I Like My Fellow Moms With An Edge

It’s Just Easier

When you announce to the world that you are expecting children, they start off by telling you what a wonderful experience it will be. Then, gradually they let secrets and advice slip: teething, feeding, bathing, sleep schedules, etc. They tell you that these will be the longest — but the best years of your life.

And, they are right. They are right about everything. They are those who have parented for some time already and they are full of advice. Listen to those who are willing to dispense parenting advice very closely for they are experienced and know what worked for them. Then, take it with a grain of salt — because every kid is different.

Moms tend to tell you about their successes. You will meet all kinds of mothers out there. Some of them you have known your entire life, but, their mom side may be very different from the woman you have always known. Welcoming a human and keeping them alive gives all parents a sense of power, a sense that we can accomplish anything we put our minds to. However, as we know, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

The power of motherhood sometimes creeps into their social skills. What they forget to tell you, when they dispense their wisdom and success stories, is that other moms are cliquey. All moms are just like you — and going through it. All moms have experienced some trial and error to get to those success stories.

No one wants to appear to be flailing, so many moms tend to put the good side out to appear to be at the top of their game at all times. Those are not my moms. They may not be yours either. That’s ok. You’ll find your people.

I remember meeting a woman at work for the first time many years ago. (We are very close now). In small talk it came out that I had an infant. She asked, “how old is he?” I replied, “9 months,” and she was off and running, “that’s amazing, he should be sitting up, pulling himself up, starting to crawl, eating solid foods…” As her voice trailed, I realized I was quickly walking away, probably muttering “don’t tell me what my child should be doing.”

This woman just loves children. But, this conversation was like something you’d have with your pediatrician. Scratch that. I believe it is only a conversation if two people are talking. I was running. And, I am not a runner. Over time, my feelings towards her softened. And, I found that I softened as she revealed her struggles.

Unfortunately, raising children means you need to be where the moms are. And, if you can’t beat them, join them. Sometimes other moms are downright judgy. Sometimes they only appear to be judgy as a defense mechanism to cover up for the fact that they are simply trying to keep it together and grow a human. Some cover this up with hyperactivity and others simply keep to themselves. Don’t try to read too far into this. Your people will reveal themselves.

When you are at the library or art classes or swim classes or drop off and pick up, pay attention to who you are with. Some will travel in unbreakable pairs and spend quite a bit of time whispering. Some will try too hard and some won’t try at all. Be yourself and your people will gravitate towards you.

Watch who takes the free snacks at the library and who switches out the free Goldfish for their organic Whole Foods ones. It’s not that they do it. There could be dietary restrictions that they have to follow for their particular small human. It’s how they do it… Do they thank the gifter anyway and explain their plight or do they scrunch up their nose and shake their head wordlessly?

Watch the moms at the park. Are they physically spotting their delicate human like a gymnastics coach as they push their limits…or are they consoling them when they fall and encouraging them to move on? You can’t learn unless you fail and those moms who don’t want to see their child fail also wouldn’t want you to see them make a mistake. And, would probably judge you for yours. These are not your people.

At school pick up, you will notice that mothers form small clusters. If the circle is closed, they are not accepting new members. If the circle is open, they may be taking in the sights. This could be to keep a watchful eye on their humans or it could be a hunting and gathering mission. Be the predator not the prey. School pick up is straight up National Geographic level cliquey.

Look for the kid who mutters “shit” when he falls, his mother may be your people. Listen for the moms who pull up listening to gangster rap. These moms do not give a flying fig what the moms in the closed circle think and they may be your people. Expose your feathers and your moms will flock to you. In case they don’t, bring a book. Don’t let them see you sweat. There will be other days.

After 19 years of parenting, I have found my moms. We are not perfect. In fact, I believe that is our strongest characteristic. We own our successes and our mistakes. We over share and enjoy an occasional glass of wine. We know that we are raising complete assholes but they are our complete assholes and, in the end, it is most important that those assholes are also good citizens. We have done a great job. And, I could not have done it without these people who accepted me into their circles or welcomed me into their tribes.

Your people will reveal themselves and it will all have been worth it.