I Haven’t Seen My Family in Ten Years

And I plan to keep it that way

I want to start by saying that regarding my siblings, it’s not all them. We’ve grown into very different people and simply have no business being in each other’s lives. My parents, on the other hand are a different matter. My father passed away last year, and for obvious reasons I have spoken about before. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t happy, I was nothing, and couldn’t have cared less. It made no difference to my life.

My mum used to like to pretend that we were all really close. We were forever trying to tell her that we weren’t. Yeah, we had each other’s backs at times, but for the most part, we didn’t get along. And the more she tried to force us to, the less we did. If someone has one kid, people always say you need to give them a brother or sister. No, no, you don’t. Just because you give someone a brother or sister doesn’t mean they’re going to be friends. The likelihood is they will be mortal enemies. There are no guarantees in life. You think you’re going to get two cute little squeaky Guinea pigs, but in reality, you’re left with two Siamese fighting fish.

I’ve been asked a few times how I manage to get out of my responsibilities as a daughter. And the answer is very simple.

I don’t care if they paint me as the villain.

And as a daughter, I don’t have a responsibility for my mother. Yes, if she were physically unable to do things for herself or she was alone, it might be different. But I am under no obligation to visit her just so she can pick everything in my life apart. We email about once a month now, and even that is becoming less regular since her last outburst. You’re under no obligation to visit anyone who has offered you nothing but cruelty throughout your life.

My mum has painted all of us as villains throughout the years, apart from my youngest brother. We’ve been the ungrateful little brats she wished she never had, so being a villain is par for the course. I don’t care who she tells, what she says, or how they react. I stay away for my own mental health.

My ex portrayed me as the villain when I left her. I was called every name under the sun, some of which, sadly, people believed. And I was okay with that. I knew that I wasn’t any of the things she said I was, and I’m not any of the things that my mum says I am. That was enough for me, and not caring what other people think is a gift that not many people are given. And when they are, they usually have to learn it the hard way.

My mother was an abusive narcissist, and my father was a child molester. Why would I go and visit? Would you ask me if I visited my abusive-ex partner? No, but people think because they’re family that you have to forgive them for some reason.

You do not have to forgive your abuser just because they happen to be your family member. You are under no obligation and if anyone tries to pressure you into doing so then they are on the side of your abuser.

Even as a young teenager, my older brother, Gavin would always say that we didn’t have to get along. Just because we happened to be thrown into the same family doesn’t mean we’re going to like each other. Obviously, this irritated my mum. I get that you would want your children to get along with each other, but sometimes they don’t.

My sister, Mandy, wasn’t happy when I came out as a lesbian, which would later evolve into bisexuality. But I dated women exclusively for many years. She tried picking a fight with me at my aunt’s funeral and told me I wasn’t to talk to her children about it because it wasn’t natural.

My sister, Sam, invited me to her wedding early last year, but not my husband. When I fired off what can only be described as a strongly worded email to her. I was told I was making a big deal out of it. And that she didn’t want her wedding day to be about “that.” When I asked her to explain what “that” meant I got no response.

My older brother, I don’t even hear about him, let alone from him. I know he’s got two kids and a dog. That’s about it.

And my younger brother, he still lives at home with my mum. And I think that’s probably where he’s going to stay. She made sure when he was growing up, we all knew he was the favourite. She made no bones about having a favourite child, and when I called her out on it, she replied: “You’ll understand when you have your own kids.” So, parents of Medium, do you have a favourite child? Because I still don’t understand. She did everything for him, and by all accounts, she still does.

To sum it up, I don’t visit my family because I don’t want to, and they don’t want me to. We’re happy in our own little worlds, and those little worlds never need to collide. So, for any toxic parents out there who think their kid will always come back no matter how you treat them, they won’t. Trust me, one day they will realise that they deserve better than you ever gave them.