LIFE JOURNEY

“I Heard That.” What To Do When Ugly Words Land in the Wrong Ears.

Here’s what to do when you’ve hurt someone with careless words — or been hurt yourself.

Have you had the experience of catching someone when they say something awful about you? That moment when you realize the look or the comment you just bumped into was meant for another person to hear or see, but it was about you, and it wasn’t nice?

It’s a gut-wrencher.

Though we all engage in this kind of behavior, it can knock the wind out of your sails when you realize that people you think of as “on your side” are maybe a little further away emotionally than you like.

Psalm 15:3 — He does not slander with his tongue, Nor do evil to his neighbor, Nor bring shame on his friend;

The truth is that no matter which side of this awkward moment you land on there is plenty of shame for everyone involved.

Below are some tactics to help you move beyond this uncomfortable situation, no matter which role you play.

For the Transgressor — Admit That You Screwed Up. If you are the culprit and have hurt another with careless words, it’s your job to fix things (if you can). But if you want to do more than make yourself feel better, you’ll need to handle the situation thoughtfully. First, you must be honest. You hurt another person. Don’t try to hide this under jokes or minimize what happened. It hurts to find out others are talking behind your back. That’s the bottom line. Own that.

Apologize from the heart. Acknowledge the pain that you have caused, but don’t linger here. Don’t beat yourself up to the wounded friend. Instead, reassure the person you hurt that you do care (unless you don’t) so you can all move on.

Your apology should be immediate, honest, heartfelt, and quick, like ripping off a band-aid. Offer to be available for further conversations in the future — if they want to talk — then let it go.

For the Wounded — Let It Hurt. I’ll be blunt…when you overhear a person you think of as a friend run you down, it hurts. Depending on the circumstance and what you hear, this situation can be life changing. Apologies, if you get them, may not matter much. What then for you? Admit that you are hurting. Don’t pretend this doesn’t matter. At least admit it to yourself. Be brave so any pain can move through you. This is what tears were made for — use them.

When They Apologize — Let them. Believe it when your people tell you they didn’t mean anything. They probably didn’t. Think about the times you have said mean things about others’ yourself. You never intended another person to hear your words or to be hurt by them. Accept the apology, however awkward, forgive, and move on. Count it as a valuable (albeit painful) lesson if it stops you from saying something snarky in the future.

If No Apology Comes — Accept People for what they are. If they can’t or won’t apologize, that says more about them than you. This is cold comfort for the recently backstabbed, but it’s true. Pull out your best emotional hurt first aid kit and start treatments immediately. Avoid drugs, alcohol, and bitter reprisals. Healing your life begins on the inside anyway. If you want better people than this in your life, you’ll need to be a better person. My healthy go-to’s include prayer, long walks, and Anna Runkle’s Daily Practice.

Most of the time, a simple slip of the tongue (or text, or note, or whatever) is just that. Small-time catty words said carelessly that don’t reflect true feelings either way. Sure, they sting and can be embarrassing, but we all move on as if nothing happened.

Most of the time, this is appropriate.

These minor wounds are opportunities to have an overdue conversation (now that things are out in the open) or to use as reminders to ease up on the gossip ourselves.

More significant hurts that cannot be ignored may send you on a new path in your life. Maybe it’s time to look for new friends or pull away from uncomfortably close family. Take a step back and consider what you can learn from this painful moment; there are lessons about humility, strength, and love here.

Forgive Everyone Involved — We are all a very long way from perfection. It’s doubtful that anyone intended to hurt another, but…it happens. This isn’t an excuse to sweep hurt feelings under the rug. Deal with the wounds the best you can, work on forgiveness — and let it go.

The gift here is that you learn to avoid talking about other people behind their backs. It feels good to leave this immature cruelty behind even if you are alone in refusing to participate.

Stand out with your silence. Let your good heart shine instead.

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