I Hate to Say it, but Freud Was Right
My orgasm at 40 is way better than it was when I was 25
In a series of revolutionary 1905 essays, Sigmund Freud all but ruined women’s lives, establishing a theory of female sexuality, based on penis envy.
He wrote:
“Little girls do not resort to [this] when they see that boys’ genitals are formed differently from their own. They are ready to recognize them immediately and are overcome by envy for the penis — an envy culminating in the wish, which is so important in its consequences, to be boys themselves.”
- Freud, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905)
And, in a 1920 revision to the essays, he elaborates:
“Both male and female children form a theory that women no less than men originally had a penis, but that they have lost it by castration. The conviction which is finally reached by males that women have no penis often leads them to an enduringly low opinion of the other sex.”
- Freud, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (Footnote added 1920)
Let’s pause here and take a moment of silence for women everywhere, who have been impacted by 20th century psychology shaped by Freud, and his “low opinion” of us.
Healthy Women and “Mature Orgasms”
Freud taught that the vagina’s only function was to be a receptacle for the penis, and that during the maturation process of a “healthy” woman, she outgrew her childish enjoyment of clitoral stimulation, coming to favor direct vaginal stimulation.
“When erotogenic susceptibility to stimulation has been successfully transferred by a woman from the clitoris to the vaginal orifice, it implies that she has adopted a new leading zone for the purposes of her later sexual activity. A man, on the other hand, retains his leading zone unchanged from childhood. The fact that women change their leading erotogenic zone in this way, together with the wave of repression at puberty, which, as it were, puts aside their childish masculinity, are the chief determinants of the greater proneness of women to neurosis and especially to hysteria. These determinants, therefore, are intimately related to the essence of femininity.”
- Freud, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905)
And, here is where he ruined women’s lives, as this statement is total bunk (at least he admits that such views make women sick…).
Why is it bunk?
Because the majority of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation, period. So blinded was Freud by his Judeo-Christian, heteronormative bias, viewing women first and foremost as baby machines, that he makes the bogus pseudo-science quoted here the foundation of his theory of female sexuality.
The claim that healthy women “put aside their childish masculinity” is problematic on every level, stigmatizing healthy female sexual desire, bringing about myriad forms of the very “repression” for which he is so famously known, and (I kid you not!!), caused the fledgling male-dominated field of psychoanalysis to prescribe direct vaginal stimulation by their analysts, as the treatment for women who had not “properly matured.”
Did you know that the vibrator was the world’s first mechanical medical device?
And still…
I hate to say it, but Freud Was Right
As a feminist and sex positive healer, I am loath to say it, but in a way, Freud was right. My orgasm at 41 is entirely different from what I experienced at 4, 14, or 25. At 41, I have to admit that I find clit-only orgasms boring, and that my ability to experience deep vaginal pleasure has blossomed as I have.
A Few Facts
Humans are born knowing how to masturbate, and young children do so freely. If you think you didn’t or that you don’t know how, you’re wrong. You’ve simply forgotten something you once knew. Humans are sexual creatures and our most organic expressions of sexuality are rooted in those behaviors that most comforted us as babies — loving touch, sucking and being held. Ironically, it is Freud who wrote most prolifically about this, in the essays cited here and elsewhere.
My own first memories of childlike masturbation take place in the gym, where I was training as a young gymnast. The context was not at all sexual and I had no awareness of what I was doing. Though, in retrospect, I can recall sitting on the equipment just so, rocking from side to side, and enjoy the sensation of it “down there.”
The Truth about Boys and Girls
Freud’s generalizations about girls and women were actually 180 degrees off. In truth, it is boys who undergo an evolutionary process with their relationship to their bodies and their sexuality, the testosterone influx at the onset of puberty throwing boys into the wild world of wet dreams and untimely erections, which they have largely not experienced during the latency period of childhood. Girls however, do not change in this way. They come into the world with the miraculous bundle of nerves, known as the clitoris, fully in tact, and able to experience pleasure from the start. Some lucky little girls never forget the pleasure of touching themselves, though most are schooled early in those norms, shaped in no small part by Freud, which claim that masturbation is dirty, that female sexuality is a commodity and that good girls don’t like sex.
First Orgasm
I don’t remember the first time that I brought myself all of the way to orgasm. What I do remember is my sweet, well-intentioned teenage boyfriend fumbling around my vagina, with no sense of which end was up. Sex positive and determined, I set out to masturbate in a way that I could teach him to replicate, and in that way, opened the door to a world of pleasure.
At 16, I taught my boyfriend how to bring me to clitoral orgasm, showing him how to gently, and then with slightly more pressure, move his finger from side to side, on the hood of my clitoris. This skin, not unlike the foreskin of the penis, protects the clit, which is too sensitive in most women to receive direct stimulation. For me, a clean finger directly on my clit, feels like someone is reaching under the hood of a car, into my innermost parts. It feels like I’m being electrocuted, pleasurable only on the rarest of occasions. But, over the hood, and with the right amount of pressure, he could feel my clitoris become engorged, just like a male erection. Tracking my pleasure and feeling my clit become hard, he learned to take me all of the way home.
Vaginal Sex
What I taught my teenage boyfriend is the most common and most reliable method for bringing women to orgasm. Though, as we women are complicated creatures, many of us need to feel safe and loved in order to get there, and sexual trauma can derail what is intended to be a simple, biological and pleasurable process.
This mode of manual stimulation of the clitoris however, causing it to become engorged, sending an explosion of pleasurable neural stimulation throughout a woman’s body, is not a part of most vaginal sex. Though a sexually savvy woman can stimulate her clitoris by mounting her partner, especially if they have a prominent pelvic bone (this has nothing to do with penis size, gentlemen), she can actually achieve the same pleasure even with no penis inside of her, as any girl whose found herself grinding on someone in a nice pair of denim jeans may have discovered.
