I Have Learned How To Say What I Mean And Do What I Mean Without Being A B**ch
5 traits irresistibly authentic people practice
Authenticity and integrity have always been two of my major personal values I live by. I don’t know when I discovered this, perhaps from growing up in a large extended 3-generational family — where I am immersed in multi-relationships between siblings, married couples, aunts/uncles-nieces/nephews, and parent-child, made an influence on me.
The things people say in front of each other and also behind each other awakened me further to the world of relationships and communication dynamics as I wondered, “why would the adults behave the way they do?”.
Fast forward to being an adult I am now, living in our current world of “more”, “faster”, and “better”, where everyone is trying to grab your attention, — competing with each other to get more followers, more eyeballs, and more awards — it’s easy to get caught up in this “race”; losing sight of one’s values, perhaps sacrificing, to some degree, one’s authenticity and integrity in order to get the finishing line.
I admit that I have my years of being caught in this “dog-eat-dog” world if I am not mindful. It can be challenging to practice authenticity and integrity as I fell prey to that comparison trap, probably fueled by insecurities, FOMO, and FOBO.
As I continue to observe human interactions, be it relationships or friendships, I noticed and felt that “air” of fakeness to various degrees.
You know that BIG ELEPHANT we’re so familiar with at certain social or family gatherings, and everyone is looking at each other from the corners of their eyes as they laughed out louder than normal; or their heads looking down to avoid eye contact on their mobile phones typically scrolling their social feeds away; or that one person whose voice is the loudest, hoping to “tame” that elephant, hoping that no one notices it.
Sometimes, they start to talk behind each others’ back, which makes the entire dynamics even more awkward and uneasy for me.
And after nearly two decades of my personal trial-and-error in practicing authenticity, I found that these are the 5 common qualities most authentic people share and practice in their lives.
1. They acknowledge their mistakes sincerely when they stumble.
Acknowledging mistakes earnestly when one trips takes a lot more courage to do so than covering it up. Yet the irony in acknowledging one’s mistakes empowers them to live a more authentic and confident self, as they start to drop the baggage that does not align with themselves.
It is also inspiring for those around them to live up to their own truths and give them the additional morale booster to acknowledge their mistakes unapologetically when they trip too.
Those around them also realize that they can count on him/her when things fall apart, provided you actually learn from your mistakes, of course.
What authentic people may say and do:
“Hey ___, I want to have a real talk with you about the recent mess-up. I deeply apologize for it. I know this has caused a lot of inconvenience for you. I want to say that I realized that I am better at __, might we find a workaround together?”2. They are emotionally vulnerable, within means.
Emotional vulnerability does not mean being a cry-baby, but rather possessing the compassion to empathize with others, without projecting their own judgment on others. By being emotionally vulnerable, authentic people open new doors for themselves and others to feel belonged, removing the need to hide.
What authentic people may say and do:
“Hey ___, I really want to let you know now that I am being emotionally vulnerable, my palms and sweating and my heart rate is beating 120 beats per minute. I don’t necessarily always do this but I still want to tell you my honest truth as to why I stumble.”3. They practice good boundaries.
Authentic people understand and practice healthy emotional boundaries, not just with others but also with themselves. Unless we can be real with ourselves in all ways, whether beautiful or ugly, we cannot show up wholly amongst others. Enabling boundaries enable us towards our true identities, from which authenticity arises.
What authentic people may say and do:
“Please know that, in no way, am I pinpointing on you or anyone. I am not sure if you are aware of how I felt on this matter, but I would like you to know that what was said the other day really affected me and this is the reason why…. ”or
“Thank you for sharing so openly to me how you felt. I am truly sorry that what I said has hurt you or crossed the lines with you. I appreciate that you have told me this and now I learn more about you.”4. They are comfortable with those who are feeling uncomfortable.
The road to practicing authenticity, as I have found out, is to practice being comfortable with uncomfortable emotions, genuinely. These include the negative and painful feelings of fear, grief, shame, guilt, anger, frustrations, and so on.
The odd thing with this process of feeling okay with the discomfort of others is to first accept the same negative emotions of yourself. After all, how can you be comfortable with the discomfort, if you cannot fully accept those of yours?
What authentic people may say and do:
“I’m listening to what you are feeling and saying. Thank you for being brave to share these emotions, not just with me, but also with yourself. Take your time to process these (insert the negative emotion word eg. “frustration”, “sadness”). Know that you are allowed to feel this way. We are all humans.”5. They are masters of emotional management
One thing I have found with authentic people is that they are great at self-management of emotions. Being a master manager in this area does not mean that they are cold-hearted, but rather they exhibit compassion and empathy and know the ways to connect both with themselves and others, deeply and truly. They have learned how to celebrate successes in life, no matter how big or small too, as it further helps them to stay grounded with the beauty of life.
What authentic people may say and do:
“Hi ___, I am so proud of you for coming out to go for a walk with me. (after your late husband’s unexpected demise.) Let’s talk baby steps today together, shall we?”Parting Thoughts
All of these traits are not meant to be an exhaustive list or alienating others out because they do not have them.
- They acknowledge their mistakes sincerely when they stumble.
- They are emotionally vulnerable, within means.
- They practice good boundaries.
- They are comfortable with those who are feeling uncomfortable.
- They are masters of emotional management
Personality traits are not a black-and-white thing and should never be. We are all on a continuous scale — on some days, some relationships can “trigger” the not-so-beautiful sides of us and perhaps “slip” off from one of these 5 traits.
That’s not to say you aren’t authentic but to be self-compassionate and self-aware will help you to get back on track to being as authentic as possible.
As always, living a good and purposeful life is a marathon, not a sprint. Authenticity begins when we truly can embrace intimacy first with ourselves.
“You become authentic, you become grounded, you become communicative because you become intimate to yourself, you’re more able to be intimate with others.”
— Julia Cameron on Morning Pages
Hello, Thanks for reading. I’m honored and grateful for your time. Being a lifelong authentic practitioner, I hope by being as authentic as I can, I have brought some of that to you.
I don’t claim to know everything, but I will always strive to share every single bit of truth with thought and humility.
If you like to read more of my stories and be inspired along the way, Let’s connect. One real story at a time, one practical move at a time.
