I Have Failed Yet Again. I Am Not As Good As I Thought.

Imposter syndrome.

Failure

I feel as though most people can relate to this horrible feeling of ineptitude. It is a feeling that eats you up especially when you make a comparative analysis between yourself and your perceived competitor.

I woke up one Monday feeling like an eager beaver rearing hard to go for my two-day assessment scholarship scheme. I had been chosen for this because, according to the organizers of this assessment, they needed first-year law and non-law students who showed exceptional talents, and my university had chosen me to be a candidate for such a brilliant opportunity, to be a potential scholar of a magic circle law firm.

After each day's assessment, I felt like I had put in my very best and was fifty percent sure that I was going to be picked. Fifty percent because there were really brilliant candidates who showed brilliance by just communicating with them, and I immediately felt that I stood no chance against them.

During my interview, which was on the last day of the assessment, I met two lovely interviewers with whom I engaged really well. I poured out my soul in that interview. My interviewers showed keen interest in me, they made me feel like I was on the right track; upon reflection, I suspect they just were giving me wrong cues, or maybe I was just too observant that I misconstrued their body language because the meeting was held online.

After finishing the interview, I looked at my mum with a smile on my face and said, “I think they like me”.

A few months went by and I received my decision. It read:

We are sorry to let you know that we have decided not to offer you a Scholarship. Nevertheless, it was a strong performance of which you should be very proud…… As you are a student who performed particularly well, we would also be keen to open up our network to you, which, depending on the conversation, may include opportunities at clients and other organisations involved in the Scheme, and/or mentoring.

My initial reaction was one of disappointment, despair, incompetence, and anger. I immediately — and I mean immediately — started deleting every vestige of this reputable law firm and every and anything that would remind me of it. I cleared my history because I didn’t want to be reminded of my failure.

I was shattered because I was sure. I was so sure that I had given it all my best. Although I was fifty percent sure, I still gave myself hope. Right from the end of the interview to receiving that dreadful email of rejection, I had sleepless nights, tossing and turning, and replayed every image/scene from the assessment. Alas, I was rejected, the decision reaffirmed my thoughts about my perceived intellectual fraudulence, I thought to myself.

Imposter Syndrome

In an article written by Crystal Raypole, she defined imposter syndrome as:

perceived fraudulence, involving feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.

I have always been dealing with imposter syndrome. Be it my university achievement, my grades, people’s view of me. I have always been obsessed with perfection and I never attain it. I am always close to the pinnacle of success and I stumble and slide right back down the mountain.

“As someone as intelligent as you are,” they say to me. I cringe on the inside; I say to myself please stop telling me that, it’s so awkward and it heaves so much pressure on me.

I try to take as many IQ tests and get a variety of results from average to genius, just to put a value on my perceived intelligence.

I strive every day to be perfect. I read I learn, I argue, I forget but I always end up doubting my abilities. This scholarship assessment is one of the many “objective validations” that tell me you are not good enough.

I’m conscious enough to write this and to know that they don’t define me, but at the end of the day the mind has its own soul — I am not as good as I thought.