I Killed John Goodman When I Was A Child

and it’s too late to bring him back now!

For those of you who were raised on shows like Roseanne, like I was when I was a kid, this news might surprise you. I killed John Goodman after the first time I saw the last episode of Rosanne.

After the release of the episode, it was not played much as you would expect on reruns. Like a well-kept secret, I watched Roseanne every day and had no idea.

I was 10 years old when I killed John Goodman. Making the excuse, in my mind, that the only reason they would remove such an important part of my life was that our beloved Dan had, in fact, died.

A Little Back Story

I watched reruns of Roseanne every morning before school. Something about the modern, blue-collar family comforted someone who had never even had friends for as long as I had watched the show. We moved around a lot. It was an odd comfort knowing that no matter where we lived I could have breakfast with America’s funniest TV family.

My mother was a single mother and was generally at work before I woke up in the morning, so the comfort stayed with me through the years. It became routine, and when so much changed, the routine was comforting.

I Didn’t Know Right Away

The original episode aired in 1997. I can’t recall the first time I saw the original episode, but I am fairly certain it was after 2001, or at least, that is when I killed John Goodman.

My father passed away in 2001 when I was 13, and him having an unsuspected heart attack, my world flipped upside down. I don’t recall seeing the last episode of Roseanne before that event, but I do know that it was after that day that I watched Dan die and subsequently killed off John Goodman for good.

I Never Watched A Lot Of TV

Which is the excuse I stick to when I look back at around 4 years and having an argument with my husband that John Goodman was, in fact, dead. Yes, around 2018 is when I had the striking realization that my memory had deceived me.

I watched reruns of Roseanne all the time. I still do! So why was it so far-fetched to believe that new movies had been prerecorded? I don’t think it is.

When I Finally Realized I Was A Murderer

When a new television show came out and I said to my husband nonchalantly; “I was so sad when John Goodman died.” He revealed the fact that I was a murderer. For at least 15 years, I had killed off John Goodman and even mourned the loss.

Why?

As previously stated, my father passed away when I was 13. He died of a heart attack in his sleep. Leaving me, my brother, and my mother (who was his best friend) alone. I was angry. I mourned him by holding onto that anger and tried my best to pretend that he was still only a phone call away when I needed him.

If I had previously seen the last episode of Roseanne prior to this life-changing event, I don’t remember. I do remember sitting down unsuspectedly and watching one of the saddest things I have ever seen on TV to this date.

It touched me in a place I tried so hard to ignore and I mourned Dan, right alongside Roseanne.

If You Have Never Seen It ( A Quick Summary)

Dan had a heart attack in a previous episode, and when we learn of his death, we also learned that every episode since then had played out in Roseanne’s head. They had not won the lottery, nor had many of the events ever happened. Dan had died, and to continue living herself; Roseanne built a world in which he didn’t leave.

To this day, I still look back and think that the most unrealistic part of the whole episode is that Darlene ended up with Mark.

I Am Not Ashamed That I Killed John Goodman

In fact, I am thankful that when it was something so hard to speak of and something I avoided to make others sad, I was able to mourn my fathers’ loss with someone who understood. After many years of learning to cope with my grief, I am no longer mad at my father, nor do I think he would have ever left us had he had a choice in the matter.

It’s still funny and a memory I have shared a few times over the last few years with those who are mourning. You cope with a broken heart the best you can, and you just have to remind yourself to breathe until it becomes more natural again.

I am not crazy, nor do I regret killing John Goodman; I was simply a child who grieved the only way she knew how; who found comfort in a familiar place.

Part of me will always mourn John Goodman, just as I mourn Dan. With a grin, part of me still thinks every time I see him, he looks good for a guy who has been dead for many years.

I don’t regret killing John Goodman, but if he ever hears about this story, let’s tell him I do. Just to be nice.