‘I just want you to know who I am’:
The problem of projection and how I manage it…
‘I just you to know who I am’ is a beautiful song that, I believe, points at a core issue of social interactions.
The issue I believe the song notes is ‘everyone’s need to be seen for who they are’. Yet more often than not others don’t see us. Instead they project on us, and claim, even assert, we are someone else. They do not see the person in front of them.
‘I don’t want the world to see me…’ is exactly how I feel, sometimes.
Not because I don’t want to be seen, but because when I put myself out there the world see who they project on to me, not me. It hurts.
We live in a world where so many people are so caught up in their inner reality that they don’t see the individual in front of them. Instead our assumptions and concerns are ‘projected’ onto others.
And I, for one, am tired of, indeed exhausted from, having others’ fears and horrors dumped on me, with their apparent assumption that I am in some way full of ill intent.
I am not being seen for who, but who they fear I might be.
I know. It is important to align who I am with my actions, to increase the chances of been perceived for who I am. I do my best to be authentic.
Yet I cannot get into others heads and alter their perceptions, when they choose to lock onto those perceptions. When they are not willing to be open to other possibilities.
I know. It is none of my business what others think of me.
Except it is, when the misinterpretations, false accusations, lead to actions that impact on my reality. It is necessary to be able to protect myself from such actions. Even when it is naught but verbal assaults the injuries caused are real, just as real as the injuries caused by sticks and stones.
Honestly it is a draining experience counteracting others projections so often.
A key life lesson for me was grasping why it is so important to find people that believe in me. People that see me for who I am. People who know I matter, and care about that basic human right enough to enact it.
At the same time I accept most, if not all, of us unwittingly project. It is a natural process. We can only see through the lens we wear. We can only perceive what we know exists. If we have never experienced kindness how are we to recognise it? If we have been wired to see problems everywhere, what else are we to do?
My Five-Step Action Plan to Reduce The Impact of Projection:
1) To reduce my projection onto others I develop my ability to see others for who they are. By developing my ability to:
Be present and pay attention to what is happening now, in this moment.
Look for evidence for my thoughts, perceptions and ask myself if there are other possible reasons, than the one that has automatically come to mind, for what I am observing.
Ask questions to clarify my perceptions.
2) To develop my ability to respectfully communicate and assert my personal needs and rights I focus on:
Listening to others’ needs as well as mine.
Using I statements.
Accepting the right for everyone to say no.
Accepting I might have to ask somewhere else.
Developing my respectful communication and relationship skills.
3) To develop my personal power I:
Develop my self-awareness and self-determination.
Increase my ability to make personally fulfilling decisions.
4) To develop my ability to implement self-care I:
Remember to act with kindness towards myself.
Acknowledge my emotional injuries and using emotional first aid as required. My mental health is just as important as my physical health. And yes I look after that too.
5) I carefully select where and with whom I spend my time. Ok I am still working on this one, it is not always easy.
The truth is we all matter and we all want to be seen for who we are.
Projecting our fears onto others reduces our ability to see others for who they are AND our ability to connect and develop strong relationships. So it is worth developing our ability to see others for who they are.
At the same time we can’t stop others projecting on us. What we can do, is learn to reduce the impact of their projection.