I Have No Idea What Non-binary Means, or Much of Anything Any More

But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

The older I get, the more I pull out of the maelstrom of the mainstream, by design. By design, that also means that there will be news I haven’t heard, changes in terminology that confuse the hell out of me, and popular slang that is impossible for me to interpret. For example I do not buy the notion that an entire generation hijacked the word “OK” to be rude. I still use it liberally, without any intention of offending anyone. It’s been in the vernacular since the 1830s, and will be around long after its current iteration as an insult.

These days I spent a lot of time overseas (well, normally) and I also don’t watch the news. I like silence, reading, writing, working, thinking.

I no longer work directly in the diversity universe in corporate America, albeit I do in my areas of expertise as a consultant. About the time I left full time diversity work, a number of brand new words had entered the lexicon to describe what can be a rather dizzying array of new ways to self-identify via gender.

Those terms have multiplied since then.

Here’s a list:

• pansexual (gender-blind sexual attraction to all people)
• omnisexual (similar to pansexual, but actively attracted to all genders, rather than gender-blind)
• gynosexual (someone who’s sexually attracted to women — this doesn’t specify the subject’s own gender, as both “lesbian” and “heterosexual” do)
• demisexual (sexually attracted to someone based on a strong emotional connection)
• sapiosexual (sexually attracted to intelligence)
• objectumsexual (sexual attraction to inanimate objects)
• autosexual (someone who prefers masturbation to sexual activity with others)
• androgynosexual (sexual attraction to both men and women with an androgynous appearance)
• androsexual (sexual attraction towards men)
• asexual (someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction)
• graysexual (occasionally experiencing sexual attraction, but usually not)

By the time I finish this article, a new term may well be coined. That’s not mockery. It’s the world we live in.

None of this bothers or threatens me. What those new terms can do is set me up to fail if I engage with someone who identifies with one of those terms, or several, or has come up with a new term which I have not seen or heard, and therefore can’t possibly understand. If I don’t understand their unique version or interpretation of what it means to be one of the new iterations of sexuality, I get called out for some kind of -ism. It’s happened.

You might as well set a bear trap in the woods on the main trail, put someone in a blindfold and set them walking right into it. Then say it’s their own damned fault for not seeing or knowing about the bear trap. That’s now much sense this makes ( that is precisely what victim-blaming looks like).

Because in this fast-moving, swirling world of how we are changing how we define ourselves, not only is it nearly impossible to know and/or memorize what those terms mean, but as people find new ways to self-identify, there are also more ways to entrap people into being insulting.

That, I don’t buy. That is an intentional game of catching people doing something wrong, when they mean no insult whatsoever.

I absolutely support anyone’s desire to identify and express themselves in whatever way doesn’t do harm to, diminish or demean others.

But if you harm someone who simply doesn’t know, or understand, or hasn’t kept up or can’t keep up with so much newness, then I hardly see how this shows any kind of tolerance. Especially if anyone who identifies with any of the above terms wishes tolerance for their choices.

I’m not privy to anyone’s motivations for wanting to identify in a different way, especially in a hyper-critical world so full of abuse that it’s hard to find safety. If this is how you cope, if this is how you’re evolving, that is your sacred process.

I am not for walking around with such a massive chip on the shoulder that if someones make a genuine mistake, this constitutes intentional insult.

NO. It doesn’t mean an insult. The reason that this is offensive is that this is how bullies operate. They will seek out insult to start a fight, demean someone or do damage.

One friend of mine has a child who has shifted their identify several times. I have done my level best to keep up with those shifting identities, and almost every single time I think I have it sorted out I use the wrong pronoun. That isn’t intentional. I can’t keep up. This young person is in early adolescence when such things can be a swift as a will o’ the wisp. That’s not a criticism. It’s how it is for them. Their mother, who was a riding instructor of mine, has shown infinite patience not only with my confusion but with her child, as that child struggles to find some kind of fixed place that feels right. We should all be so lucky. She gets it that if I use the wrong pronoun there is no malintention.

