DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME
I Just Did a Cartwheel and Nearly Tore Myself a New One
When you realise you’re not as young as you used to be.
I’m never growing up.
I don’t plan on dying early, but I don’t plan on getting old either.
I’ve been “Benjamin-Buttoning” it since 2012.
I’m a spring chicken with crow’s feet.
So, as I waited patiently for my dog to take a crap in the yard, I decided it was a good time to pull off a cartwheel. Something I haven’t done for years.
The sun was fading. The afternoon glow was receding.
Wearing my colourful dog print pyjamas and slippers, I assessed the lawn for adequate conditions:
- Is there a level patch of lawn? Check.
- Clear of dog landmines? Check.
- Enough space to avoid getting tangled up in the rose bush or other garden trappings? Check.
- No one else around? No husband to witness a potentially regrettable incident? Check.
I crouched down, pulled out some grass, and threw it into the air, testing the wind direction. You gotta be scientific about this stuff.
It was the perfect storm.
Boredom + study procrastination + alone + age denial = cartwheel.
1… 2… 3…
HOLY F*CK. WHAT DID I JUST DO?!??!?!
I just tore myself a new…
WooHoo
Hoohoo
Hoochie
ChaCha
Whatsie
Girl’s bit
Snatch
Nub
Flower
Folds
Mons
Yoni
Axolotl
Love button
Beaver
Taco
Fish Lips
Cameltoe
Bajingo
Pandora’s box
Sperm bottle
Meat Curtains
Down under
Vertical smile
Cookie
Snake charmer
Cooter
Penis Fly Trap
Muff
Snapper
Home plate
Vajayjay
Punani
Hot pocket
Minge
Vagina
…whatever the hell you call it.
That’s what I did! Tore myself a new one.
Once I had one vagina. Now I have two! Hmm…they might come in handy.
Moral of the Story
Don’t pretend you can still do the same stupid sh*t you did when you were twelve.
This includes whirly-twirly’s/dizzy-whizzies, headstands, monkey bars, see-saws, jumping up on things, jumping down from things and, oh yeah, cartwheels.
You’ve been warned.
As I wait for my dog, and struggle to walk, let me end by saying.
I am never growing up. I will adapt to life with two clam-shells but even after my warning…
I predict more cartwheels in my future.
Some of the names provided are courtesy of Health Mad.
What were you doing when you realised you weren’t as young as you used to be?
Liz Mroz, Gabby Gabs, Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg), Kristine Laco, Scot Butwell, Michael L Butler, Brandon 🚣🏼🐝, The Sober Vegan Yogi
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