I‘m the Person I Used To Mute

How a lifelong Republican shifted to the left.

People’s political beliefs can change a lot in a short period of time. Here’s what it takes to talk through our differences.

Four years ago, I voted for Donald Trump. I had been a conservative for 30 years. I believed that the government was wasteful and felt that turning it over to a business person made a lot of sense. I had heard stories about Trump being a horrible human being but let’s face it, every Republican candidate was attacked, so I guess I assumed that A) The stories must not be true and B) If they were true then surely someone like Mr. Trump would at least have the sense to rely on a team of experts to help him make important decisions. Also, I was grieving the loss of my husband, Patrick, who was hit and killed while riding his bicycle in April 2016, and I just really didn’t care about politics in the midst of my grief.

Since 2016 the economy has been fine for me, a white, middle-class woman. But as time went by, I cringed every time my president did something embarrassing, such as tweeting that clean-up of Puerto Rico after a hurricane should be a community effort. Puerto Ricans “want everything done for them.” I sometimes wonder if it’s all a big conspiracy to get the next liberal elected. Really, I just think it’s his ego. I have other darker thoughts too, but my code of ethics prohibits me from giving that kind of opinion.

Trump is not the only reason I left my party. Training and practicing as a counselor have also changed my views. As I began counseling individuals with government-funded health coverage, I found that they weren’t always the people I expected to see. I came to recognize that I had a lot of bias toward those who are on government assistance: I was raised in a culture that believed hard work and determination are all you need to succeed. The United States was founded by immigrants who came here with little or nothing and worked hard to be successful. If they could do it, couldn’t any poor person do the same? I now know people who receive aid, and there are a variety of reasons why they are unable to work, including reliable transportation and child care. So, I’ve come to believe that I need to have more compassion. And maybe it’s going to take spending money to help get people out of poverty. My work as a counselor and also as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) have provided insight into social services. Although far from perfect, the government does provide much-needed services and funds.

I’ve spent a lot of time studying white privilege and trying to understand what it is like to be Black in America. Everything just fell into place, and I was horrified that I had gone through life and been so blind to the racism that still exists. As a result, I have felt compelled to speak out on every platform possible. I’ve tried not to be judgmental or confrontational, but when you are passionate about something, it’s easy to fall in that trap. I’ve asked myself why I feel so strongly about convincing my conservative friends and family that white privilege and implicit bias exist. The events of the past month have made it clear that something needs to change. And I feel that my friends and family are good people who are capable of understanding what terms like white privilege and implicit bias mean.

I am passive by nature and a peacemaker at heart. I’m not used to arguing on social media, but I feel that we all must raise our voices and elevate Black voices. What I find really ironic is that I am as annoyed with conservatives as I used to be with liberals. When I was conservative, some of my liberal friends were very outspoken, and I had to resort to muting a few of them. And now, I am probably saying some of the same things and annoying even more people! I have become the person I used to mute!

Here is what I have noticed:

• Both sides are stubborn.
• Both sides only appear to be interested in hearing viewpoints that they agree with.
• Emotions play a big role in reactions.
• No one changes their mind when they are attacked.

A few days ago, I inadvertently started a fairly heated discussion on one of my posts. The post was regarding a local discussion group I am forming to allow a place for a moderated discussion. I estimate that I have more conservative than liberal friends, and I am really hoping to get participation from both sides. However, my group is not completely impartial since I am trying to promote an understanding of white privilege and how it contributes to racism.

A conservative acquaintance, whom I will call Leona, began arguing with several liberal friends. After it started getting intense, Leona DM’d me to say it might be better if we talked over the phone or in person. I agreed, and yesterday we spoke on the phone for almost two hours. I don’t think either of us changed the other’s mind on any major issues, but we were able to find some common ground. I plan to spend more time talking to Leona because I feel it is important to listen to different viewpoints. And, I found out that we have more in common than we thought.

I don’t believe that we should try to stifle discussions on social media. I also don’t believe social media should be a forum for public arguments. In counseling, I have many different theoretical orientations to choose from. I am still finding my way, but I believe strongly in the humanistic, or person-centered approach that Carl Rogers helped found. A big part of that approach is having unconditional positive regard for my clients. The quote below explains why this is so important.

“The kind of caring that the client-centered therapist desires to achieve is a gullible caring, in which clients are accepted as they say they are, not with a lurking suspicion in the therapist’s mind that they may, in fact, be otherwise. This attitude is not stupidity on the therapist’s part; it is the kind of attitude that is most likely to lead to trust…” — Carl R. Rogers

I’ll admit that it is not always easy. I don’t always have an immediate connection or feel empathy, but it is possible to develop it over time. My clinical supervisor sometimes questions my connection and jokes that I like everybody. He has also pointed out that certain clients need to be challenged, and I agree wholeheartedly. However, I feel that if they know, I am on their side, I am more successful in getting them to recognize the issues they need to work through.

My conversation with Leona made me realize that I am probably doing this all wrong. Rather than challenge people, or force my opinions on them, would it be more productive to assume positive intent and approach them with unconditional positive regard? There must be a reason we are friends, and I’m sure we have some common ground. I want to focus on what we have in common and listen to what they have to say. Maybe they will then be more open to listening to me? I will also try to have some of these conversations offline since it is so easy to misinterpret intent in a written post. Above all, I will resist the urge to mute voices that make me uncomfortable and engage in civil conversation instead.