ESSAY
I Have to Admit, I Am Broken
It’s a start.
Folks, there’s no pretty way to put it.
I am utterly destroyed.
Up until a few days ago, I would have told you, with confidence, that I was in a loving, committed, joyous relationship. The kind that lasts a lifetime. The kind where you grow old together and plan your rocking-chair days.
But without any warning, about 5 days ago, with only my “retrospect knowledge” now putting the pieces together on what I should have seen all along, the news hit. The kind of news that changes everything. Ruins everything. Destroys everything.
And just like that, my 10+ year relationship is over and I find myself at 46 living with my mother, who came to get me and whatever of mine I could fit in her car. I don’t know what I would do without my mother — whose unwavering support is my lifeline.
I think it has been 3 or 4 days now — I am not even sure how long I have been here at my mom’s.
My youngest son, who was living with us, got his things too and met me here. He has comforted me with hugs and tears and understanding.
I have raised “my” daughter since she was 5 (In quotes only to specify that I am not her birth mother and thanks to legalities, I have no rights to her, though that, in NO WAY changes how I feel about her.)— and now my relationship, along with her, are gone. I am destroyed. I even left my 10-year-old cat and my dog behind. Not that it seems important right now — but to my broken heart, it is loss upon loss.
My oldest son did not take the news well. In his own brokenness and pain he said some truly awful things to me. He is angry that I left (Oh trust, leaving was not what I wanted to do — it is what I HAD to do.) The criticism, the anger, the insults, all heaped upon my pain is too much for me to bear. I fear I will never see my grandchildren again.
I do NOT like telling my business. I do NOT like advertising for the world to see the parts of my story that belong to other people or the pain that they are going through — but I am so utterly broken I cannot even think.
My chest feels like it might burst. I run out of tears and then they come all over again. I have freelancing jobs to do and I cannot think clearly. My body is betraying me with pain and weakness and exhaustion. My heart feels like it is thudding in my chest. I forget what I was doing or what I was JUST reading or what I am trying to write for work. I am barely functional.
Stress upon stress is upon me. I wrote this and this and this and this and still the cathartic release isn’t working. I try to manage my publications and my groups and the words are just all blurring together. Time isn’t making sense. There’s a steady, pounding-ringing in my ears.
Yet — I am eating. I am breathing. I am sleeping (broken sleep — but still) and I am bathing, walking around in the world doing my best to function. I keep taking walks outside, trying to hear the things of the forest and the birds — hoping to absorb some healing from the trees. I have prayed.
My only income is from Medium and Fiverr. Totaling about 700.00 a month. Today I bought a 400.00 car. It is three different colors but it runs and has good tires. It is a start. Over the next few days I will get it on the road, get the tag and all the legal stuff done. Somehow, in my physically limited condition, I have to find a way to support myself, get a place to live, and get back on my feet. Just a week ago — I was looking for a house to buy with my partner and now I have nothing. The dream, gone. My partner in life who was my EVERYTHING now seems like a ghost I didn’t even know.
I am burdened with guilt for leaving — yet I cannot change it.
The flip side of this — as I always find the joy or the hope in everything — is that yes, I am getting a car, and yes I am a talented writer working on freelance work — which can support me if I can grow it quickly.
Today, I added these to my personal blog to steer my blog readers into the support and services I offer:
Support and Services
Contribute (This is one of those Ko-fi donation things.)
Writing Services Hire Me: SEO content for your website Hire Me: Creative blogging content or guest blogging
Editing Services Hire Me: To help you with your poetry Hire Me: To help you with your poetry book
YES, I am dropping links here — the shameless self-promotion pales in comparison to the crisis I am in at the moment. I haven’t the mental energy to feel guilty about that — or anything else.
I can still see others and I can still feel their pain for various things they are facing. (Facebook friends, Medium and Twitter friends, members of groups I am in, etc.). I can even still reach out and try to comfort them or answer their questions or help them figure out something they are trying to do — but my responses are limited and taxing on me.
What matters is getting myself on my feet. What matters is that my boys do not hate me. (Sidenote: Both my boys are adults) What matters is that the people I had to leave get themselves some help. What matters is learning to trust anyone, ever, again. What matters is breathing. What matters is healing.
But it looks like what I will be doing is working — and working my ass off.
Thank you for reading my work today. Your contribution of time is appreciated. I will absolutely look back on this post with shame and wish I’d not put myself out there like this. For right now — I am too heartbroken to care about that.
Christina M. Ward is a broken person right now — but she is no stranger to pain, stress, or immense hardship. She will rise.
