I Made the Biggest Decision of My Life Yesterday: Marriage
You will find my approach bizarre. But it may help you make big decisions in your own life.
Marriage seemed like a bad joke as a kid.
“One partner for the rest of your life. What a disaster!”
This is how my family thought about marriage. Marriage wasn’t encouraged. The divorce rate is high, you know. There were so many detractors. Despite all the noise, I made the right decision for me.
Yesterday my partner and I visited a lake where my 104-year-old grandma used to hang out as a child. It had sentimental value, but zero instagram value. I didn’t care.
We walked around the lake together. The hardest part of the day was trying to find a would-be photographer to capture the moment. I was content with the fact no proper candidate would be found. But I wanted to try for her. Our families couldn’t be there so this was their way of being a part of the moment.
The first lap around the lake was nerve-racking. I couldn’t find anybody. On the second lap around the lake a man and his son appeared right next to the proposal spot. Something inside of me felt like he’d be “the one.” I left my partner by the lake and asked him if he could take a photo for me, without telling him what was about to happen. He replied, “Sure.”
Then I got down on one knee and without being asked he filmed and took photos of the moment. The good news is she said yes.
A mixed-race future
A close friend wanted to issue me a brief warning before the proposal.
“People are rising up against Chinese culture and their political leaders. Are you sure?”
My partner is Chinese. Yes I am sure.
I don’t choose a life partner based on where they are born. It’s not even a factor. Most people I know have parents born in two different locations. Some of those locations are 100 miles apart. Some of those locations are 7252 miles apart. I really don’t care. What I look for are the following:
- Morals
- Ability to take feedback
- Generosity
- Attraction
- A few shared interests
- A willingness to be charitable
- Similar goals in life
Make decisions based on who people are, not what postcode — or worse — what country they were born in.
The “No Wedding” Ceremony
There are corporate actors who play leading roles in meetings about nothing — mostly a tiresome topic called revenue. Even worse is acting out a happy day in front of a room full of people, calling it a wedding, and paying tens of thousands (or even hundreds of thousands) of dollars for it.
I don’t want my marriage to start with a huge debt. Why is it that every big life moment starts with debt? Debt makes you a slave. It forces you to work for money to pay it off, and if you don’t, you meet the bad side of your local bank.
I asked a few of my close friends who have recently got married or are about to get married. It seems I’m not alone in my thinking. Many of them are signing the marriage contract in front of their parental witnesses at a government office. Then, about a week later, a few of them are having a dinner to celebrate the change of status with friends.
A big wedding feels like a nightmare to me. I like to achieve many of my goals in quiet, peaceful serenity.
Going big and getting into debt is overrated. Dare to choose intimate over acting out big.
Opposites are the best
I used to look carefully at what women wrote in their dating profiles. I’d screen out any potential partner based on them liking different things to me. My former boss made me reconsider.
“Opposites are the best. Why are you trying to screen out things you’ll learn to love later on in life?”
So, my fiancé started out as a meat-eater who likes the outdoors. I started out as a vegetarian who likes the indoors. She is now vegan and likes sitting at home more to read books on the couch. I am now vegan (thanks to her) and spend weekends with her in the outdoors doing treacherous bush walks.
She started out thinking Bitcoin and Ethereum were a scam and wishing I’d shut up about the subject of crypto. Now she owns both assets and watches the finance news with me — and is a lot closer to financial freedom because she understands the monetary system and the delusion of supposed tiny annual inflation.
Your personal attributes blend with another persons over time. What you hate today is what you may love tomorrow. It’s not “the thing.” It’s the person you fall in love with, including all their quirks.
Take into account opposites when you make a big decision. Maybe you’ll learn to love what you think you hate. And when you do, you could be delighted.
After a big moment, not a lot changes
The lie is everything will change after a big moment. I’ve learned this is often not the case. My fiancé and I are the exact same people.
Day-to-day life is the same. We still treat our relationship like a work in progress. We do our best to be there for each other. Now we’re engaged, it’s more of the same. She makes me better. We both seek to do work that gives us meaning.
You can chase the big moments and hope they change your life. Or you can spend your time being around people who make you better, and looking for things that give you meaning.
You don’t get to be alive for very long. You may as well take a chance on a significant decision and see where it takes you, than focus on the downsides and never do anything at all.
*Changes status to engaged and gets back to work*