I Know I’m Weird Because People Have Been Saying So My Whole Life

“You’re gone in the head!” they would mock as I stared like I was brain damaged

I’ve always known I was different. I know we are all a bit different, but I realised years ago that I was differenter.

At secondary school, I remember my classmates saying to me, “You’re gone in the head! You’re gone in the head!”

This was because I kept staring at them. That was often the part of my Asperger’s Syndrome that disturbed other people the most.

But I wasn’t staring to be aggressive. It was because I didn’t naturally have a feel for what other people might be experiencing. It’s like I would forget that they’re people and I’d study them like they were an inanimate object. I didn’t have a natural concept of how my staring would make them feel.

Or sometimes I would be staring into thin air because my mind had drifted off. Because often the inside of my own head was more interesting than whatever was going on around me.

But I did sometimes try to behave like a normal person.

Of course, mildly autistic people like me learn how to behave by copying others. But this can go wrong. We can end up applying strict behavioural rules that aren’t always appropriate.

And it can be a particular problem if we get in with the wrong crowd. Because some behaviour isn’t good to copy. We are also easy to manipulate. This is because we struggle to understand people’s hidden motivations.

And we have difficulty understanding whether people are joking or being serious. I’ve often taken jokes seriously or laughed in someone’s face when they were being serious.

And it’s confusing because there is often a grey area where a joke also has a serious point. Neurotypical people often use humour as a way of softening a serious message. But my brain doesn’t work like that. Either you’re having a laugh or you’re trying to tell me something.

When I want to tell someone something, I tell it straight. This can sometimes be a bit much for some people.

And I have an inappropriate silly sense of humour that not everyone appreciates.

Like when I used to tell work colleagues, “I’m not wearing any underpants today”, even though I was. Or when I would come back from the toilets and announce, “I’ve just emptied my bladder.”

It’s confusing for people. Because sometimes I’m being a weirdo on purpose to amuse myself and I don’t care what you think. But other times I’m accidentally being a weirdo because I don’t understand what’s going on.

Like when I was at primary school, aged about six.

The school had a “special needs” teacher. The children who had learning difficulties would regularly visit her for extra help. I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t have significant learning difficulties. I was just weird and in my own silly world.

So, one morning, our teacher said to us, “People on this table can go and visit Mrs Specialneedsteacher.”

I thought she meant everyone, so I went too. When I got there, she was surprised to see me because I’d never been to see her before.

She sat me down and got me to do various things — draw pictures and write words. But she soon realised I didn’t need to be there, so she sent me back to my regular teacher.

When I got back to my classroom, my teacher told me off. I had misunderstood. She’d only meant the children who normally visit Mrs Specialneedsteacher to go and visit her.

So, I wasn’t stupid enough to need to visit Mrs Specialneedsteacher. But I was stupid enough to visit her by mistake.

This is my whole life. I’m on somebody else’s roller coaster, wondering how the hell I got here.

Come join Medium and support me and thousands of other writers by signing up for a membership. It’s only $5 per month. You could also make money by writing too. The top writers can make $500+ per month. Sign up with this link, you’ll support me directly and it won’t cost you any extra. Thank you in advance.

Approved by Be Open’s Editors: A Shayens Abran & Priya Tandon