I Hated Looking in the Mirror — Until the Stylist Told Me What She Saw

How to see who you really are when you are stuck on the negative

I sat in the chair staring at my reflection in the mirror. I saw a pale wrinkled face framed by grays and dull brown hair. I wanted to look away.

I’ve begun to despise the stylist’s chair more than the dentist. At least in the dentist’s office I can gaze up at the ceiling with the beautiful photo of mountains and fields of wildflowers. I can’t see my mouth gaping open, the drool pooling in the back of my throat.

In the salon I am confronted by my reflection for an hour of what feels like some form of torture. With my dripping locks plastered to my head, my big forehead bounces light like a windshield and my pale white skin shines like an annoying flashlight in my eyes. The wrinkles look like canyons, and I suddenly notice my left front tooth trying to crawl over its right neighbor. The coffee, tea and wine stains scream for bleach so my teeth can at least match the chalk white of my face.

Do you ever look at yourself and only see what’s wrong or out of place?

The stylist is gently massaging my scalp as I scrutinize every line on my face and yellow snaggletooth.

“What are we doing with your hair today?” she asks.

“Take some length and clean it up as best you can,” I respond, trying to avoid her eyes as I assume she is wondering how she might ever clean up such a mess.

She looks at me in the mirror and smiles. “You have gorgeous hair. Is it natural?”

“Uh, yes, it’s natural,” I laugh nervously.

This is my first visit with this stylist, and she has no idea the journey my hair has taken. I refrain from telling her the saga and give her my ideas for how I’d like it cut.

“Oh, that sounds great. I can do a little framing around your cheekbones. You have fabulous skin. We need to highlight that,” she croons.

“You’re so sweet,” I respond, wanting to wrap her up and give her a hug.

Her comments feel like a refreshing rain after a long drought. I sit a little straighter in the chair, talking freely and focusing more on her face in the mirror than my crow’s feet.

The stylist saw something else in the mirror — unlike my eyes that were tainted with a history and storyline that blurred the reflection. I used to be a tan brunette with natural sun-bleached highlights. Cancer turned my skin into a pigment-less pale white and faded my hair into a blend of gray streaks with remnants of brown in the back. My view was distorted by my judgments, and dreams of what I had or wished I could get back.

Her observation changed my demeanor and shifted my focus from how terrible I looked, to paying attention to her kind smile and warm eyes as we swapped stories, and she snipped the grays. I stopped ruminating over my reflection and absorbed her perspective of my natural beauty like a flower soaking up the rain.

It was a powerful reminder of how often we see the blemishes and wrinkles and grays and gloss over our own beauty. I’m not talking just physical beauty, but our inner gifts and talents. What we see is blurred by the past or who we wished looked back at us in the mirror.

Is your mirror reflecting back a clear image or is it distorted and fuzzy?

Sometimes your mirror needs new eyes to show you what you cannot see.

I understand the power of mirroring and reflection as a professional coach. I have witnessed major breakthroughs with my clients when I help them see their skills in a new light, or they discover the blind spot that is the barrier to their desired goal.

The stylist offered me the same fresh (and nonjudgmental) perspective. She did not see me as a formerly tan brunette pitying my gray streaks. She had no story about who I was or what I looked like before. She could see me for who I was right now.

Reflective inquiry and mirroring is a technique to help you see beyond what you see in your own mirror. It is normal to filter your mirror image through your lens of experience, which also means missing some of what is actually present. Isn’t it always easier to see your friend’s positive qualities and ignore your own?

Like the stylist who saw natural highlights and pretty skin tone instead of my ugly duckling perspective, seeing yourself through another’s eyes can reveal truths you’ve ignored or that are distorted by your personal narrative. Like my story that my beauty was in my tan skin and brunette locks.

If you’re feeling stuck and unable to see all the beauty looking back at you, there are three simple questions that can help. You don’t need a new mirror, but someone else to look at it with you.

Identify a few of your closest friends, colleagues or family members who know you best and get their insights. Have them answer three questions:

• What would you say are my special qualities and positive attributes?
• What is something I do that you think is amazing?
• What would you say are the qualities that can and do cause me the most trouble?

Even though you may anticipate many of the answers, you may receive some surprising responses. It may be a talent you take for granted or something you are unaware has an impact.

The last question was the game changer for me. I was amazed at how easily people could see what got me into trouble, which at the time was my tendency to be a people-pleasing over-achieving perfectionist. I was well aware of my self-sacrificing tendencies — but it was the negative impact on my life that they saw that surprised me. I grew up believing it was an asset. Their responses (and many conversations with my career coach) helped me see that my pleasing ways kept me in frustrating jobs. Once I recognized my blind spot I was able to leave my position and pursue a new career path.

Knowing your strengths and unique qualities is valuable, but understanding your blind spot might be the key to unlocking a new perspective. I know the stylist’s remarks pulled my head out of my self-pity pot and helped me see that my insecurity was in my head, and it was holding me back.

Seeing yourself as others see you can be a powerful exercise as my simple encounter at the salon reminded me. You are not the only one looking at the image in the mirror.

So the next time you look in the mirror, pretend you are the stylist, your best friend, favorite colleague or closest relative. Look at yourself through their eyes. What do they see? As my stylist reminded me, you are gorgeous and we need to highlight that.

May you sit taller and see the beauty looking back at you.

I write about life’s lessons hiding in plain sight and help others discover their superpowers.