I Lost My Vowels in a Boating Accident

And I want them back!

The sea was angry that day.

My tiny boat went down, and with it all my vowels.

Fortunately, I knew Inspector Jacques Clouseau. And he owed me one.

So Jacques investigated and identified the vermin out who had ruthlessly stolen MY vowels.

And proven that the vowel thief had used them wantonly in the stuff she writes.

Turns out this person is none other than fellow ILLUMINATION writer R. Tsambounieri Talarantas.

Jacques discovered my vowels had washed up on a Greek beach while whats-her-name was writing whatever-it-is she writes.

Ever since she’s been using them like a Greek sailor drunk on Ouzo.

Yeah, like she doesn’t have enough vowels already! Geez, just in her name she uses more vowels than a hundred games of Scrabble!

I had my intern research this woman’s articles, and she squanders my vowels everywhere! This woman is shameless, making absolutely no effort to conceal the fact she has MY vowels.

I want them back!

I’m alredy rnng out vowels!

Dmn!! Fck! Jst rn t f vwls!

Nw vrythng wrt wll b wtht vwls nd nbdy wll rd. Ths s trvsty!! ntl ths s crrctd rg y t byctt thngs Grk — lvs, bklv, Th Dyssy. Vrythng!

9 days until the World Premiere of ZITHER!

Chapters (illustrated!) AND Radio Play Right Here On Illumination!