PAIN PLANTS THE SEEDS OF LIFE LESSONS

I Lost My Best Friend To Alcohol — Important Lessons Destroy the Stigma of Addiction

He died and I miss him, but I learned important life lessons that broke through the stigma of addiction that guarded my heart

It was late afternoon. A cold and dreary November 2020 kind of day. I was zoning out on the bus, waiting to depart — when my Facebook Messenger dinged.

Nothing could have prepared me for the message I received.

“Hello, Claire,”

“This is J’s Mom- I have some very sad news to pass on to you. J passed away this morning after having a heart attack while in the hospital. They tried for over an hour to revive him but were unsuccessful. I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. I am having a very hard time dealing with it. It is very difficult to accept. Thinking of you and praying for you.”

We have a lot going on in our lives. Life can be tough. Life can be unfair. Life can be downright cruel.

With so much to figure out and muddle through, I think people are just trying to cope as best as they can. Unfortunately, alcoholism and alcohol consumption are not uncommon.

The numbers are alarming.

According to the National Institute on Alcohol abuse and alcoholism, 85.6 percent of people have consumed alcohol and 54.9 percent have within the past month.

“According to the 2019 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), 85.6 percent of people ages 18 and older reported that they drank alcohol at some point in their lifetime, 69.5 percent reported that they drank in the past year, and 54.9 percent (59.1 percent of men in this age group and 51.0 percent of women in this age group) reported that they drank in the past month.”

Another emerging trend is called High-Intensity Drinking.

“High-intensity drinking is defined as consuming alcohol at levels that are two or more times the gender-specific binge drinking thresholds Compared with people who did not binge drink, people who drank alcohol at twice the gender-specific binge drinking thresholds were 70 times more likely to have an alcohol-related emergency department (ED) visit, and those who consumed alcohol at 3 times the gender-specific binge thresholds were 93 times more likely to have an alcohol-related ED visit.”

Binge drinking is deadly and its prevalence is high and on the rise. Binge drinking is how my friend died.

“In 2019, 25.8 percent of people ages 18 and older (29.7 percent of men in this age group and 22.2 percent of women in this age group) reported that they engaged in binge drinking in the past month,4 and 6.3 percent (8.3 percent of men in this age group and 4.5 percent of women in this age group) reported that they engaged in heavy alcohol use in the past month.”

My best friend J was an alcoholic. He was only 37 years old when he died. It broke my heart.

Slipping Away

J was also one of my very best friends. He was like the brother that I never had. We first met at a retail job in the mall and hit it off immediately. Eight years of friendship, one year of being roommates along with another friend, and thousands of text messages later, we had formed a powerful bond.

Though, what ended up being the final few years of his life — were filled with alcohol addiction, frequent hospital visits, severe health consequences, inner turmoil, and finally the devastation of family relationships and friendships.

Looking back, it all happened gradually. Slowly but surely, he began to slip away. J started drinking more often and more frequently.

At first, we would drink only on the weekends — then over time — two days a week became five.

J became deeply depressed and emotionally distant. It was tougher and tougher to get through to him.

By the time all three of us were a month from the end of our lease, J locked himself in his bedroom and would not come out. For four entire days. It was not until the faint smell of liquor permeated the air — that we realized exactly what was actually happening.

That was the first of many hospital trips, hospital admissions, and rehab programs.

I Follow Wherever You Go

Once our lease ended and I moved to my own apartment, I worried about J constantly. For weeks at a time, he would drink continuously, and during that time refused to answer any messages, phone calls, or knocks at the door.

I was stressed and frazzled with worry. Horrible thoughts would funnel through my mind about what might have happened to him.

At first, I would track him down. I knew J well, and it was not too difficult for me to find him.

Once I found him lying in a snowbank. Another time in a farmer’s field.

This went on for well over a year. Deep inside myself, I knew something had to change. There must be a better way.

The Struggle Within — A Vicious Cycle

Inside, I realized I felt terrible for not being able to help my friend, and it was slowly eating me alive.

A combination of guilt, stress, and questions.

Was I doing enough? Was I saying all the right things?

J and I had countless discussions about his plans for sobriety and his dream to become an addiction counselor to help others struggling with addiction. More than anything, and despite his own struggles, he wanted to help other people.

I recall vividly, just about ten months before he died, I begged and pleaded with him to stop drinking. I tried in vain to convince him to do things in a certain way or try this OTHER CERTAIN program instead.

In my mind, I was helping. But then I realized — that was actually my biggest mistake.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I couldn’t ruin my life to save his.

The best thing I could do for my friend was to be there for him to the best of my ability. And that is what I did.

Life Lessons

The biggest life lessons come from painful experiences.

It devastated me when he died. I felt such an overwhelming sense of sadness and guilt.

But J taught me a lot about myself and forced me to confront my own preconceived notions. I was raised in a fairly strict household, especially regarding drugs and alcohol. You just didn’t touch the stuff.

Because of this, I think I looked at addiction in a negative way, even if I did not consciously realize it.

As a weakness? Or a flaw? Addiction is none of those things at all.

Now, I know that addiction is actually pain in disguise. J was in pain.

Although I miss my best friend, I am forever grateful for the transformation he made in my heart.

Kindness, less judgment, empathy, and understanding are some of the few things that matter in the end. All any of us are doing, really, is the best we can with what we have. Sometimes people just need a little kindness and help along the way.

Perceptions of alcoholism and addiction can and should change. J taught me this, and I am forever grateful to him for that.

I love you and miss you, J. I am sorry the pain was too much for you.