I Lied To My Kid About My Bullet Vibrator

But it was for his benefit, I swear

There I was, getting some housework done. Suddenly, I heard my 12-year-old son calling for me from my office.

“Mom, I can’t turn this thing off,” he said.

Cautiously, I approached him to see what the thing was. Once I was in front of him, I saw that, sure enough, he had found my bullet vibrator…and he had turned it on.

What’s that?

Here’s the problem: I don’t have enough chargers so, to get the juice back into my vibrator, I plugged it into my laptop’s USB port. This particular vibrator has a special feature: when you use it, and while you are charging it, a bright pink light shines on and on and on...

I guess that’s what called my son’s attention.

So, he went there, unplugged it, and turned it on. Then, sensing he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing, he tried to kill it. It was no good. Eventually, he realized he needed to ask for help.

Yep.

It was the most curious thing. There I was, in the middle of my office, my son holding my bullet vibrator while it effectively vibrated away.

“I found this. I can’t turn it off,” he repeated.

First, I stared at him, not really sure of what he meant by “it.” And then, of course, I heard the buzzing, and saw the light, and…

“Oh!” was all I managed to reply. I walked to him, grabbed the vibrator, and turned it off. He was fascinated by the light and, of course, the vibration.

Then he asked The Question. I knew it was coming, but I was still not ready for it.

“What’s that for?”

Oh, f#$%…

Yes, my son wanted to know what that vibrating shiny thing was for. I can’t blame him. In his position, I would also have been quite curious about it. Sadly, I have to confess, I wasted this opportunity for an educational moment.

I know what I should have done: I should have sat with him and had The Talk about how should he decide in the future that he wants to have sex with a woman (or with many, but, please, don’t make me think about that), he must make sure she comes first and how this little toy can help reach that goal.

But I didn’t.

I blame the fact that I was in a hurry, that I didn’t have a speech prepared, and that I was holding back laughter.

Excuses, excuses…

The truth is that I’m nowhere ready to have that conversation. Me, the woman who has openly written about sex on more than one occasion, wasn’t ready for this talk…which is probably another excuse. We have had conversations on basic topics at an age-appropriate level, but no, we haven’t gone all the way.

So, I told him it was a massager.

This isn’t exactly a lie but is also disgustingly untrue. And also, I’m very happy I always clean my toys after using them.

I know I need to do better. I will. Just give me some time to google “how to talk to your 12-year-old about sex and vibrators.” I’m sure there’s a blogger somewhere who has addressed this topic.

There must be.

P.S: Dear people who are waiting for your kids to be older so things will start to get easier, I have one word for you:

LOL