I Improved One Thing, and Went From Dateless to Engaged in Under a Year
Does this sound familiar to you?
Everyone at work is at least a decade older than you and married. They’re not eligible, and they don’t know any single people your age.
You take a class at your local continuing education facility to meet people. The only people you meet are the 20 other women who signed up for the class.
You sign up for online dating, and get your hopes up every time you agree to meet someone. But one guy is 25 years older than he said he was. Another guy takes one look at you and says, “You can’t be the girl I’m meeting. She’s pretty.”
Yes, that describes my twenties pretty well. My thirties were even more of a disaster, because I gave up on trying to find someone. What made it even more tragic was the reason I was too busy to go on dates. I had a flourishing second career writing romance novels at the time.
I wasn’t bitter or cynical, though. I knew there was someone out there that was perfect for me. The trick was going to be finding him, without wasting my time on all the Mr. Wrongs.
Playing by the rules doesn’t work
I’d learned all the “rules” of dating. Things like laugh at his jokes, be interested in his interests, and smile. There were even rules about how many days to wait before calling after a date.
These things seemed artificial to me. But it looked like everyone around me was playing the game…and having far better luck than I was.
Or were they?
Married women I knew disparaged their husbands. They insulted them, and treated them like an ATM. Single women complained of how badly their boyfriends treated them. But they stayed with them anyway, because it was better than being alone.
You see, here’s the problem with the “rules”. If you pretend to be someone you’re not to get someone’s interest, you’re stuck. You’ve signed up for a lifetime of pretending to be someone you’re not. You could always stop pretending once you’ve captured their interest. But then your relationship is likely to end, because you “changed”.
Don’t chase numbers to find “the one”
I bought a course called “Catch Him and Keep Him” that changed my dating life.
The first point was absolutely amazing. I shouldn’t try to write my online dating profile to appeal to as many men as possible. Instead, I needed to be 100% clear on what I wanted in a mate. Then, write my profile to attract only that type of person.
I’d been thinking of dating as a “numbers game”, where you had to maximize the pool of potential matches.
Sure, in high school and college that makes sense. You’re still learning what kinds of attributes you want in a mate, so you have to experiment. But once you’re an adult, you already know what will or won’t work for you.
This was revolutionary. Don’t measure success by how many responses you get to your profile. Measure success by how close they are to your ideal.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it
The second point was that men and women communicate differently. (I know, Earth shattering news, isn’t it?)
The course outlined what men heard versus what woman thought they were saying. And, of course, what women heard versus what men thought they were saying.
This shone a new light on “the rules”. The idea wasn’t to change who you were. It was to change your behavior so that you sent the right signal in his language.
You still wanted your behavior to be congruent with who you were as a person. No pretending to be something you were not.
But rather than reacting to what he said, react to what he meant by saying it. Instead of blurting out your initial response, think about how he will receive it.
This was the change I referred to in the title of this article.
As I began dating the man attracted by my new profile, there were plenty of crucial conversations. A miscommunication would have made me seem needy, clingy, or high maintenance.
Yet, I consciously chose to communicate that I was independent and low maintenance. But also supportive of his goals and ideals. I communicated those messages in a way that he could understand.
We started dating in October. We got engaged the next June. It took a while to line up all the details for a church wedding, so we got married a little over a year later in August.
Communication is a lifetime skill
My husband and I still use this skill. I recall when he picked me up after a grueling exam. The exam was supposed to be a 3-hour exam, which would be hard enough. But there were computer problems that added an extra hour before I could start.
When he picked me up, after I’d failed, I was grousing about the delay and how I was sure that contributed. He was outraged on my behalf, wanting to demand a refund of the test fee, or demand that I be allowed to sit the test again.
What I wanted was to be told that even though I’d failed the exam, I was still a good person. I shouldn’t be defined by one failure. His outrage seemed to be saying that I was a failure, and needed him to “fix” me. (Women who are reading this are probably nodding their heads. Men are wondering how on earth I got that from what he said.)
He knew I was hurt and demoralized by the failure. But he interpreted it as a failure on his part to keep me safe. By offering to fight the system for me, he was trying to reassure me that he could keep me safe.
So I could answer what he meant, rather than what he said.
I told him, “Thank you for being willing to fight for me. That means a lot to me, to know you’ve got my back. But what would really make me feel better would be for you to hold me and tell me this doesn’t make me a failure.”
He was astonished that I could think that. I was anything but a failure in his eyes! He then held me, and told me all the ways I was an amazingly successful person. Because he realized that was how he could succeed at making me feel safe.
Transparency is crucial
The final point the course made is another one that we still use.
It said that what people want most in a relationship is to feel that they will be loved no matter what. They can let their partner see the real them, and their partner will still love them.
Making your relationship safe and transparent is actually pretty simple. It’s not always easy, but it’s simple.
No matter what he tells you, or how scared he is to tell you it, your first reaction must always be happiness. You are thrilled that he loves and trusts you enough to feel secure in telling you this.
Make sure he understands how valued and cherished you feel that he was able to tell you whatever it is. Then you can move on to deal with whatever it is he just told you.
We’ve had our share of difficult conversations over the past 11 years of our marriage. But every single time, we’ve felt closer and more in love at the end of the conversation than at the beginning. That’s the power of transparency.
Conclusion
If you want a strong, long-lasting relationship, don’t try to attract a mate by following “the rules”.
Figure out what you want in a partner, and appeal to that person.
Learn to speak in a way that you will be understood, and to understand what your partner means by what they say.
Finally, be transparent and honest, and value transparency and honesty in your partner.
Ready to have a better tomorrow?
I’ve created a cheat sheet to help you increase your confidence and get control of your life. If you follow this daily, you will level up your life very quickly!