I’ve had twenty-one concussions. That sometimes (a lot of times) means I forget shit. That’s also a factor. I might read, study, and nail a quiz on the above list of terms, and the next day I can’t recall squat. It’s post-concussion syndrome. Happens all the time with a lot of stuff. Not intentional.

I am patient when people get annoyed at my post-concussion symptoms because it’s not their job to remember that I have them.

I’m not going to punish my friends for forgetting that I struggle with mood swings. Those are mine to carry, mine to manage, and mine to apologize for when I am out of line. Happens plenty. I get lots of practice.

In my travels I see people whose gender I cannot guess. I sometimes struggle to open a conversation out of concern for using the wrong pronoun. While there are protocols, and I have seen articles about them, that doesn’t mean that this particular person on this particular day either appreciates my effort or perceives it as a courtesy. If I ask what their preferred pronouns are, some take it as pandering or making fun of them.

To my mind, that creates unnecessary emnity. If you punish people for not knowing, they’re not only not going to want to know after that, it invites further censure for anyone’s being different. That doesn’t move us towards understanding and acceptance.

In a world were so many of us struggle to be understood, when we obfuscate sexuality with a plethora of terms that can be terribly confusing to even the most well-intended, it doesn’t help to be wielding a pickaxe for the crime of getting it wrong the first time.

Confusion doesn’t equal hate. It just means confusion.

Those first meetings in a gender-fluid world? They are fraught with potential misunderstandings.

Or, I should say, minefields. The entire field of diversity can be exhausting in that way. I work hard to be open, soft and curious. There’s a great deal I don’t know, don’t understand and never will, as it is for all of us. That’s not a crime. Asking instead of making assumptions is, to me, a courtesy. It states clearly that I don’t know, I know I don’t know, but want to know.

There are plenty of people who can’t deal with anything that falls outside a comfortable male/female definition of sexuality. Many can be and are brutal about it. Far too many kids who now identify in the sexualities above got quarantined with intolerant families. I hate to think of what they were subjected to, and what they will carry forward them once released from that prison.

I don’t suffer that insecurity, that prejudice or that fear. By the same token I don’t need to be made to suffer for not quite understanding an expanding world of what can be for some, and certainly for me, complex new definitions.

Each person who identifies with each of these terms does so through a unique lens, set of experiences and personal traumas. Because of all those shadings, what that person defines may well spill over the lines drawn above. I am perfectly happy to explore the meanings of this to any given individual.

How we dress, how we style our hair, what we choose to do with our appearance are all part of the conversation we have with the world. The farther anyone strays from whatever the norm might be for whoever is trying to understand (which is in part driven by culture), the harder it can be to appropriately interpret and respect where someone identifies. I realize that in some cases this is quite intentional. Again, I have no issue with that. I have an issue with being punished for not knowing.

If we want tolerance and understanding for however we identify, whatever we present, then it might make sense to be open to educating first rather than nail someone to the wall paneling. It’s hard enough to get folks to the table to talk in the first place. If we punish them for showing up, they won’t likely show up again. This is as true with race relations as it is with any other -ism or schism. It takes so damned much to have folks peel back their resistance to other realities. When someone is uncomfortable but is willing to talk anyway, kindly, that takes some guts.

Here’s what works for me here on Medium:

Someone recently put a private note on a story where I had used a sexual identification term without realizing that it carried insult to some. I promptly changed it, and thanked the person who corrected me. That I respect. That is honorable. An honest mistake is just that.

We all carry pain and trauma. And we all find coping techniques that vary in their effectiveness, including total avoidance. However any time you and I make others responsible for an insult that isn’t intended, all we do is create more unnecessary trauma where none existed before.

We live in a fascinating world, where the facets of our expressive humanity are constantly changing. When faced with different, I don’t turn away. I want to learn. Kindly don’t bloody my nose for doing my best to understand.