SATIRE

I Have No Opinions to Avoid Offending Anyone

Now I don’t even get invited to Thanksgiving dinners — everyone just forgets about me

People are really easily set off, and talking about anything is divisive and polarizing these days. I got into way too many arguments about everything, so last year, I made a New Year’s Resolution: I will have no opinions to avoid offending anyone.

I didn’t think it was possible, but I have succeeded. Now, I have a completely opinion-free lifestyle that makes my life free of offending anyone.

Politicians? I don’t like them or hate them. I have no opinion. Every time I have an opinion, it feels like I suddenly have to be a lawyer and be in a court of law. It’s not pleasant, so I just want to avoid the trouble of having opinions.

It started out on divisive issues. I just wouldn’t respond when people asked me what I thought about political figures like Trump and Boris Johnson, or religious figures like Jesus and Muhammad.

However, not having any opinions has extended to all facets of life. Everything just seems controversial these days.

I don’t have a preference in sports anymore. I used to be a diehard fan of all Washington sports teams, but even being a sports fan is too controversial these days. People started to make generalizing judgments of me as a belligerent alcoholic who hates Native Americans, so I decided to stop watching sports.

Not having any opinions extended to movies and films. I thought the prequel Star Wars movies were pretty good, and once I voiced that opinion on Reddit, I got doxed and trolled. I found death threats in my Reddit inbox. “What kind of beta cuck likes Episode 2?” was one particularly insulting message, which I had to look up on Urban Dictionary. Now, I don’t have any opinions on movies. They’re not good or bad — they just are.

I can’t like books anymore either. One day, I got bored and read Harry Potter again, and tweeted about how great the books were. Soon, thousands of strangers tweeted at me and I got canceled. I learned the lesson soon as I took the time to apologize to every person who called me a transphobic fascist pig: having opinions about books is a no-no.

It seems like I can’t have opinions about food without it being controversial either. Where I come from, mayo peanut butter sandwiches are standard lunch sandwiches. I used to love eating them, but once I moved to America and pulled out my mayo peanut butter sandwich in the break room, all hell broke loose. People who never spoke a word to me before asked me what personal beef I had against jelly — I didn’t have any problem against jelly, I just never saw why Americans mix sweet and salty condiments in the same sandwich. They just don’t go together.

Ah, there I go having an opinion again. I slipped up. Not having any opinions has undoubtedly made my life less stressful. I get into fewer conflicts.

But recently, my boss called me into his office, and called me out for having no opinions. He said that unless I stopped being such a “conniving people pleaser,” I’d get fired and lose my job. Apparently, by having no opinions, I was adding no value to work meetings and no contribution to the company.

My wife has also taken the kids and left the divorce papers on the table. She doesn’t want to be married to someone who has no stand on what’s right and wrong, who just lets the kids do whatever they want. I used to try to avoid heated family Thanksgiving political arguments, but now I don’t even get invited to Thanksgiving dinners — everyone either just forgets about me or calls me boring because I have no opinions.

These personal circumstances are unfortunate, but I can’t let myself feel any type of way about them. After all, feeling emotions is a form of having opinions, so I can’t let that happen or it’s going to stir the pot and piss someone off.

By having no opinions, I am now a peace-loving martyr in a world of division and polarization, and I offend no one.