Women Who Find Sex Boring
For many women out there, this is where the story ends. Clitoral stimulation, whether by finger, tongue, vibrator or whatever else (toothbrush? lipstick? cucumber? penis?), brings pleasure and release, while penetrative vaginal sex is something she does for her partner and to make babies. But, it doesn’t need to be this way.
And here’s where I have to admit, on some level, Freud was right. I have no idea how he knew it, and I’m loath say it, but I must confess that my own sexual evolution mirrors Freud’s descriptions, quoted above. For me, the worlds of pleasure that opened up for me as I’ve aged happened long after I finished having my babies, and it continues to evolve as I do.
Today, at 41, in addition to being able to experience orgasm through nipple stimulation only, through no physical contact if I’m on a particularly hot date and through direct clitoral stimulation, I can also orgasm differently when stimulated on each tiny part of my upper vaginal wall. As I become more alive and more aware, each micro-spot inside of my pussy purrs in its own unique way, each bearing its own gifts and luscious sensations.
As I become more alive and more aware, each micro-spot inside of my pussy purrs in its own unique way, each bearing its own gifts and luscious sensations.
Myth or Reality?
For the skeptics among you, let’s get one thing straight— the g-spot is real and female ejaculation is real. The g-spot is actually a part of the clitoral root, which extends far back into the vagina, tracking the upper part of a woman’s vaginal canal, so g-spot orgasms are, in a certain way, still clitoral, though they stimulate the parts of the clitoris that are concealed deep within a woman’s body. What I’ve discovered is that each spot along that clitoral root can respond to stimulation in its own way, giving its own kind of deep pleasure and release.
Get me some of that!
What does it take to experience hundreds of different kinds of vaginal orgasms? I’m so glad you asked, because if you’re walking around in the body of a woman, then they are your birthright, and they are one that has been stolen from you in the greatest conspiracy of all times.
The human body is made to experience pleasure. It’s Mother Nature’s secret weapon in getting us to do what She most wants us to do, namely eat, sleep and procreate. Male pleasure and female pleasure are different, though equally grand, and I like to think that Mother Nature was compensating for the bit of extra exploration required of women to get to know our vaginas, by placing a golden bundle of 15,000 nerve endings that plug directly into our vagal nervous systems as the treasure at its center.
To get there, here’s what you need:
- You need to feel safe. Your fight/flight/freeze brain systems can override your hedonic pleasure systems, and if you’re a victim of trauma, the more you heal, the more access you’ll have to mind-blowing orgasm.
- You need to feel free — of judgement from yourself and others, of time pressure and responsibilities. To climb these summits, you need to be fully present.
- You need to feel happy to be in your body. No matter its shape or size, how it compares to the bodies of others or the expectations of society, your body is yours and it was designed to make you feel good. If you follow its lead and trust its cues, it will take you places beyond your wildest dreams.
- You need to feel aroused. For me, this happens most effectively with a partner. Though my dual stimulation vibrator can give me a taste of the pleasure that I’ve described here, I get there most easily when there is a firm, fleshy penis, connected to someone I love, deep inside of me. But, achieving awesome and varied vaginal orgasm is 100% possible, and for some, far more accessible, during solo sex, especially with the right vibrator.
Yes, Please Try This At Home!
At this point in my sexual development, the question “did you cum?” no longer serves me, and I often find myself stopping my man when he wants to give me a simple clitoral orgasm. These days, great sex is synonymous with a new awakening of one part of my body or another, and with novel pleasure.
Want to join the party? Here is where to begin:
Good Ol’ Fashion Kegels
The kegel muscles are the muscles that line the lower part of the pelvic floor. They’re what we squeeze when we want to stop ourselves from peeing and they can be strengthened like any others. Ladies, the stronger your kegels the greater the release you’ll feel when they tremble with orgasm. Training your kegels both during and before/after sex allow you to actively engage your vagina in your love-making. When filled up by her man, women can rhythmically clench and release their kegels and feel pleasure mount. I can bring my partner and I to orgasm with only this delicate internal motion. And, boy is it fun.
Good Vibrators
If you have a vagina and you’ve been orgasmic for some time, it's time to get a dual stimulation vibrator. It was my ex who got me my first one, and I’ll be forever grateful to him. These sweet tools understand that the entire vagina is an erogenous zone, and that the best orgasms come when maximal length of the clitoral root is stimulated, along with its tip (the clitoris).
Good Penises
The more comfortable I get in my own skin, the more that I can feel both my own pleasure and my partner’s, and different penises bring different kinds of orgasm. Long penises stimulate places that short ones don’t, and vice versa. Opening to my lover means opening to his particular shape and size, and tuning in to the kinds of pleasure that only he can bring. I’ve had mind-blowing orgasms with penises that compare to the entire Whole Food’s cucumber section, the ones for baby pickling and the hefty English cucumbers. Not all men are built to pound my cervix, and if that’s what I’m needing, we can always use a toy to satisfy that craving. Maximum pleasure comes when I am attuned to the entire inner surface area of my vagina (nipple stimulation helps too), knowing that any number of sweet spots can bring me to climax, and when I can fully embrace the man that’s inside of me.
Good Communication
The most important ingredient for multi-orgasmic sex is open communication. We both need to feel safe and loved (even if only for the night), and we both need to know that this type of pleasure is about the journey, not the destination. If either one of us is feeling nervous about reaching climax (mine, yours, too soon, not soon enough), then this type of sex is out of reach. But, if we can both arrive fully in the here and now, and in love, there are no limits to the depths of pleasure we can achieve.
