I just had a realization…

How deeply I’ve been abused by my ex

Note: Despite the funny image (why not some humor?), this is a pretty serious topic. Maybe this article can help someone out there.

It’s the New Year — 2024 is here.

And right on time (on the 1st of January) I had this deep realization on a heart-level.

My mind had it all along of course, conceptually that is…

In the landscape of the linear-logical brain, I knew what I’ve been through and I was very well aware what pain this body, with all its emotions, went through. And many times I sat with these thoughts and just observed them as much as I could.

But now, I had a deeper understanding — a tangible, strong realization within the center of my chest — how deeply my heart had been broken and that probably 80% of my problems (physical symptoms, tensions, digestive issues, emotional pain etc.) are due to the post-traumatic stress of the profoundly painful passage that I went through in the past.

As I felt the emotions unfold in my chest, whimpering and a river of tears followed, and as I talked about it with my wife, I hugged her and let the sadness and grief of the pain that I went through come up without suppressing it.

It felt like a big release. And it was necessary. But I know there is more of it, as the muscle aches and certain symptoms (like exhaustion) are still there… Physical sensations like tensions and pain are usually a sign of suppressed or (as in my case) repressed emotions.

The difference between suppression and repression is simple:

When one suppresses something, it is done actively, consciously and with intention — for instance, because the situation at hand might not allow strong emotions to come up.

When one represses something, it is done passively, not with conscious intent or knowing. The latter might occur, because the body and mind literally don’t know how to handle the flood of emotions and memories of suffering that push open the gates of expression. That is why the subconscious part of the brain ‘feels’ it is safer to simply push them down. Instead of feeling the plethora of emotions…

This is a big side-effect of being human.

Animals have the same trauma-processing mechanics but they don’t push down the trauma, they shake it off. Literally — birds do that for instance, when they fly against a wall: There body shakes off the shock that is stored in the muscle-tissue.

The trigger for this heart-based realization

The trigger for feeling (at least a part of) my past’s trauma was a video on YouTube I came across, seemingly randomly. The therapist in it talked about ten traits and behaviors of narcissistic females and the abuse it can cause in a relationship.

Needless to say, all the signs were spot on. And they are all emotionally wounding on a deep level, especially if one is highly sensitive by nature.

A good thing that comes out of the pain is that you can spot these individuals from a mile away and you can smell every small particle of their manipulation, once you have gone through that experience…

Just to name a few of the signs for narcissistic females (almost the same applies for males of course) — this list is a mix of both, things I’ve heard/read from therapists discussing the topic, and my own observations, when encountering these individuals.

The narcissistic partner:

1. ‘Glamorizes’ you in the beginning phases of the relationship (love-bombing)

2. Gaslights the person they are together with (on a regular basis)

3. Cheats on you with other people, either behind your back or…

4. They will even tell you flat out that they have to sleep with others, because it’s the ‘natural state’ for humans to have multiple partners, and they will try to convince you that somehow you are not normal if you are not lusting after others…

5. Praises their own hyper-sexuality and tries to arrange situations that will make you deliberately jealous…

6. To afterwards blame you for being ‘too sensitive’, over-reactive or not manly (or feminine) enough for not doing the same as they do

7. The narcissist measures their self-worth by ‘accomplishing’ only shallow things (like sleeping with as many people as possible, buying super-expensive designer-clothes, gossiping and bashing other people’s real accomplishments, priding themselves and showing off with intensity their elitist status (doctor-titles, being able to go to certain schools, the amount of money they make etc.)…)

8. Tries to maintain a perfect façade for the world at all times and steer away from empathy (which is consider a major flaw in the narcissist’s ego-viewport)

9. Super-clichéd but true: Gazes alarmingly long into the mirror while ignoring your presence (this is also mentioned in the video)

10. Is hyper-sexual and flirtatious with everyone (but you), and restlessly pursues adventures to cover up their own complexes (though some of these individuals can be self-reflective, usually they choose to not look inside but to blame their partner or friends for their problems — because it’s ‘more convenient’ for their ego)

11. Creates a deep trauma-bond by pushing you away and then pulling you in (this can happen over a short period of time as well as over longer periods — leaving you confused and drained)

12. Gives you the silent treatment, whenever you want to have a constructive talk with them about how the relationship is not working and things have to change…

13. Will break up with you, without any apparent reason on their side, repeatedly. And they will contact you out of the blue (with a lot of drama), apologizing for what they have done and presenting themselves as the victim (igniting your empathy for them)

14. Uses her sexuality to make you feel less than her (by bragging about her past)

15. Will constantly try to make yourself question your masculinity (or femininity)

16. Will give you feelings of guilt for being vulnerable (when demanding vulnerability) — it’s a complete, excuse my language, mind-f*@%!

