“I Miss You” Is Not The Same As “I’m Checking Up On You.”

Summary

The article reflects on the difference between "I miss you" and "I'm checking up on you," emphasizing the importance of considering the recipient's well-being in communication.

Abstract

The author, Ene Ijato, shares a personal experience of receiving a text saying "I miss you" after a period of silence, which prompts introspection about the nature of the relationship and the sender's intentions. While the message brings a momentary sense of longing, it also triggers discomfort due to the sender's apparent lack of consideration for the author's emotional state. The article suggests that a message like "I'm checking up on you" would have been more appropriate, as it prioritizes the receiver's well-being over the sender's desire for connection. The key message is that phrases like "I miss you" should be used with awareness of the recipient's current situation to avoid being self-centered and to convey genuine care.

Opinions

The author believes that "I miss you" can feel selfish and inconsiderate if not accompanied by concern for the recipient's well-being.
"I'm checking up on you" is seen as a warmer and kinder alternative that makes the author feel genuinely cared for.
The article implies that the context in which "I miss you" is said is crucial; without acknowledgment of the receiver's circumstances, it may come across as hollow.
The author values honesty and well-intentioned communication but stresses that such communication must also be empathetic and self-aware.
There is an underlying sentiment that expressions of longing should not overshadow the importance of checking in on someone's mental and emotional health.

Here’s Why This Matters

I am sitting on the bed I spent all of last night making a mess of because I could not ease my mind into sleep. With my phone in hand, I stare at the words “I miss you.” I received it as a text from the person I hoped would think of me.

I felt the quivers through my middle. It felt good to have my absence cause ache and longing, but I found myself questioning it.

Maybe it was the tiredness that hung heavy under my eyes and the rumpled mess of bedding that reminded me that I was struggling. I wasn’t okay and hadn’t been for a while. Or maybe it was the heavy stretch of silence before this message. A silence that had stretched on for weeks before it ended up as a buzz on my phone.

It felt like an interruption that did not happen for my sake, and that had no regard for the state of what it was interrupting.

Often enough, we ask ourselves simple questions about the people whom we have built connections with. These questions help us to make sense of the relationships we share and how they matter to us.

It mattered to me that the “I miss you.” text, however honest and well-intentioned did not feel selfish and inconsiderate. It mattered to me that my well-being be regarded before their desire for my presence.

This made a simple phrase famous for its romantic exploits land heavily on my chest. It choked me quietly in a way that made me want to swallow the parts of it I did not like, just so I could breathe.

So I asked myself what would have made me feel differently. What would have felt unselfish and made me feel loved beyond desire?

What words would I have wanted to wake up to?

“Hey, I’m checking up on you.”

It feels warmer and kinder. It makes me want to hold up myself fully and not hide behind external validation.

This is not to say that there’s no space for “I miss you.” But without clear concern for my well-being in this context, it lands empty.

Key Message: “I miss you” centers the feelings of the person sending the message. “I’m checking up on you.” centers the receiver. It is important to evaluate the context in which the former is sent so that it does not ignore the reality of the person receiving it.

Ene Ijato is a storyteller who lives in Nigeria. She enjoys using various creative mediums to tell stories and explore interesting topics.