I Had to Lose the Woman I Loved to Find Myself

My journey — from heartbroken to healed

Valentine’s day has recently passed, another one spent without a partner. And, to be completely honest with you, this was the best one yet.

I spent the day writing and then went to my grandparents for dinner. I still think of her, the one whom I loved dearly. Every Valentine’s day she pops into my head. But this year was different.

There was no painful sting associated with her name nor a wistfulness when I pictured her long brown hair silhouetting her gleaming blue eyes lying next to me in my arms.

No, this Valentine’s day was an anomaly. There was no longing to be with someone, no compulsively swiping through dating apps. No feeling inadequate for being alone on a day where everyone on your newsfeed is posting pictures with their lover. Today, I can honestly say good for them, and for the first time, I mean it.

Breakup is not the end of the world

Being single for the past two years has been a tumultuous ride, a roller coaster of emotions. Initially, I was distraught when me and my girlfriend of a year and a half split. I met her on the ski slope in Vermont and I fell for her, hard. I mean she was kind, sweet, reserved, and beautiful.

When she laughed it was as if the world stopped, when she smiled, my heart skipped a beat.

I was crushed for the longest time when we split. The slightest thought or sight of her on social media would spiral me into an abyss of depression that I’d be stuck in for days. In this emotional state, my ego would get the best of me and I’d feel inadequate for being alone. It was the worst.

But, going through such a rough patch in my life wasn’t for nothing. It led to great personal growth and a further understanding of myself.

If anything, the suffering I experienced transformed me into a more compassionate person. Each day, I get more fulfillment because I’ve taken the time to understand myself — my needs and my focus in life.

Breakups suck, but I’m here to tell you they’re not the end of the world. On the contrary, they’re just the beginning. They’ve taught me valuable life lessons and made me into the person I am today. Losing a lover is paradoxically conducive to self-growth.

Through pain and reflection, you uncover at the core who you want to be and in turn, become a better lover.

This too shall pass

Buddhism teaches that change is inevitable. What is here today may be gone tomorrow. Good things will come, so will bad things. It’s only a matter of time before what we know has left and something new comes along.

The Buddhist story of Releasing the Cows goes something like this —

Buddha and his followers were eating lunch one day when a cow herder came to ask if anyone had seen his cows, all of which ran away. He emphasized how they were his livelihood and that he doubted he could survive without them. Buddha replied he had not seen them, that maybe they had gone the other direction.

When the herder left, Buddha turned to his followers and said, “Dear friends, realize you are the happiest people on Earth. You have no cows to lose.”

The more we cling to what we have, the more we become attached and afraid. This fear of loss is a barrier to happiness.

As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh stated, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything — anger, anxiety, or possessions — we cannot be free.”

In my previous relationship, I was resistant to change. Because I was so attached, I couldn’t acknowledge the possibility of losing what I so deeply identified with.

I suppressed the thought of anything happening to the relationship, burying it so far down in my brain hoping it would never occur. Well, as sure as the sun rises after the night, our connection ended and I had to come to terms.

Finality was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accept. I’d wake up after dreaming of us together only to find myself alone. I would kid myself that maybe, just maybe there was a chance she’d come back, that there was still some sliver of hope remaining.

But in the end, guess what? She never came, and that was alright. I was still alive; disappointed and heartbroken but still breathing.

It took me a while, to move on. I can’t say I’ll ever be a hundred percent over her, but that’s okay. I can look back on our time spent together and not feel remorse and that’s all that matters.

I’m getting flashbacks of us side by side on the beach while writing this and I have no regrets, the moments we shared were beautiful. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Mending a broken heart takes time. Don’t bury your sorrow, it’s natural to experience it. Allow yourself to feel emotions without judgment and take extra time for self-care.

Look at it for what it was; time well spent but not meant to be. Realize the impermanence of life and let change happen without clinging.

Find yourself before you can love another

Legendary Zen Buddhist Teacher Thich Nhat Hanh says, “When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourishing our ability to love. That’s why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness”.

He further mentions that understanding someone’s suffering is the best gift we can give another person. And understanding is love’s other name. If we don’t understand, we can’t love.

I used to think that a love for myself would develop through a relationship. “If another person can love me for who I am then surely I can too,” I’d think.

At the time, I didn’t realize that going into a relationship without a sound understanding of yourself and your worth is a recipe for disaster. You become codependent and seek them constantly for validation. Your interests, friends, and alone time are all neglected to be with this person.

For the time being, you feel a great oxytocin high, but it’s only a matter of time before it ends.

Now I do realize that a partner should add to the enjoyment of our lives, not be the sole provider of that enjoyment.

I used to count on my partner for affirmation, whether it was via text, kind words, or physical touch. But, I became habituated to the rush, like a drug user, and when it wasn’t there, my mood was severely damaged.

My negative overthinking would lead me into a spiral of self-loathing that relied heavily on my partner to pull me out. It was selfish, I know. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and looking back, I added them to the list of hers.

It wasn’t until the relationship ended that I began self-healing techniques. I began meditating to watch my thinking patterns and stay in the moment. I got in the best shape of my life with trail running and found I really enjoy rock climbing. I spent time with old friends. Most importantly, I devoted time to developing my purpose.

I sat down by myself, and slowly but surely, figured out who I am and what I want out of life through the acquisition of new knowledge and the furthering of my talents.

I now go to sleep looking forward to the next day, eager to learn new things and become the best version of myself that I can be. No longer do I wallow in self-pity and pine for days spent with her. That was the old me.

I believe finding your own fulfillment in life is the most important thing to do before entering a healthy relationship.

Find something that makes you jump out of bed every morning; something that you’ll toil passionately over well into the evening. Only then, you will be able to love your partner without expectations.

To conclude

To love is very different than to own — Mike Posner

This quote succinctly sums up the essence of what my time reflecting on a love lost has taught me. Nothing is yours for the keeping as the universe is in a constant state of flux. Losing someone I loved taught me the value of non-attachment. To cherish the moments spent with a person, but allow them to walk away without fighting it.

Focus on yourself. Sharpen your craft. Find your niche in life. Grasp who you are before committing to another.

I know it sounds selfish, but it is only in this self-actualized state that you will be able to love fully and feel what it truly means to be loved for being you.

All the love, let’s stay in touch! Join my mailing list.

Thank you for reading.