17. Gaslights you into believing you deserve to be treated badly, simply because you are a man (this, like other points, is also mentioned in the video I came across— I’ll link it down below!)

18. Exploits shame to control you and others (this one hit me the deepest)

19. Talks you into believing you are the toxic person in the relationship and that all troubles stem from you, telling there is something foundationally wron with you as a person/portraying you as the villain (big red flag!)

20. Is a Stalker (most probable on social media)…

21. Effortlessly lies in situations where you would need honesty the most (this is another one I noticed a lot — in my case the ex even stole items from me and pretended that I had lost them, only to later give them back (when those items were not needed anymore))

22. And so on and so on…

The patterns of these people are crazy once you identify them… In case you are dealing with someone like that and you are aware of it — get out of there as fast as possible!

Also, I want to mention here: Don’t get hung up on just one of these traits — people are always operating on a spectrum — it doesn’t necessarily mean that someone has this exact disorder simply because they look a few times at your social media profile or because they like designer-clothes or are proud of their job-title, university-certificates etc.

What is important to remember is that it’s the combination and the magnitude of these traits. And no matter what personality disorder you encounter in the end — if you feel that anything written here resonates and you got this icky sensation about someone in your life that makes you doubt yourself and your gifts (or that simply upsets your stomach), investigate how and why you feel that way — and see what emotions are connected to that person or situation that try to tell you something that the linear mind doesn’t see.

A good reminder at all times might be:

If we intuitively feel that something is off, then it most probably is.

The toxic relationship that I endured was intensified because of the deep trauma-bond that had been created.

One of the most profoundly disturbing things was (and this is now very personal territory I’m covering here…), when I was about to have ‘my first time’…

I remember being super nervous (because I felt very uncomfortable and not safe with her, at least my subconscious knew that already…), I was unable to get aroused, and she started laughing and making fun of me. Right after that incident (just a few minutes later), she told me how we couldn’t be together and I was heartbroken…

Yet, just a few weeks prior she had confessed her love to me and told me how she was suffering because I didn’t immediately share her love-bombing-perspective (as my gut probably told me from the beginning something was off).

So it actually took convincing my body with the rational, logical aspects of the mind that it was ‘in fact safe to pursue a relationship’ with this person — that was a big error of course initiated by rationalizing pain and dismissing intuition, as she was not the type to be loyal or honest or really empathetic towards her partners’ feelings (she had quite a few failed relationships before, which should have been red flag enough!)

The trauma-bond had been created.

For the next year, I was unable to get an erection and I went to doctors and tried to figure out what was wrong — it was all simply due to being shamed sexually… When something like this occurs in a space of intimacy and where mutual trust is needed, there are obviously marks left on one’s emotional body.

I didn’t realize until later that this was not normal behavior from a partner. I had always attracted abusive people from the outside (‘friends’, colleagues, teachers, partners…), so I had no clue that this was not normal. It felt like a strange, karmic joke.

Unfortunately, the two girlfriends I had in the past where both highly toxic people. I attracted those kinds of individuals, because there was something (karmic) unhealed within me — a lack in your own subconscious can create these situation — so that we can learn a lesson proposed by the universe. I know for me, deep abandonment issues and the fear of being rejected (by the world) and feeling unloved and unworthy of love were the primary sources that created those painful situations.

But: Once the divine time was right and I had at least healed to the degree that I would not have to go through those kind of connections anymore, I met my one true love! (:

By the way, here’s the aformentioned video that triggered this article:

Practicing self-love

I am practicing self-love and affirmations, prayer and healing modalities almost on a daily basis since years, but the healing process is a long one and it’s often difficult to stay motivated and to not feel frustrated…

Not these techniques or mediation though is what gets me up every morning — I can safely say that the biggest gift, the biggest blessing in my life, and the reason I feel connected and in unison with love is having met and married my wife Maleesha (she’s an angel, even though on the photos you can’t see her wings).

Without her the pain would have become unbearable — and, obviously, I’ve lived most of my life without her, so I know what it feels like to live without her…

I want to end this article with the words that are inscribed into the inside of our wedding rings:

LOVE HEALS ALL.

We just need time and patience and people, who support us on our journey.

Thank you for reading.

I hope this article helps someone out there.

Many blessings and much love to you 💚

Michael.

If you want to support me in my artist’s journey (art-music-literature), please feel free to head over to my Ko-Fi.

I am deeply grateful for every donation, no matter how small or big.

Thank you for your support!