I Lost My Dad But He’s Always With Me When I Run

I keep him alive

I don’t have many photos with my dad.

I wish I did now but I hold on to the ones I have.

He never took part in being the center of attention with our family. He was always in the background — just as he wanted. He cared more about creating moments and memories.

Thief In The Night

Just over three years ago, my dad unexpectedly left my family and me stuck here scratching our heads and wondering what the hell happened. Grief and trauma seems to have an even stronger punch when it happens out of nowhere.

He had been sick for about a month — we thought COVID or the flu.

We finally received the most devastating news.

He had Acute Leukemia. He passed away in less than 24 hours after the diagnosis. My family and I were floored in a state of shock.

An interesting sensation took over me as I type this — it’s as if I can still feel the pain spread through my body — the same way I felt standing by his hospital bed. Grief is just as physical as mental.

My life and existence has never been the same. I’ve had up and down battles with drinking, depression, career hopping, loss of my identity, and losing touch with reality.

The life I once knew is gone. It’s a rebirth to pick up the pieces. You have to build something you didn’t ask to create.

Running Heals

The only time life seems to make any sense is when I go for a run — a hobby and interest my dad and I shared together.

Dad was a runner most of his life until he began having back problems in his 50’s. I didn’t begin to experience the joys of running until my mid 20’s.

As I got older, I ran less and less. When my dad passed, I made a triumphant return.

When I run, I am honoring my dad.

My grief and sorrow has progressively changed as time has continued to move along. I’ve healed in many ways but also have moments when it feels like it just happened and I don’t know how to navigate.

Sometimes I get exhausted always trying to maneuver through life after a heartbreak I would never wish upon my greatest enemy.

Things have changed so much - it’s inevitable.

Running Is The Best Teacher

Running sits me in my desk and explains to me what I need to do to learn.

It maps out a lesson — it is up to me to choose what I retain from it.

Showing me that life goes on and keeps moving. With each pounding step on the pavement or trail, I, too, continue to move. I must keep moving even without my rock and hero with me.

Running demonstrates me still having a reason to keep pushing and going forward.

Being motionless isn’t an option.

I long for one last bear hug with my dad but I know that isn’t going to happen so I have to settle for a run. His presence is there - I feel him. If this is all I have left of me and my dad, I will hold onto it eternally. I will run forever. Until my last breath.

I spend my missed time with my dad on a run. I talk to him a lot. I speak out loud like a madman. You might think I’m crazy if you walk or drive past me as I’m huffing, puffing and having a conversation with the wind.

One second I’m smiling, the next I’m bawling my eyes out.

New Life

I do my best to there for my mom with her transition to being a widow. She never asked for this but her strength and spirit inspires me every day.

Grief is different for all of us in my family. She had been with my dad since she was 18. Throughout the typical ups and downs of a relationship, they both taught me the lesson of not always thinking the grass is greener.

Instead, they chose to water their roots.

I think we all could do better in that department these days. We always look or the next best thing instead.

A Long Way To Run

The first winter my dad passed, I was sorting and organizing my office upstairs.

I found an old business binder of my dad’s and on one of the pages he wrote out some of his favorite songs.

Now, I am a firm believer in signs. I believe they are around us all of the time. I would rather have blind faith in things we can’t see or understand than assume there’s nothing to this life.

As I looked over the page, all of the songs were written in blue ink.

Except one.

As I squinted my eyes and looked closer, it was a song by Collective Soul.

The song is titled “Run”.

I immediately pulled my phone out and logged into my Spotify account and gave it a listen.

Chills and tears hit me in the gut.

A repetitive line in the song is “Have I got a long way to run?”

And that’s how I feel.

I’ve got a long way to run.

I love you, dad.

I know you still see me living my life out and doing all of the things you loved to do. Living with passion, reading, writing, staying active, following our favorite sports teams.

I never understood how similar we were until now.

Your words of wisdom I didn’t always want to hear echo in my ears a majority of the time now. I often hear your voice. You are gone but I am still here and must make the most of this life without you and pray we will meet again.

Someday, somewhere.

Until then, I’ll keep running. As long as I need to.