I Have My Very First Hater On Medium
Writing my first clapback to his negative comment was liberating
I don’t like to cause conflict nor do I like being involved in conflict. I usually spend my days quietly on my computer either working or writing so my life is pretty drama free. The most dramatic part about my life is when I chase my son around trying to get his diaper on.
But every once in a while, drama seems to find me — that’s the problem with putting my work out on the Internet for the world to see. Not everyone will like what I have to say.
I’m not naive. I know that 99.99% of people won’t even know care I wrote something and those who do, 99% won’t care about or like what I wrote. That’s fine. I just like to write. I’ve certainly read pieces that I don’t like. In those cases, I stop reading and get on with my day. I don’t think to leave negative comments on their articles. Never has an article evoke such an angry and emotional response in me that I would leave a comment insulting the author’s intelligence.
I’ve written over a hundred stories here on Medium. I don’t write about anything particularly controversial — my life, family, writing, maybe some personal development stuff. Every once in a while I come across case studies that interest me. For those who do happen upon my work, it’s either met with silence or a comment like “Good job! Thanks for writing this.”
I do get a negative comments once in a while but nothing major that would keep me up at night or ruin my day. People will disagree with me. I get that. Usually if I come across a negative comment, I’ll read it and move on. Why ruin an otherwise good day by dwelling on it?
However this one article I wrote back in December/January seemed to get a lot of mixed reviews. It is currently winning in the negative comments race with about 3–5 negative comments. This is definitely not a lot compared to other writers out there but it’s a lot for me and definitely a lot given that it’s only one article.
I guess it’s one of my more controversial pieces. It dives into race and culture, cultural appropriations and…this is probably the kicker for some…my opinion on the matter. Race and culture are always a sensitive subject especially when you’re critiquing people who aren’t part of your culture. Most of the negative comments were in the tune of “Why do you care?” or “Stop being so sensitive”. They weren’t hateful or personal attacks. They just didn’t like what I had to say.
That’s cool. I hear ya. No harm, no foul.
I recently received a response on said controversial article that included the following:
- Grand and very wrong assumptions about me and my culture based on the one thing he knew about me — my name
- Explaining the difference between the two cultures I’m most familiar with
- Insults my intelligence (which I could usually ignore if there wasn’t an undertone of racism to it — calling me a “dumb Vietnamese girl”?).
- Overt racism towards me while accusing me of being racist (how ironic).
I was initially taken aback by his (very long) comment when I first read it but then I read it again and realized this guy was an idiot. I wish I could say I rose above it and ignored him. But I didn’t. The entitlement on this guy was unbelievable and I couldn’t let him go on believing his comment was justified.
The funny thing is he was obviously so engrossed with my writing that it appeared he went to my website and quoted me. I’ve never been quoted before so it felt pretty good that he would pay that much attention to my work.
So Mr. Hater, despite your hateful comments, thanks for the reading time and for visiting my website.
Anyways, I wrote my very first clapback. I don’t know if he’ll read my response but it was liberating.
Some people deserve to be called out on their BS and this guy was one of them.
Calling someone out when they’re SO wrong can be liberating
I don’t make it a habit of calling people out unless they’re really in the wrong and especially not so publicly that the entire world could see it.
But there’s liberation to calling someone out when they’ve attacked and insulted you. When someone attacks, not just your work but the very core of your being (and making poor assumptions while doing so), you have 2 options:
- Quietly internalize their attack
- Say something
The first option only makes you angry. You’re the one left to stew in anger and the other person might feel justified in their criticism.
The second option liberates you from their anger towards you and your anger towards them. I don’t know if my hater will read my response. Maybe he’ll learn from it or not (chances are he won’t). Sometimes ignoring negative comments isn’t the answer especially when there’s a good chance he’s spouting his hatred and accusations towards other people. I’m sure I’m not the only person he’s done this to.
I’m not going to make a habit of calling people out for negative comments (or write full articles about them) but it’s liberating to stick up for myself.
Some people will spew their anger wherever they see space for it
The only assumption I’m going to make about this guy is that he is a very angry person or he had an awful day. Maybe his Vietnamese spouse left him in the middle of the night and my last name, being Vietnamese, triggered him. I don’t know but imagine having so much anger that you feel the need to tear someone apart over a 1,500 word article.
My anger has since turned to pity.
The Internet has made it possible for people to spew their anger wherever they see space for it. They can do it without a trace, hiding behind their avatars and faceless profile pics.
Some people are like that and while you (and I) have every right to be angry, I actually pity these people more. Being angry is no way to live and spouting your anger towards others is definitely no way to live.
People will make wrong assumptions about you (and I) all the time
The whole premise for his argument was that I was Vietnamese which he assumed purely based on my last name. Yes, my last name is Vietnamese but I’m of Chinese descent and raised with Chinese traditions. This article I wrote was about Chinese tradition but because he made this grand assumption about me, he assumed I didn’t know anything about Chinese traditions or the difference between the two cultures.
I’m Chinese and my husband is Vietnamese. I have a pretty good handle on the differences between the two cultures. I don’t know why he would assume that being Vietnamese meant I didn’t know anything about Chinese traditions or other cultures.
He also assumed that I was some privileged know-it-all who lacked self-awareness. I mean…yeah…sometimes...but not in this case.
People will make wrong, and sometimes very wrong, assumptions about you and your work all the time. These assumptions usually have no foundation. What did Mr. Hater know about me? My name, that I was a mom, and that I wrote an article he hated.
The best thing to do is to get over it
I’m expecting more negative comments to come my way (maybe on this article and on future ones). I need to mentally prepare myself for that. While I agree to disagree with critics and try to get on with my day, I don’t have a thick skin for these kinds of things. It’s easy to bask in glowing comments but ignoring negative ones takes a lot of energy.
I could ignore the comments altogether but I like reading them. Readers took the time to write them so I should take the time to read them.
Don’t let a faceless avatar ruin your mood or an otherwise great day. Have some coffee/tea, go for a walk, play with your kid(s), spend time with your partner, and enjoy the day as best you can.
People will think what they think.
The best thing to do if you get a negative comment is to ignore and get over it. If that doesn’t work, call them out on their BS. And if you really can’t get over it after you’ve called them out, write a 1,500 word article reminding yourself to get over it — it works for me every single time.
