I Kissed a Frog, and I Liked It

A Modern Fairy Tale Retelling

It was not fun being the youngest of three sisters. Tricia and Lettie always looked at me as if I were the bug that marred the perfect landscapes of their lives. Whenever they’d bring their boyfriends home when I was still in middle school, I’d scrunch up my face on purpose just to make my sisters and their summer flings squirm a little as they tried to lounge and relax on the backyard patio.

“God, Lydia, you are such a little monster!” Tricia yelled once, throwing an outdoor throw pillow at me while I ducked out of the way and circled around the side of the house to the shallow pond that my sisters and I had once called our mermaid garden. My sisters had probably forgotten since their minds lately had been so filled with lingering thoughts of boys and make-up and ever-more revealing outfits to plan.

I was better off without them. If I stayed too close, I’d probably be struck with the boy-chasing disease too.

As I settled down by the edge of the pond — trying not to plan my next scheme to annoy my sisters — I saw something flash at the edge of my vision. I jumped, startled, and peered closer into the cattail brush to see if a bird had decided to pay me a visit.

What greeted me instead was the visage of a pale green frog that peered at me with beady eyes.

Any other normal girl might have shrieked and run away. But a grin tugged at my mouth as I began to concoct a more vicious plan than any that had preceded it.

Before the frog could hop away out of view, I dashed forward and grabbed it around its slimy belly. I tried not to think of how it squirmed in my grasp before I went scampering back up to where my sisters still sat with their boyfriends.

“I have a present for you!” I let out in a trill — right before flinging the frog right into their midst. It landed with a splat on Lettie’s lap, and — what do you know — she did let loose quite the admirable shriek.

The frog then proceeded to hop into Tricia’s lap, and more shrieking commenced.

“It’s just a freaking frog!” one of the boyfriends yelled, but the other one was up and gone before either of my sisters could recover. Then the other boy shook his head and also followed his friend.

The frog hopped away even as my sisters still screeched. But soon enough they realized the danger had passed — and their livid eyes turned to me.

“You’re going to pay, you little freak!” Tricia lunged for me, but I danced away and laughed till I felt my stomach might burst.

“Serves you right, serves you right!” I said in a sing-song voice as I ran from my recovering sisters who would probably need calming baths this evening just to get the memories of slime on their clothes out of their minds.

My cheeks still ached from laughter, but I finally stopped again at the edge of the pond where I had found the frog in the first place. I took a deep breath and grinned to myself, content with the chaos I had caused.

“Happy with yourself, are you?”

My head whipped around; I was so certain I had been alone. “Who said that?”

“Me, you idiot.”

And then I found myself meeting the same beady eyes of the frog I had just launched at my sisters.

This time, a shriek nearly built in my throat, but somehow I swallowed it down.

“I’m — I’m losing my mind!” I was babbling to myself. “Frogs can’t talk!”

“Well, this one can, silly girl.” The frog stared at me with eyes that were far too sentient. “You owe me a big favor for the indignity you just subjected me to.”

“I’m just a kid!” Now I was spouting nonsense. Soon, my sisters would find me, and then I’d be carted off to where they took all the people who got hooked on drugs early in life. I’d probably never see the inside of a high school.

The frog actually sighed at me. “Oh, grow up,” it said. “You can’t play the poor-me-I’m-a-child card whenever you want. You remind me of the witch who cursed me to be this way.”

Witch? Now I really had to be losing it. “Witches don’t exist,” I said, my words slow and tentative. Just like a child’s.

“In your world, maybe, but not so in mine. Witchery is a profession like any else, though it’s restricted in certain circles. If it were banished altogether, well, I probably would not be in this form in the first place.”

Stories of fairy tales past — things I heard at bedtime just years ago — bubbled at the edges of my brain. “Did a witch curse you because you rejected her?”

This time, the frog snorted at me. “Hardly. She actually rejected me — funny how that goes — and she got tired enough of me pining after her that she turned me into a frog and threw me out a portal. And that’s how I came to be in your pond.”

My curiosity was getting the better of me, so I squatted down and tucked my hands underneath me. “You must have been really annoying,” I said. A part of me had to admire that. I could probably learn a lot from this frog’s ways if it had been deemed a nuisance enough to be cursed.

Good thing my sisters didn’t know any magic. Then I would have been in worse shape.

“Yes, well, that’s where the favor comes in,” the frog said. “I need to be kissed.”

I stared at the frog for silent moments — until my face scrunched up in disgust. “Eww. No. Go find some other girl.”

I was about ready to straighten and leave, only for the frog to hop up and down frantically. “But that’s just it! I have no one else! And you just made a right fool of me back there. You owe me.”

No one cared about a frog’s feelings. Its indignity. But a part of me felt bad. I had picked up the frog and catapulted it at my sisters without a second thought. What if it had injured a leg? Or one of its webbed feet? At the very least I shouldn’t go lobbing living creatures at my sisters anymore.

I bit my lip.

“Just a kiss?” I asked, and the frog answered by hopping up and down more.

“Yes, yes, just a kiss! It’ll be over before you know it!”

“Well — all right then. But let’s make it quick. I have a show to watch at three.”

“I have no idea what that means, but go for it!”

I picked up the frog, sliminess and all, and stared into its emotionless eyes.

I sighed. In a few years, I’d probably regret this. Giving my first kiss to a frog? Eugh.

Before I could second-guess myself, I shut my eyes tight and laid a kiss atop its flat head.

What happened then — well, it was quite the sight.

With a poof of gray smoke and a stumble backward, a naked boy splashed into the pond.

This time, a shriek did fall out of my mouth. I was a girl with two sisters and a mother. I hadn’t even ever seen my dad naked! And I was only thirteen!

Who would marry me now?

But before I could worry about all that and process what I had just seen, there came a yelp of joy. The boy was smiling. And, I had to admit, he did have a far nicer smile than any of the boys Tricia and Lettie had brought home.

Still, I had to recover, and so I turned away. My face felt like it was on fire, as if I had a bad sunburn.

“I’ll go get you some clothes,” I mumbled. I didn’t think of how I would explain the boy’s sudden appearance to Mom and Dad. And what would Tricia and Lettie say? Who was I kidding; they’d probably fawn over him like they did any old boy.

But as I sought the refuge of the house, leaving behind my soon-to-be-uncovered secret, I felt my heart race in my chest.

If kissing a real boy was anything like kissing a frog had been, then I was in real trouble.