, I’ve learned more about her, and that she has passed away.
I could try my hand at advocating for expanded mental health funding, although I will have to put some effort into learning how to get started. The same with trying to help survivors of abuse. My experiences are mostly with the mental and emotional abuse issues, because I wasn’t going to be a physically abused person. I don’t really know how to feel about that part of my life yet. My daughter says I’m a hero for defending myself, and in some way, I feel that. But damn. I feel so incredibly bad, because I don’t really, honestly know if my 1st husband’s alcohol and abuse issues could be fixed. He was only 21 when his life ended. He was so talented with musical instruments. Chances, and research tell me it would have only gotten worse, though. My 18 year old self still feels ashamed.
I could try advocating for kids. If kids were treasured, nurtured, taught, and loved enough, a lot of todays societal ills could be solved. I’m not talking about mollycoddling, before I hear that bs. If your parents taught you correctly, that feelings are good, mistakes are normal, money and status mean nothing compared to being an empathetic, honest person, and that everybody worries, maybe some of the meanness and greed would be gone.
I don’t know.
I also want to live. I want to go on road trips, see the US, have a companion I can love, laugh, and live with.
At almost 61, I don’t know if I have the time for all I want to do. But I’d better stop floating through this, and start putting in some effort.
